Beginnings and ends of Days

I wish to rest my head on your chest

laying beside you

and go through our day with you

and hear from you, while I myself confess

when we missed each other the most

hoping we can keep count

to make up for those moments with sweet pecks

on our lips, foreheads and other loving places

When did you feel the most strong

and how did you save the world

with our fingers entwined

hearing you’re mine

and professing I’m yours

even with our satisfied sighs

Can we lay our days to rest  in each other’s arms

Having full custody of our own hearts

yet willingly lay them bare to one another

I want to start the end of my every days on your chest

while your lips start yours with a prayer of thanks on my forehead

Advertisements

A head on your chest

Just for some rest

Reassurance and the peacefulness

Only love’s heartbeat can give

;

An arm over your head

Her heartbeat like the sound of waves

Taking you home

And rocking life’s worries away

;

Eyes closed

Comments withdrawn

Only love’s heartbeat like cleansing waters, kissing the shore

Another desire reveals itself

There is this feeling today

There is this thing that I want today.

And it seems so big and scary and too far fetched

But there is this sense of determination.

besides that one voice.

Sounding like a big bad wolf.

Questioning and reminding me of my knack for failure.

“Why do I think I will actually be able to pull this off?” “Why do  I think this will actually work for me?”

It is a voice that I’ve been hearing for so long and been believing too much.

Great philosophers and life coaches know the power of Pause.

I haven’t had one for so long.

I’ve only taken myself to the underlying state of existing

Jordan Peele’s Sunken Place maybe

Where the real world where I belong has become so distant and one world too far

It is where I haven’t given myself room to breathe, always looking over my shoulder, seeking to outdo the uneducated, undisciplined and utterly unloveable girl I was yesterday.

Sometime, somewhere, one of these days she will get her break.

But I don’t think that is today.

There is this thing that I want today, since yesterday

I just can’t seem to push the idea away.

While I am not remotely done shutting the big bad wolf up

Somebody who is greater than me

Someone that seems to know I can,  he introduces me to this new thing

And the lonely wolf, who knows damn well I can do this

who has seen countless times that I have

starts telling his old tale again

Although he is really loud

I am positive hope-filled silence will drown him out

 

 

 

There’s a strain from loneliness on my back

Right between my shoulders

And it feels bittersweet

Like when you feel at home

But the house seems too empty

Like having wings to fly

But being scared of height 

Alone

With my own thoughts 

Makes me feel content 

I could get up and slay demons

Figure a way out

And plan roadtrips for myself

But lately

I have been feeling a strain on my back

Just between my shoulderblades

I can never tell how to stop the ache

Could it be 

Maybe

That a firm hand

On that place

Would make it go away

Could it be so

That maybe

A hand to hold on a long drive

Would make the strain stray? 

And leave me courageous on my own again

Not so careery careerwoman

Long before I started working at 19 years old, I saw myself as a career woman. I wanted the uber busy life of work, work, work, just about enough time for pleasure and lots of succes. I have worked for it and tried..for a while. After that I got a bit confused about my own possibilities, desires and about how this world works. I thaught myself to not be naive and remain ready for every challenge. Soon enough my first job became boring. I lacked motivation and felt like there wasn’t one drop of challenge left in what I was doing. I wanted more but also could not live up to the requirements. 

It didn’t take long before the first supposedly blow struck at my second job. I never wanted to be the woman or the girl that stays at home, does all the chores, cooks and cleans, goes to the grocery store, watches tv or surfs the internet, blogs a little and so on. But something happened as my days at my first job were coming to an end. Maybe it is because I had spent so much time away from home that I really started to desire to stay home. Now I am also leaving my second job. It is a small mess that I don’t really want to talk about. The desire to be the stay at home girl seems to become stronger by the day. I don’t know how to get it out from under my skin. I still want a career and to be busy. But rather being busy with accomplishing things for people in need and things like that. Or maybe this is an invitation into what my future could look like? I don’t know. Feelings can be fleeting. But this one has been with me for over three years now. 

I am absolutely curious about what will happen in my life in the near future. As I am so sure that Christ has begun a work that He will absolutely finish. But I am so afrais that I dream too much, fear too much and don’t get up and step into the path that I am being shown so mercifully. I cannot wait for the new things, but actually I have to because I don’t think I am ready. I almost feel like I have no reason to believe I can do it. But that, ofcourse, is a lie. 

As a new year awaits me and the universe I brace myself, taking a deep breath to leap. In faith. 

Not by emotions, nor convictions

This morning I woke up feeling renewed, refreshed. I have just come out of a bit of an unpleasant period and it feels as if today was the first day of a period of ‘clearance’. I was going through an unpleasant time because I did not use my time and energy effectively. I also think that my body is getting into a new rhythm that I am not used to yet. It also might have something to do with my strong mental focus on changes that will happen in my life within a few months.

I also feel a little bit lighter. I had expectations that were not met. That upset me and frustrated me. I have helped myself to let that go. I say ‘helped myself’ because I already have the strength to do all I need to do. But sometimes we hold ourselves back by our expectations and in this case I was no different. Although it will take some time before I am totally free of expectations and ideals, it is all okay. I will be fine.

I have to realize that it is not by might, nor by power, nor by my emotions and my convictions, but by the spirit of God that I will grow.