I can love without getting a big shot for it

I’m at it again.
This morning I saw a pregnant girl, all alone. I figured she came from the nearby hospital where pregnancies are controlled, checked an so forth. I immediately thought about my friend. That one friend I thought I had helped, supported and loved so much.

She got pregnant before marriage. Now, in today’s world, nothing seems to be wrong with that. But we go to church and for church folk, especially those that are just peasants and don’t have the covering hand of some leaders over their head…that is bad. But the worst thing is, I thought I knew her. Maybe she thought she knew herself too. Nevertheless, she was ‘lucky enough’ to have a loving boyfriend who is a thousand times more a man and a father than a lot of men and fathers I know. 

And there was me. I was the best friend, so I thought. That was my goal, being the best friend I could be and if the world would spit on her I would take a spitting too. I met her at doctor’s appointments, I could drive my brother’s car, so most of the time I could take her home. I thought I was bearing with her. She got mocked and laughed at and I took it all personally. She and I were one team of exemplary church girls, that didn’t sleep around, loved the Lord and attended church regularly. There were those girls that slept around and got pregnant after a few rounds. But we were not like that, oh no! Anyways, and then she explains to have gone ‘too far’ this one time and as everyone started hearing about the pregnancy, it didn’t matter how often she walked away from the heat, how exemplary we were or not. We or she became ‘one of them’, she had sex before marriage ‘too’. I was her friend and that made me look bad. But I didn’t care, she was my friend and I would stand for her.

Until. Date came that she was supposed to get married. She was worried about spending to much money with the baby coming, and not having enough money. My advise: ‘just ask a blessing, sign the papers and when you’re husband has a small fortune get the big bang and booze’. Advice not taken. The marriage got postponed a few times. I was supposed to be her maid of honor, but our appointments to go to the fitting didn’t work. I had work, she had her mom nagging about every little decision she needed to make, so one day I called her about the next appointment and she replied that she simply had me replaced. I was disappointed and because I was disappointed I was angry. I wanted to drop the whole wedding and friendship shit and move on with my life. (Sorry for my language, but those were my true feelings)

But I was worried about bitterness. I am quite a reflective person, so I was really in a struggle about having this friend treating me like trash and my reaction to that and on the other hand, me remaining loving and caring. It did not work at all. There are more things I got upset about, but the laundry is better off in the closet. This reminds me of C.S Lewis’ quote ‘You never know how terrible you are until you try very hard to be good’. I am not loving and caring towards a lot of people in my life, because I hate faking. Be mean to me, be a bitch, be a monster, but don’t pretend to like me if you don’t. Okay now, too much about me and my philosophies.

As a reflective person I wondered whether I was being fair to this person and to myself. As I already said, I didn’t want to be bitter. So I prayed and scuffed and rolled my eyes some more. I even took this thing down to an altar call. To those of you that don’t know what an altar call is, it’s when the pastor/preacher calls people that need prayer at the end of a sermon. So I told my pastor (who is loving and caring) that I had trouble loving someone I promised to love. And he gave me the example of the cross, that Christ willingly got crucified regardless of what my response to His crucifixion would be and even though He knew the Father would turn His back on Him there. In other words keep on loving.

‘Ugh’ I thought. I went back home, got the message, but it couldn’t sink in deep enough to influence my actions towards her and other people I am disappointed in. I think that anyone who can rise above disappointment (hurt) and still give their hearts are heroes. But I wasn’t willing to do that. It is not in my nature. I have seen myself change and becoming a better person after having prayed, but this time it just didn’t seem to work. But to get back upon the subject, today I asked myself ‘what if I really forgot that thing that happened’, ‘what if I really let go’? You see, I was really about showing this girl that she was not going to do this to me and get away with it as if nothing happened. But right now, I’m the one ‘suffering’. This ‘little thing’ is an important thing in my loving and caring career on this planet. You see, for me it is very easy to write people off. If I don’t like you, you’re out! And if I like you a lot, you ain’t going nowhere. No, I ain’t that insane.

For a moment I thought today that I want to go back to the old us. But I’m not so sure I want that. She’s married now, is a mom and there are things she and I will definitely disagree on. She has changed, maybe not drastically, but she has changed. And me, I don’t want to keep chasing phantoms. I actually am a phantom hunter, yes I am. I get nostalgic over lots of stuff. But apart from that , I think I can love her. I won’t love her in the same dedicated, die hard way. Maybe I don’t need too. Maybe the die hard love was for back then, when the pregnancy hit and folk were talking and she needed to attend doctor’s appointments while her baby daddy was working, when she needed to move out, get married, talk (a lot! She talks so much that I get dizzy sometimes) and when she needed a shoulder.

I am grateful for who I was back then. But the experience has marked me unpleasantly. If someone else I know would get in the same position today, I don’t think I will be that driven to be involved. Maybe I will, but the voices in my head and the background music will sound different. It’s a good thing that I could give as much or as little as I had given back then. This has thought me to keep my heart and my mind in the right order and use them for the right things when needed. And I guess this was a lesson about letting people live their own lives and not think I am that much of a big shot.


2 thoughts on “I can love without getting a big shot for it

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