Nobody knew what I was doing there. I felt like an accident. As if a series of unfortunate events had occured that forced me to be there. It was no secret that I was not welcome. And my understanding of life at that moment, or my lack of it, did not help the matter. I existed. And co-existed. Felt like I was thriving, making my life count for something and going somewhere meaningful. It is crazy how a lie can seem so real. And then the heavens took a deep breath, sighed a deep sigh and decided it was enough. I was made free. But the pain of recovery still echoes through the cracks. Time. Heals all wounds? I am moving on, still. But I am ever so watchfull. Lies start sweet and always seem surreal. Until the heavens decide to sigh and breathe.

While I am standing here, wondering if this is yet anothet crossroad, I realize I can’t make the same choices I made back then. Not only am I not the same. The truth shines and lies seem to glow. Where have I seen this before. And another truth is, I can’t hold hearts that I don’t know. But I do want to hold this heart of yours. I know what is happening, we are falling apart. If only you’d just admit it. Without your signature bias. 

I want to go back to that dream. The one im which you were here. So I could live there and be everything I try so hard to be but can’t achieve. 

Closing my eyes seems to soothe the pain. But it’s just a mirage. 

A hunger not even time can still. Reality has lost it’s check. Bye. I am locked up here. From forever where you are. A dream that only reoccurs in fragments, enough to keep me alive. But hardly breathing. 

I can’t go back to that dream. Truth is you have never been here….keeping the water out of the boat. 

I opened up for you

And to your lies

Because, 

I thought, 

Anything is better than this silence

I was harboring

Anything was better than this wall

I was hiding in

Opening up, so I could look at you

And dream that there was more to you

Than the pretend

The self-hate you casted to everyone else

You see, I have always known this about you. 

But you still won’t believe me

When it comes to love. 

I still do.

But I have bo business holding on to merely an idea of you. 

Now that I have taken down my walls for you. 

I have strentgh and wisdom 

To walk free. 

Home with you

It is a safe place

but also feels like a cage

I see you changing

I wonder why you speak so loudly

and say the things you say

Countless nights have I spent awake

and long drives have I spent absent minded

on little things you say

and little things you do

I do not want to lose you while we’re both still here

and you.

You are always tired

but will only admit it

when you’ve already reached your last strength

why are you so worried

about things you cannot change

you even insist you either will or have to die

I don’t want to lose you

while we’re both still here.

I want you to stay, but not become who you are becoming.

The heavens have sent me a note.

that it is okay

that we’ll be okay

But I still get scared

and irritated

when I have to repeat myself time and time again.

I prayed a prayer about the next generation

that I want them to be full grown before you go

But I know

nothing can be for sure

except that I don’t want to lose you.

But there is nothing I can do

Tonight I am thinking

Tonight I am thinking

There is a blue print of (your) life in your soul

And as you live and sometimes come close to due time for some things to come into existence

The print reveals 

Tonight I’m thinking about all that lives in my soul

The good and the bad

The past, present and future. 

I feel pain. For what I have not yet overcome. And not being able to reach forward and keep my eyes locked on all the good that actually is here. 

Tonight I  am thinking that moments like these. I mean nights like these are why we need to memorize scripture. 

Tonight I’m thinking. Wondering. Why my eyes see so much. Why my heart feels so much. And why I want to respond. Why do I feel crushed. And broken. 

Why are there eyes that tell stories to mine. Yet, they will never be spoken. Do we share the same demons or have we been rescued by the same angel? 

Tonight I am thinking. That it is late and I’m still awake. That this is all I am giving. Tomorrow I will be strong. And brave the silent storytellers that fear the sword of my being. 

Tonight is all I am giving. Tomorrow I am brave.