Private or just plain selfish

Right now I should be in bed.
Holding my mom or at least make her feel my warmth. Because my father, the one who has always been here, is in the hospital. I really miss him and just wish he would heal super fast and really well so he can come home and we can take care of him until he is so healthy that he can be safe again. But this is not what this post is really about.

As you may (already found out) know, I am somewhat of a loner or at least really enjoy my own company and my time alone. I have also always had a deep dislike for explaining myself (too often/too much) and for small talk. I was shocked when I realized that I completely shut down from what is going on and being said around me when I’m tired.

So the case is that my sister is a real talker. Especially at the end of the day (when I am exhausted), she has about a million things to talk about. First, I didn’t like listening to her because I felt like she should know that I am tired and cannot listen very well in those moments. But then I also learned that people that love one another, listen to each other. So I did the best I can to listen to her a whole while at first, until I was less tired and then react.

In the past few months, I have grown out of certain things that used to seem either very important or interesting or innocent. So whenever I am in company of people where these things are discussed or when people are ‘making’ small talk I try to respectably refrain from the conversation. I used to get angry or frustrated and make unpleasant remarks at times, but then I learned that I was being disrespectful, so I just kept my mouth shut.

But now I am growing quieter in conversations and in general. I do know that a sign of maturity is when you learn to control your tongue and not just blurt out anything that comes to mind. But I am quite afraid of where this is going. Some days, especially when I leave home late for work, I have absolutely no interest in saying anything in the car, on our way to work. And my sister keeps talking, so I feel forced to react and it costs me so much energy and mental courage or something like that, to actually join in the conversation. Because I don’t want to make my sister feel uncomfortable. I love her and I want her to know that she can always talk to me. (But can she really) I would never want her to walk around with something she needed to talk about but didn’t because I make her feel insecure about talking to me. Or because she doesn’t feel welcome in my convo’s.

But at the same time, this is exactly what I am doing to her. I have read that people that are born in the season I was born in, don’t like to ‘bother’ other people with their problems. And also strongly dislike being vulnerable…I truly do hate that feeling (that’s what makes blogging easier than talking to someone). I am afraid that I am taking this to the extremes, but at the same time I feel SO MUCH safer with my own thoughts and feelings because I also know that not many people have the same views as I do. For example, discussing certain topics with people that aren’t open minded seems so pointless to me.

I can be the life at the party as much as I hate having to participate in social activities. In my experience they are only disruptive to me and my life. I really do feel like keeping to myself and the almost two or two and a half people I trsut, is the best. But I don’t want to exclude people and end up hurting them when all they want to do is love me or be my friend.

I have a life in my head where I am alone and indepent and only interact with people on my own terms. If someone has a problem, I am immediately available and help them real quick and go off the radar again. But this imagination is far from reality, but does concern me. What exactly am I doing wrong?

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Aside

Reminder for healing

Here,

Inside the dark of this gloomy room

I feel like a foetus in a mother’s womb

Looking ahead to days of the past

And all I endured, becoming who I am

When I loved like there could never be tomorrow

Only to find out that tomorrows, though never promised, always do come.

I hope that when I am born

I can love again, in a way that is solely mine

just so loves I cannot harbor, don’t take their leave with mine.

***Whenever you get attached to something or someone, whatever of whoever, letting go will take time. Remember to heal. Always take time to heal. And forgive. Forgive whatever it is that was latched unto you and you had yourself latched unto, no matter their part in the process. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to bruise yourself and the other party in such a way. Do heal. It makes everything better.

Trustee

I was fine until I saw your injustice

Up till then you and I were fine

For as long as I can remember, your every wish was also mine

When my eyes fell open to your hidden lies

I could no longer unsee them

They were as clear as day light

Before a wanderer’s eyes

Now I smile when you hurt me

Moan but softly when you thrust your daggers into my frail skin

When I am no longer here, only

Might your recovery begin.

Crimson path

You again!

I really, really hate you. I wish I could avoid you and get rid of you. But I am careful with what I wish for. Because every time you strike, it’s ‘poor me’ again.

You! How I wish you never knew me. Although I know you’re supposed to be good. You are nothing short of a curse.

How I wish I could hate you with a passion. But I can only hope for that much energy. For you make me so sleepy.

At first you give me cravings. Then you make me cranky. And after that you make me sleepy, picky. You also make me suffer. I fall ill at your hands. I can’t help but think that your only interest in me are evil plans. Yoy make me angry. And week. Though sometimes help me become humble and realise I am actually really fragile. That I nees love and care and everything I long to give, that I also deserve a caring hand.

I know you are supposed to bring me good. But I wish you were always good. Sometimes my faith gets shaken as I wonder ‘what more do I need to know and need to do God, can’t You just make it okay.’ So I don’t really talk to Him when you’re around. Because maybe I am doing something wrong.

I only wish that you are worth it. For if you prove you are not . . .I mean, I can’t only be in my twenties and already looking forward to menopause. If you actually aren’t any good, even if you are…would you please consider being kind to me.