In expectancy of my wheeled baby

Restraining myself from hoping
doesn’t make the wait easier

How I get flashbacks of perusing you
and my dreams of you, I constantly relive

I never knew I’d grow so weak
I never knew I could be this desperate
for you

I try telling myself this is for the better,
that a good attitude while waiting
will make your arrival worthwhile
but my heart is not convinced

I constantly keep thinking of you
and then I ache
not knowing what to do
not knowing where to turn

The worst thing is
you ain’t even that big of a deal
because once you’re here
you could be gone very fast again
you could not be able to function for a while
and make me spend a lot of money and time

But my handicap is
that I’ve fallen in love with you
and can’t wait to have you
To be able to use,
look at and admire you


Yes, I got IT!

Machines roar, sometimes a siren wails.
Some are nervous, some are calm, but we’re all waiting. Waiting for our turn. Some look confident, some have brought a loved one and some even cuddle a little before hearing their name.
A police officer comes out of the office and calls a name. A guy replies and my attention is shifted away.
I got up late this morning. I was supposed to leave the house around 06.30, but got up at seven. Getting up at seven when you have to be somewhere at 08.00 after a one hour drive on one a main road to a capital city is not very wise. In fact it is dumb and ignorant. But what if you went to bed ‘early’ after a hard night, with a difficult moment at its end? And even laying in bed, can’t fall asleep right away? Anyways, alarms are there for a reason, but if you don’t hear them, it might be destiny.
I was late, but I showed up in time, honestly.

Well, I waited half an hour before the police officer came out, calling my name and then I heard what he must have told the other guy that answered; to go get my instructor.
There I went, before crossing the street, the half bald, fat, small headed, old man called out to me and said he was on his way. I turned back and stood there watching him drive the car to the front of the bureau. I also watched and studied other candidates drive away and saw myself doing the same route again and again, with flashes from the day before. The day before sucked, it sucked real bad, a lot. I had no idea what I was doing and that made me so scared. I hated myself a little. That made me pray that night, tell God that I was sorry to think I could do anything by myself, for not trusting Him with whatever result I would get. I was confused, didn’t know what to expect. Didn’t know what to expect from Him and where to put in my own effort.
But meanwhile, I sat down on the step, still studying the driveway. I was so afraid that I would repeat my first mistake or even make an uglier one.
Then the police officer came out, walking straight up to the car and asking the instructor where I was. I smiled, walked up to the front of the car and said ‘here I am’ and started inspecting the car. He got seated in the car, followed by me and asked me how I was doing. ‘I’m nervous’ I replied, and he continued speaking , then my instructor took over, introduced him, blabla. Honestly, since the last three lessons, I was dead nervous, but there was also a silent, subtle feeling of excitement, every time I saw the car driving up to the parking place, where I had to take over and drive. What was I so excited about? I guess I really wanted to learn to do this, learn to drive a car. Sometimes I felt so incompetent, sometimes I felt traumatized, because I didn’t always get it or do it right. But in the end, I have to say that God brought the circumstances together, wherein I could be calm and do it well.
I told no one I would do an exam to get my driving license today, because I was scared, so I could quietly move on after I was flunked out.
Last night I told God, in the bus driving home from classes, that my first thoughts are by far the best ones. I was under pressure to tell my sister about the exams of the hours that lay before me and the fear I was facing. But I said Lord, I will not do that, because, you know, my first thoughts are always the right ones and so I, after a ling while, could hold something in and not just let it fall out of my mouth, praise God for that. Yes, I have trouble controlling my words, thought, mind, but last night, I succeeded and even today I will.
After this, what now? I don’t know how long it will take before I actually have a car, and what I will do to/with my parent(s head) before they buy/co-buy me one or if I’ll have to get it by myself.
Anyways, this success hasn’t gotten me over certain things, in a whip, just like that, but I have another experience, another moment, another testimony. Though I feel and think it’s to bumpy, my portion to the wonder; my faith was to rocky. But God is good and yes I give Him the credit for this, because He made it happen.
I am grateful, so tomorrow I have to go the driving school and report my result and after that, wait a few weeks for my small blue diploma.

Now I’m wondering..should I surprise my family with the blue diploma (my license) or with the form I have just now to get my license?
I don’t think I’ll make them wait that long, but I don’t know yet and I don’t think they’ll read this.