Who I am

Who I am? I don’t always have an answer to that question. All I know is that at times there’s a lot of mumbling in my head. And I can’t figure out who on God’s planet earth is speaking and what is actually being said. 

Some days I thirst and hunger for achievement, as if that is what I need in stead of a breath. And now and then. Though very rarely, do I come across a silence. That surrenders ages and constellations to speak. Not knowing where it cometh from, nor where it descends….I pray for peace with an empty timetable in my hands. 

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Questions

Are we going to die? Are we all going to die? But I’m scared. What if non of this ends when we do. What if it all starts over again. What will we do. Can we actually do something. Where will we go? Who will be stronger? Will it be our will or our circumstances. I don’t want to die. At least, I want my will to prevail. I want to be able to make sure that we’re all okay. That no one will fear us. That nothing will scare us. That we won’t be oppressed and won’t allow intimidation. What will become of us….The little boy’s plea died with him. One second before he could get another word out. The world ended with him. As for the afterworld…what do you think. Did he make it? Have you seen him around? 

There’s a strain from loneliness on my back

Right between my shoulders

And it feels bittersweet

Like when you feel at home

But the house seems too empty

Like having wings to fly

But being scared of height 

Alone

With my own thoughts 

Makes me feel content 

I could get up and slay demons

Figure a way out

And plan roadtrips for myself

But lately

I have been feeling a strain on my back

Just between my shoulderblades

I can never tell how to stop the ache

Could it be 

Maybe

That a firm hand

On that place

Would make it go away

Could it be so

That maybe

A hand to hold on a long drive

Would make the strain stray? 

And leave me courageous on my own again

Friendships Reloaded

These days I feel a new sense of warmth and love about me. I feel safe, I feel kept and although I can find things in my life to be shaky about, I feel secured. The bible does say to live by faith and not by sight and I also add feelings. Sometimes you have to really learn to find and activate that faith and some days it is just there. At least, that is how it is in my life. I don’t have one on one convo’s with God all the time, not that I know of, so my walk with Him is one I am still figuring out.

The crazy thing is that I have never been one to have a lot of friends. In childhood I actually had only two girls I really saw as friends. We were very close. Where everybody had a pack of friends, I used to hang with just one closely and frequently. As I got older I realized that I am more of a quality than quantity person.

A few years ago I had an unpleasant experience with a friend I held very close to my heart. I no longer pursued that friendship because it no longer aligned with my values in a friendship. So I just grew tired and dropped everything. Our lives were already going in different directions, so I let nature take it’s course. Sometimes I miss her, but I realize she and I have both grown and we might no longer be who we were at the time.

These days I find, more so recognize, that God is doing a new thing in my life with friendships. I already expressed that I am a ‘small circle’ girl. So I did not really want new friendships and relationships. But some girls I’ve just met and I knew that we would have ‘stuff’ together. There is one in particular that I just really love and I don’t know why. I mean,  I love all my friends, but it is just weird that her personality really captures me. I find that God is restoring my idea of relationships. I may come across as anti-social to some people, but I just don’t need inefficiency. Even with friendships. The people you keep around you and allow to speak into your life really influence you in tremendous ways. My longest lasting friendship is with a girl that I just know will be my friend forever. Some things I just know.

You may have noticed that I keep talking about girls. That is because I don’t really have my own male-friends. There is just one, but we don’t hang out or anything. We just know that we value and respect eachother and that is it. There is stuff I could talk to him about and he with me. But we just don’t need to hang out often. We meet around.

With this being said, I still don’t want to pursue new friendships and enlarge my circle of close and trustworthy friends. But I am open to healthy relationships with other people and more so, relationships were we can be of value to eachother, the kingdom of God and society.

Aside

Man

Man
You are like sunshine in my head
My bones shake like pebble stones
The trees have arranged a new bond with their leafs

Man,
I hardly have tears
But you make me want to weep
With the horrors that present to my mind
About you
And our likeability

Man
I hope to soon understand
Why you haven’t already
Held my hand