Brave Coward

This morning I thought about how I could write a phrase book. A book with all the brilliant ideas I have ever had, but of course I’ve forgotten a lot of them. I have wasted a lot of time in my life and I am not sure when that will stop, but I just hope it will.
If you have read all my posts, you’ll know how much of a dreamer I am, that I want so much in life, but remain in a cocoon. So, it’s like the worst thing ever but I just hold on to it. Because it’s safe, common. Sometimes I pretend I have remained brave (I really used to be, becoming a christian, the first Haitian in Suriname to study to become a journalist, that’s quite brave). Pretend isn’t comfortable, but safe. Unsound, but familiar. I am like a little hyperventilating kid. trying to choose what treat to take at a circus. I have had that time in my life that I stepped out, took risks, took chances, said and did things and I never thought I would get back to them, I mean, change my ways and become this. I know what happened, but I guess I keep too much mirrors around me that I am afraid to break. It’s that one moment, one place, though it wasn’t just one event that I chose too lose myself, let go.
I used to be strong, protected, but not really aware of what was ‘out there’, you know, ‘out there’ meaning the places I never had to go or never had to go on my own. I am the one who decided to stand alone, because, let’s be honest, there are those things in life you just have to try on your own, you have to do and face on your own and sometimes, even if you don’t want to, you will have to.
So, me being the brave girl that I was, stepped out of some door and looked up to the sky and turned left, saying ‘let’s see how this will turn out. And now I am deliberately stuck.
I love the nostalgic feeling. I guess it makes people realize we used to love or belong somewhere. It’s not that I don’t belong somewhere or am not loved right now, I am in the middle and nowhere.
I also want to find out why I constantly see pictures of things in my mind. Those pictures that I see always symbolize a feeling, a moment, a philosophy. I am not used to it and it scares me. I wonder if this is what it means when people say in Dutch: ‘ik denk in beeld’ (go google translate that). My potentials.
I have always known that I am not on this earth for something small. I have always looked for purpose and sometimes I got tired of myself looking for purpose 🙂
I had to smile about that. Writing is therapy, too bad non of my friends read my blog, well they are missing out.
There was a time in my life when I was literally waiting for someone, an angel or some ‘high company’ to come tell me I could go back to heaven or anywhere in heaven I came from and that life was a big joke played on me and that the joke was over and I could return now. I remember yearning for that moment. But everyone has this moment in their lifetime, wondering what on earth they are doing on earth. I’m not sure what happened afterwards, but something about Christ made me forget that. I guess today I am being reminded where I have been rescued from and how I cannot love Him. He is love, just love.
All the hard things anyone can go through do not measure up, for sure.
So, reader, if you find yourself a coward, who used to be brave, or developing into something you never thought you’d be, write it all down, or think back and find out that you are loved, that you matter, that you are meant to be, even to learn that there is one itty bitty progress that you have made, it happened, you happened! That is reason for a great celebration, everyday celebration of waking up, smelling the air of whatever you love. I love it when it just starts raining and the smell of the heat comes up from the sand, after a long time of sunshine, I hold on and even forget the smell exist, but every time I smell it, I remember I love it and it makes me glad.
So, I may not be there yet, but we all on underway. Cheer Up!

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