Deep down

Deep down inside I want you because there is no other for me

But sometimes I just want you for your goods

Because I know anything you do will benefit me

Because I know having you, gives me everything.

So why not search you. Instead of seeking. 

Why not touch your hand occasionaly. Instead of making your hands marinade your love in my skin.

Deep down I want you for you. But the fleeting life is so much easier than being rooted. 

Two lessons in one tiny moment

I haven’t been enjoying God lately. I dreaded singing in church and avoided in-depth quiet time because, well, so many reasons. Things are changing (again) and I was disappointed in how I dealt with this change. So I didn’t want to face God because I thought, I didn’t deserve to (boohoohoo).

So, a logic consequence of my melodramatic choices is that everything else turns awry.  I started avoiding responsibility. You know, when you know what to do but you already assume you’ll mess up, so you don’t even bother trying (coward). That is exactly what my lazy behind was experiencing.

So last Sunday (yesterday), as I sat in church, I decided to let it go. To just give it a try. And God never disappoints. And I learned two things in that little moment that seemed so insignificant, in a place that doesn’t seem significant to man. But can become a major-historical turning point in my spiritual life-zone thing. If I let it.

One.

God isn’t just love. He is loving. The verb, to love, is His being. All He does, His mere existence is loving you (me), and that love is activating. The mere fact that God exists means that everything can go well for you. That everything that seems to be working against you, can be turned into good. That is what I felt in that moment and am coming to believe.

I have set a mental goal for myself to reach certain things and do certain things in my life. Everyone has goals. And one of mine is to live effectively and efficiently impact my community. I have two projects in mind that I am just so scared to start off. But this brings me the other lesson from Sunday.

I love to set a goal to get things done when I get home. But as I get home, I just slouch. Go to sleep, watch t.v. or do other meaningless things. Lesson number two: I can’t afford that any longer. Not only will I not get my life on track, but I will also remain a miserable person and make others around me miserable, only causing more misery because I will try to hold others accountable for my poor choices. I am also trying to learn how to live with disappointment with people that I actually love. Love them or leave them? What does God say. He will be with me either way. The choice is mine.

Life is a beautiful thing. There is so much to do, so much to be, achieve. And the journey is a whole other beautiful story. Be encouraged to not lose hope in yourself when you feel like you messed up. The world needs you. You need you.

Wonder

I wonder if you know

how much I love you

If you know how often

I wonder this

Even though we don’t talk all the time

Even though we don’t meet everyday

Am I falling too deep

Am I falling too hard?

never mind you being so easy to love

I just can’t help myself

I wonder.

Do you know?

So I tell you this

time and time again.

Enough, to make you believe me

with my eyes open, so you can see through me.

Do you know?

 

Who I am

Who I am? I don’t always have an answer to that question. All I know is that at times there’s a lot of mumbling in my head. And I can’t figure out who on God’s planet earth is speaking and what is actually being said. 

Some days I thirst and hunger for achievement, as if that is what I need in stead of a breath. And now and then. Though very rarely, do I come across a silence. That surrenders ages and constellations to speak. Not knowing where it cometh from, nor where it descends….I pray for peace with an empty timetable in my hands. 

Nobody knew what I was doing there. I felt like an accident. As if a series of unfortunate events had occured that forced me to be there. It was no secret that I was not welcome. And my understanding of life at that moment, or my lack of it, did not help the matter. I existed. And co-existed. Felt like I was thriving, making my life count for something and going somewhere meaningful. It is crazy how a lie can seem so real. And then the heavens took a deep breath, sighed a deep sigh and decided it was enough. I was made free. But the pain of recovery still echoes through the cracks. Time. Heals all wounds? I am moving on, still. But I am ever so watchfull. Lies start sweet and always seem surreal. Until the heavens decide to sigh and breathe.

While I am standing here, wondering if this is yet anothet crossroad, I realize I can’t make the same choices I made back then. Not only am I not the same. The truth shines and lies seem to glow. Where have I seen this before. And another truth is, I can’t hold hearts that I don’t know. But I do want to hold this heart of yours. I know what is happening, we are falling apart. If only you’d just admit it. Without your signature bias. 

I want to go back to that dream. The one im which you were here. So I could live there and be everything I try so hard to be but can’t achieve. 

Closing my eyes seems to soothe the pain. But it’s just a mirage. 

A hunger not even time can still. Reality has lost it’s check. Bye. I am locked up here. From forever where you are. A dream that only reoccurs in fragments, enough to keep me alive. But hardly breathing. 

I can’t go back to that dream. Truth is you have never been here….keeping the water out of the boat.