Last night I had a very difficult moment disposing myself of waste material from my body. Sorry, I promise there is a wise thing to learn from this.
I sat there for more than half an hour, what I assumed would be a five minutes quick stop, then off to the bathroom and hurry to my last pages of Hunger Games. It made me think of the women in documentaries and movies in labor. The ‘push and anticipate and anticipate and push’ moments they go through. I was angry, and the worst part is that the same thing happened this morning. Now I am going to stop explaining the process (hurray) and hurry off to the ‘learn process’.
Yesterday I woke up feeling sad. Uncertain of my future (oh why that suddenly mattered), lonely (honestly?), judgmental, wretched. I started a teary prayer and worship service of one to One and slowly began to fall at ease. By a certain point I started stretching on my bed and I fit better in my skin. Thank God, what felt more like ‘disposed off Him, cause I was done’, but He knows what He did for me in that moment. Still a bit shaky, I left for work. And the day was not a great day. I had a few nice moments with friends. But I felt weighed down. At night I had this training, I didn’t feel at ease at all. I wanted to head back home and really turn against God and not let Him comfort me.
Then a couple was introduced to sing a song. It was a blessing. The song was about asking God to bless their family, because family is all they are. Now, in the past years, I have been developing this wonderful feeling of appreciation towards my family, by the grace of God, but it wasn’t family blues that fell out of the corners of my eye. They sang with dazzling voices, I just felt God using the pureness of their voice to calm me down. Trough the first half of the training session I was still a bit fussy, but then a lady came and broke the ice with jokes and things I could resemble to. And believe it or not, God spoke to me.
That morning I woke up feeling judgmental and unfit for the job I was assigned for, but wile this lady was going through the stuff, I found answers to why I am the way I am and what needs to be fixed, either renewed. The same questions I was asking that morning when I felt so insufficient. Everyone needs motivation and The Motivator if the universe knows best when to step in. I had been walking around a few days, telling myself my deliverance is near, that I had to hold on just a bit longer. I don’t know how long this ‘up period’ will last, but it is paying off.
And better yet, this morning I woke up a new me. I do believe finishing the last Hunger Games has something to do with it, but I don’t doubt my Creator reshaped my heart, or whatever it is that’s been triggered overnight. It was a decision to take for so long. I’ve been throbbing on and about about this thing in my life that bears no more than rugged and hard fruit, who wants that? So, I don’t quite grasp all the tears and sobbing and nose goo to it, but I knew something was taken off my spirit. I made the decision right on, all be it in tears, but I (the Holy Spirit) could convince me/myself that I would allow myself no more. I have been compromising for the last 12 or so months. I am not saying this situation was all wrong for me, but another season is arriving in my life altogether and I believe it, I believe it with all fibers in my skin. This will be over and no more will be added.
It’s still scary. I worry about not knowing what is up next, but all those years of telling God how little I trust Him have to come to an end. Besides, there’s a lot of things I still have to conquer, there really is a long list to go, so why let anything I can step over keep me back? It’s just a new season. Just. Very exciting. And I’m afraid of the days of dark, when things will go wrong.
Okay, and now, about what this has to do with the poop bullets? Remember the ‘anticipate and push and back again’ of the women in labor? That’s it. I had the idea of stopping the compromise, talked about it, but was afraid of what was to come. But today, I am at peace with a lot of it. Not all, but a lot. I accept that I have to move on.There are still steps to take. I have one thing to conquer and with the sweet taste of victory in my mouth I will rise from this place. I promise myself, I promise my future, I promise society, I promise my family. God knows.
