Who I am? I don’t always have an answer to that question. All I know is that at times there’s a lot of mumbling in my head. And I can’t figure out who on God’s planet earth is speaking and what is actually being said.
Some days I thirst and hunger for achievement, as if that is what I need in stead of a breath. And now and then. Though very rarely, do I come across a silence. That surrenders ages and constellations to speak. Not knowing where it cometh from, nor where it descends….I pray for peace with an empty timetable in my hands.
Nobody knew what I was doing there. I felt like an accident. As if a series of unfortunate events had occured that forced me to be there. It was no secret that I was not welcome. And my understanding of life at that moment, or my lack of it, did not help the matter. I existed. And co-existed. Felt like I was thriving, making my life count for something and going somewhere meaningful. It is crazy how a lie can seem so real. And then the heavens took a deep breath, sighed a deep sigh and decided it was enough. I was made free. But the pain of recovery still echoes through the cracks. Time. Heals all wounds? I am moving on, still. But I am ever so watchfull. Lies start sweet and always seem surreal. Until the heavens decide to sigh and breathe.
While I am standing here, wondering if this is yet anothet crossroad, I realize I can’t make the same choices I made back then. Not only am I not the same. The truth shines and lies seem to glow. Where have I seen this before. And another truth is, I can’t hold hearts that I don’t know. But I do want to hold this heart of yours. I know what is happening, we are falling apart. If only you’d just admit it. Without your signature bias.
I have secrets.
I hold them.
Because you don’t like to hear.
You’ve never been one to listen.
I could write them to you.
If only you liked to read.
I can’t show them to you…
For your closed heart has made you blind
She smiles, avoiding the stray look in his eyes. ” I know you forget how you used to look at me. From across the room, the other side of the table, and even when you were ever so close. I know you forget. How your eyes used to smother me. And I had to part my lips to take a breathe. I know you forget. You just cannot help yourself. You even forget what you used to say to me, when you held my hand. I know. How the morning dew used to wake me to your voice. It’s not that bad. You even forget how hard it was to keep my sanity when you first walked away from me. I know you do. So I remember. I remember those days, I hear the breaths and relive the feelings until your ghost is gone. And someone else sings me out of bed. I hope that by then you will forget I was never mad.” She smiles, looking straight ahead in his forgetful eyes.
If you’ve had your wings broken
You will naturally have a sharp edge
Untill growth softens the edges
Of the peaks
. . .
This is how ladies could grow
Either sexual, mental or verbal
Long before I started working at 19 years old, I saw myself as a career woman. I wanted the uber busy life of work, work, work, just about enough time for pleasure and lots of succes. I have worked for it and tried..for a while. After that I got a bit confused about my own possibilities, desires and about how this world works. I thaught myself to not be naive and remain ready for every challenge. Soon enough my first job became boring. I lacked motivation and felt like there wasn’t one drop of challenge left in what I was doing. I wanted more but also could not live up to the requirements.
It didn’t take long before the first supposedly blow struck at my second job. I never wanted to be the woman or the girl that stays at home, does all the chores, cooks and cleans, goes to the grocery store, watches tv or surfs the internet, blogs a little and so on. But something happened as my days at my first job were coming to an end. Maybe it is because I had spent so much time away from home that I really started to desire to stay home. Now I am also leaving my second job. It is a small mess that I don’t really want to talk about. The desire to be the stay at home girl seems to become stronger by the day. I don’t know how to get it out from under my skin. I still want a career and to be busy. But rather being busy with accomplishing things for people in need and things like that. Or maybe this is an invitation into what my future could look like? I don’t know. Feelings can be fleeting. But this one has been with me for over three years now.
I am absolutely curious about what will happen in my life in the near future. As I am so sure that Christ has begun a work that He will absolutely finish. But I am so afrais that I dream too much, fear too much and don’t get up and step into the path that I am being shown so mercifully. I cannot wait for the new things, but actually I have to because I don’t think I am ready. I almost feel like I have no reason to believe I can do it. But that, ofcourse, is a lie.
As a new year awaits me and the universe I brace myself, taking a deep breath to leap. In faith.
Hum to ke chayla
My soul feels clear
As if a torch
Has been passed
And all burdens
Out of me
I am ready
My smiles are open
I can put on
All my magic
I can harvest
All the stars
All I need is you to be right here
Hum to ke chayla
Tum hay meri dunya
Meri pyare jaan