I opened up for you

And to your lies

Because, 

I thought, 

Anything is better than this silence

I was harboring

Anything was better than this wall

I was hiding in

Opening up, so I could look at you

And dream that there was more to you

Than the pretend

The self-hate you casted to everyone else

You see, I have always known this about you. 

But you still won’t believe me

When it comes to love. 

I still do.

But I have bo business holding on to merely an idea of you. 

Now that I have taken down my walls for you. 

I have strentgh and wisdom 

To walk free. 

Home with you

It is a safe place

but also feels like a cage

I see you changing

I wonder why you speak so loudly

and say the things you say

Countless nights have I spent awake

and long drives have I spent absent minded

on little things you say

and little things you do

I do not want to lose you while we’re both still here

and you.

You are always tired

but will only admit it

when you’ve already reached your last strength

why are you so worried

about things you cannot change

you even insist you either will or have to die

I don’t want to lose you

while we’re both still here.

I want you to stay, but not become who you are becoming.

The heavens have sent me a note.

that it is okay

that we’ll be okay

But I still get scared

and irritated

when I have to repeat myself time and time again.

I prayed a prayer about the next generation

that I want them to be full grown before you go

But I know

nothing can be for sure

except that I don’t want to lose you.

But there is nothing I can do

Tonight I am thinking

Tonight I am thinking

There is a blue print of (your) life in your soul

And as you live and sometimes come close to due time for some things to come into existence

The print reveals 

Tonight I’m thinking about all that lives in my soul

The good and the bad

The past, present and future. 

I feel pain. For what I have not yet overcome. And not being able to reach forward and keep my eyes locked on all the good that actually is here. 

Tonight I  am thinking that moments like these. I mean nights like these are why we need to memorize scripture. 

Tonight I’m thinking. Wondering. Why my eyes see so much. Why my heart feels so much. And why I want to respond. Why do I feel crushed. And broken. 

Why are there eyes that tell stories to mine. Yet, they will never be spoken. Do we share the same demons or have we been rescued by the same angel? 

Tonight I am thinking. That it is late and I’m still awake. That this is all I am giving. Tomorrow I will be strong. And brave the silent storytellers that fear the sword of my being. 

Tonight is all I am giving. Tomorrow I am brave. 

God, my swim- instructor 

I am standing at the poolside, frozen, looking up at the instructor motivating me to come in and that it will be okay. Of corse it will. But I won’t. I will mess up. I will fail. I am too afraid. 

Afraid. 

Ever since I had landed myself a job, did tons of flawess interviews for a local news channel and especially managed to get a loan for my first car, I believed I was brave. I needed nothing and no one, I could tell myself to do anything and so I would. 

Until I came to realize I was bitterly failing. The One and the things that matter most were put off, pushed to the back of my head as mere shadows of something I would now and then touch, but mostly keep bravely away from. I realized that I do want God, life, love, true friendships and meaningful relationships. That all the projects I could do would not matter if I was to do them alone. 

So I sigh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. Only to come back up after a few seconds, gasping for breath. I did mess up. I am too scared. I have not learned to breathe underwather and I am afraid my lungs will burst. But the instructor is saying these reassuring things and I really want to learn how to swim because I really, really love water. So I go back in. Repeat it all, all over again. 

I am living in the unknown. Aren’t we all? I mean, we never know what might happen next. But many of us have faith that our tomorrow is safe and good, because we believe what God says. Just like the instructor, He keeps reassuring us and even gets down in the water, fully clothed to let us see. So we dive in to resurface back again because we don’t know how to breathe. 

Life has gotten me in a place where I don’t like to be. I saw it coming and thought I was prepared. Turns out, I’m not. It isn’t so much the events that have depressed me. But it is the fear. Actress Keke Palmer repeats so many great people when she says that fear is a choice. Fear is what I chose when I thought I had no choice. To some people (I mean an uber select few) I might be an open book, but in my head I am extremement private. Talking about my fears and hopes is a no-no. I might even write them down and publish them for the whole world to see but I promise that I will never sit down and discuss them especially with those that I love (and love me back). So in my mind I was stuck. And no one is ever really stuck. When you feel stuck, you are actually spiralling down. And that is exactly were I was going; down. But thankfully a friend reached out and although nothing was discussed, I found the courage to redirect back to the light! 

As I am emerging from the shadows of my lonely-made mind, I am not alone. I am holding a hand that is pulling me through. God is pulling me through. But I am more afraid than anything else because this is so new and this is so surprising. Most of the time I am holding my breath when I catch a glimpse of where He is taking me. Some are everything I always wanted and others are completely new. I try not to make eye contact and look straight ahead so I don’t get distracted. But eventually I do look away. That’s when I hold my breath and feel the urge to run away. It’s on those days when I spend hours awake in bed, dreading to open the blinds and get out. “What is so cool about going outside?” It’s on those days I am a couch potato because the tv takes me worlds away and I can ignore my shortage of oxygen intake. It is when I don’t open my bible or my song practice apps, because I am afraid my lungs will burst. 

John Legend found Chrissy Teigen and with her his head is underwater and he is breathing fine. I’d be laying on the poolside, flat on my back in the midst of reanimation proces. Just kidding. John and Chrissy didn’t just land there. It must have taken them a while. A while of reassuring, plunging, near-drowning and eventually trust. Trust that he wouldn’t stop even when he did mess up and almost drown. 

My head is underwater and I am kicking and screaming. But my Instructor, my Life-guard, my Rescue, is right by me. Patiently so.