Nobody knew what I was doing there. I felt like an accident. As if a series of unfortunate events had occured that forced me to be there. It was no secret that I was not welcome. And my understanding of life at that moment, or my lack of it, did not help the matter. I existed. And co-existed. Felt like I was thriving, making my life count for something and going somewhere meaningful. It is crazy how a lie can seem so real. And then the heavens took a deep breath, sighed a deep sigh and decided it was enough. I was made free. But the pain of recovery still echoes through the cracks. Time. Heals all wounds? I am moving on, still. But I am ever so watchfull. Lies start sweet and always seem surreal. Until the heavens decide to sigh and breathe.
While I am standing here, wondering if this is yet anothet crossroad, I realize I can’t make the same choices I made back then. Not only am I not the same. The truth shines and lies seem to glow. Where have I seen this before. And another truth is, I can’t hold hearts that I don’t know. But I do want to hold this heart of yours. I know what is happening, we are falling apart. If only you’d just admit it. Without your signature bias.
I want to go back to that dream. The one im which you were here. So I could live there and be everything I try so hard to be but can’t achieve.
Closing my eyes seems to soothe the pain. But it’s just a mirage.
A hunger not even time can still. Reality has lost it’s check. Bye. I am locked up here. From forever where you are. A dream that only reoccurs in fragments, enough to keep me alive. But hardly breathing.
I can’t go back to that dream. Truth is you have never been here….keeping the water out of the boat.
I have secrets.
I hold them.
Because you don’t like to hear.
You’ve never been one to listen.
I could write them to you.
If only you liked to read.
I can’t show them to you…
For your closed heart has made you blind
I opened up for you
And to your lies
Anything is better than this silence
I was harboring
Anything was better than this wall
I was hiding in
Opening up, so I could look at you
And dream that there was more to you
Than the pretend
The self-hate you casted to everyone else
You see, I have always known this about you.
But you still won’t believe me
When it comes to love.
I still do.
But I have bo business holding on to merely an idea of you.
Now that I have taken down my walls for you.
I have strentgh and wisdom
To walk free.
It is a safe place
but also feels like a cage
I see you changing
I wonder why you speak so loudly
and say the things you say
Countless nights have I spent awake
and long drives have I spent absent minded
on little things you say
and little things you do
I do not want to lose you while we’re both still here
You are always tired
but will only admit it
when you’ve already reached your last strength
why are you so worried
about things you cannot change
you even insist you either will or have to die
I don’t want to lose you
while we’re both still here.
I want you to stay, but not become who you are becoming.
The heavens have sent me a note.
that it is okay
that we’ll be okay
But I still get scared
when I have to repeat myself time and time again.
I prayed a prayer about the next generation
that I want them to be full grown before you go
But I know
nothing can be for sure
except that I don’t want to lose you.
But there is nothing I can do
This may be a prayer
You are beautiful
You make everything new and inspiring
You rescue me when I tend to fall
and renew my strength when I have failed You
Tonight I am thinking
There is a blue print of (your) life in your soul
And as you live and sometimes come close to due time for some things to come into existence
The print reveals
Tonight I’m thinking about all that lives in my soul
The good and the bad
The past, present and future.
I feel pain. For what I have not yet overcome. And not being able to reach forward and keep my eyes locked on all the good that actually is here.
Tonight I am thinking that moments like these. I mean nights like these are why we need to memorize scripture.
Tonight I’m thinking. Wondering. Why my eyes see so much. Why my heart feels so much. And why I want to respond. Why do I feel crushed. And broken.
Why are there eyes that tell stories to mine. Yet, they will never be spoken. Do we share the same demons or have we been rescued by the same angel?
Tonight I am thinking. That it is late and I’m still awake. That this is all I am giving. Tomorrow I will be strong. And brave the silent storytellers that fear the sword of my being.
Tonight is all I am giving. Tomorrow I am brave.