Innerpause

One day, I was in the car on my way home and thinking about my life. Where I had been, where I got to and where I would end up, considering everything that was going on in my life at the moment. I’m a semi-Jesus girl, so He was part of the ‘head-versation’ (conversation in my head) too. A young woman that goes to the movie on her own while other folk be clinging to each other in the same theater and thinking ‘whatever, just don’t bother me and I’m good’. In a society where ‘alone’ is something that needs fixing as soon as possible. As a little girl, looking in the mirror solely meant seeing what wasn’t there and bringing frustration because you don’t know, lest understand what the heck you are seeing. (Light skinned black girl with pink lips, black eyes and nappy hair. Why was it so different, how come I didn’t see these people on my screen? Where were they? We must’ve been some worthless species, huh).

A girl that used to have found love in going to church, but now goes from thrill to thrill to keep her faith going. Never was rooted that well, it turns out. A girl in confusion about a stupid love-like kinda thrill towards a unidentified futuristic species. (She’s got some issues, really). So I was thinking…where am I going. I have dreams, goals, ambitions. There are failures that I don’t always like admitting when I look into them. The reality of the day was ugly. And I told God that I don’t believe in the beautiful sunshine He promises (when did God ever promise me beautiful sunshine, haha) I said that I believe in the hard truth and ugly reality. That there are people living with feelings they don’t feel they can overcome, foes they can’t control, diseases they can’t make peace with. In this phase of life, church has become some place that is in transition to transit the world and those in it.

I thought about the country I was born in, that is so deep within my skin. Wondered if there is ever hope for me to go back and be safe over there. I told Him about the things I wanted to change. That I don’t want another thrill. I did feel like Christ was pulling me next to Him, further into this life I’m meant for. I told Him about my confusion about things He told me that I don’t see. And I wondered what would happen if I failed. Failed my loved ones, failed my friends. The answer to that came pretty fast though: He will still love me, but I’d miss a lot of good things and He doesn’t want me to miss out on great things. I rolled my eyes a few times, swallowed away burning tears in my throat, laughed anger away. You know, one funny thing that happens when I have these head-versations is that I end up landing at the soft core of Gods love. It does sound crazy, I know.

I wondered how long I would keep my relationship with Christ going. Because, honestly, I act very telepathic in this relationships. I work with my mind, think about Him, what He’d say, how He’d see things. But still do what I please. I have to admit I have put myself on a little pedestal in my life. Why? Because I didn’t want anyone else to do it for me. Because I didn’t believe anyone would do it for me. Because I didn’t think I deserved a pedestal from anyone else but myself. That’s the truth. I also stopped believing. In so many things. Not only the beautiful sunshine ‘world of God’ I created in my mind about life with Christ, but also in stuff like goodness and beauty and accomplishment of good things. For example, I kinda hate beauty treatments. You can’t guess why? Well, I am lazy to keep wiping off half peeled off nail polish from my nails to go polish my nails again. I feel like I should get to lazy around and look terrible as much as I want to, because what the heck, who cares. I like myself and other folk don’t have too. Well, fact is. I might’ve stopped believing I deserve to look good. I might’ve never believed I deserved those things. Pfft, terrible ain’t it.

At the end of the ride, as I was entering the driveway, I figured I am in transition again. As I have always been. I had forgotten about this form of transition in my life. Going from one ‘place’ to the other without knowing you are traveling and only realizing it somewhere over the edge of the end of that journey.

One last note to myself (also for you). Don’t let the promise or even the idea of a good thing shade your eyes from reality. Work hard when you have to and give yourself the things you deserve. When it comes to pampering and loving yourself, yes, put yourself first, because you can only give what you have. But make sure it is pure love and not some cruel pity.

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