From the deep end

Learning to love you from the deep end
Hiding my sorrows and joys from you
not dedicating anything I love to you
Just sitting here with my soul
who traumatized and unanswered to
I call my own
Leaning on love for you
from the deep end
I’ve been here before
But never have I known
We’re not inclined to
changing our destiny
your path is yours and mine is here, with me

Learning to love you from the deep end
Nevertheless
overcome with joy

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Change of style

I wasn’t planning on telling the world about my how and why of cutting my hair. I mean, there are all these ladies ‘big chopping’ and explaining why. It all just seems so cliche to me. I am not trying to prove anything or making a statement.

But it all feels so good and different and new that I want to remind myself how it felt. I started thinking about cutting my hair (again) when I noticed I had problems with my ends. I didn’t deeply investigate what was going on because I honestly don’t trust everybody with my hair. I wasn’t even thinking about spending that kind of money. There is nothing about sitting in a salon chair that seemed very interesting to me at that time. Right now I am not sure what absolutely made me decide to chop. Another thing is that I want to lock my hair when I turn thirty and by that time I want my hair to be healthy. So cutting it and starting fresh seemed like an awesome idea.

I talked to two friends about this step that may seem like a simple thing but does end up becoming a pretty big deal. I mean it impacts your whole look and daily routine. And my friends being the great people they are,  have given me great advise. One led me to great barbershops and the other just motivated me to do get on with it. I am pleasantly surprised at how easy this decision came for me. About a week before the date I planned to cut my hair, I had this moment of unwavering what do you call it, decision making? I have yet to find the right word. I just knew that it was something that I would go through with. It was such an amazing feeling and I hope I have it more often. I hope I have this when I am making big life decisions, like where to live, buying a house, investing my money, getting married and stuff like that.

How it feels? I feel like a whole other person. I mean, I haven’t changed on the inside, but I feel so much more confident; grounded. I look at myself in the mirror and really want to get to know this woman better, see what else she has up her sleeve, find out what more amazing things she can do. I feel like this is the look that was cut out for me and that this was the right time for me to do it. I feel amazing. It is almost crazy that a ‘little thing’ like cutting my hair (real short) would have this effect on my feelings. I also feel like there are no obstacles on my way in this life (I know I will get the wake-up call soon).

I felt so relieved and happy when the barber started cutting my hair and I felt and saw these big chunks of beautiful hair falling off my head to the floor. I still don’t miss any of it. I don’t really remember how it felt to have all that hair in respects to having so little hair now. The only person who reacted really dramatically in my family so far is my mother. She is quite traditional and won’t have a woman cutting her hair off and putting in any designs. She also freaked out when I put two extra piercings in one ear. I hope I don’t start freaking out about putting in locs when the time comes. I love my mother and don’t want to do anything to disrespect and dishonor her. But I feel like her views about my body don’t have to be hers and that I cannot allow myself to do things because I don’t want her to get mad. I am praying for the day that she understand that my decisions about my body are not to hurt her and aren’t meant to be against her.

I am really enjoying my new look and almost want to call it my ‘new found freedom’ (dramatizing much). If you want to try something new and are scared, I want to encourage you to trust yourself, prepare yourself all from a place of love. You will thank yourself as I am enjoying my new look right now.

amber set a fire

It’s unbearable in me these days
But outside I’m cold
even my eyes don’t portray this heat
for deep inside, it stays

It’s hot in here these days
I wear my camisole under a blazer
my caftan over my leggings
I march the streets in search of solutions
But within me, this heat it lays

I’m cold outside
but my senses are torched
my hunger for life abhorred
this life
this fire
these cold fingers
without the amber in your eyes

This love thing

If this love thing was going to happen

I’d expect it to be like in the movies

That I’d somehow shamelessly pursue it, be vulnerable for it and cling to this person and make myself available for all of it.

This is supposed to happen in all life’s relationships. But the emphasis on this love thing is unimaginably overwhelming.

We seek it so hard but treat it so lightly. And yet I still don’t understand why I am so hard with it. I think I know how to be right with it. But I still judge and scrutinize all who go at it.

When this love thing happens, I’ve observed, it’s never like in the movies. There is no music, there are no edits, only rapid heart beats, sweaty palms, dry mouths, shallow breaths and sometimes hurtful and deep shame.

This love thing. I love and hate it. I’d love to love it. But truth is I”d like to be indifferent to it. Because once it sets in, it reaches too deep and conjures too much. It can halt, stagnate and even break. There is always a way through it. I am mostly not afraid of pain. But those that have loved me know better. They were never right. We could never fit.

This love thing oftentimes also is a lovely thing.

Unsaid

It is a distant longing

That is too sacred for words

Too fragile to acknowledge

Too holy to describe

So one frowns

When it is displayed openly

One shivers

When it is told freely

One hurts

When it is broken off

Completely

Where fingers intertwine

Hearts sigh as one

Eyelids flutter together

And dreams beat one and the same drum

Words dry up

Sound is abomination

Tell tale, blasphemy

If you can’t, love, I’ll pray

And whisper all our fears away

I’ll carry our burdens like they’re all my own

And show you love like you’ve never known

If you can’t, love, I’ll cry. And kiss every doubt out you’re eyes

My hands will hold our worlds, like their only mine

But remember you promised me, love. That our love is forever and there is nothing we cannot do, as long as I am here with you.

So if you can’t, I will.

Perfect. For you

Do

You think

I’m perfect?

When you look at me like that

Never mind that I look down or away and always pretend I don’t see

When you lower your voice and shift your very being to my attention

Never mind that I have no words or rather swallow them

When you have your back towards me and your arms where they belong

Never mind that I feel used like old drawing paper

Do you think I’m perfect.

When you see me and lose yourself like that.

Do you think I could be perfect for you. . .