Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two,  because I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.


Church and the sexes

I would like for women in general, but especially Christian women, to be more comfortable with their sexuality. Because it is a fact that we are being taught to be ashamed of our own bodies and our own nature. To say this in a politically correct manner, would sound like ‘those of us that think we look bomb and beat and are wonderful beings that have a right to sexuality are being called ‘vain, bitch, horny, etc’. 
This absolutely does not mean that we can all do whatever the heck we feel like, but how about we learn to deal with our emotions and our bodies in a healthy way and get encouraged to do so. In stead of making fun of young girls or women that engage in behavior that we are uncomfortable with or saying that ‘they have an issue down there’, teach them and show them that there is a safe and healthy way to develop.
Of course there will be people that will not agree with what is being taught, just as I do not agree with the way men and women, boys and girls are treated differently in church. But I believe there is so much that needs to be changed about our perception of the sexes.
For example, if a little boy plays with his penis, he is likely to touch it a lot and show it off, parents beam with pride. But if a little girl as much as tries to walk around without panties or even gets her hands close to her vagina for anything else than washing it or taking her panties off  for whatever functional reason, we get uncomfortable. Why is that?
I have a serious problem with this. I am not sure why. But I think there is something to fix. What I am saying is, that girls need to learn and be encouraged just as boys to be comfortable with their bodies and reproductive body parts. So they will know what is what, what is where and then know how to protect themselves against predators, disease and what not. But also be proud of who they are. I don’t have it all figured out, but I know, again, stuff need to be fixed.
It is a pity that (young) people don’t believe they can be safe with their feelings in church, not necessarily because there are rules, but also because they do not believe that whatever they are feeling and going through is perfectly normal and can be dealt with.
As teenagers experience emotions as a tenfold of what older people/adolescents feel, it can be hard to figure stuff out. Parents and other caretakers are so uneasy about this subject and even about the ‘smallest’ things about life.
Example: The pastor makes an altar call. Sandra, Jessica, Leo and Harvy respond and go for prayer. As an usher watches them walk down the aisle, she stands ready with a clothe. Sandra reaches the ‘altar’ and lifts her hands in repentance and surrender, the tip of the back of her blouse lifts and you see a bit more of her butt. The usher rushes to her and covers her up. Leo is wearing skinny jeans and a shirt that also lift when he lifts up his hands. Nobody rushes to him. Jessica falls on her back during prayer. She hasn’t as much as touched the ground and is already covered up. Leo also falls on his back and lies there with his belly half exposed. But is only covered up after about a minute. No one was watching for him.
Now, this sounds somewhat petty, but I have seen it time and time again. Why not ‘protect’ the guy too? My loved ones say that women need to be more careful than men and should not sleep around, because they carry babies and they ‘pass stuff through’. But, don’t disease and spiritual conditions go from sperm to egg to child? Why are men not held responsible for the well being of children when they even as women have a major role in the lives of children. If a man has mental and spiritual issues, that will influence a child as much as a mother’s troubles would. Of course the impact would be on different ‘levels’, but nevertheless, the impact will be there.
Single motherhood is as broken as single fatherhood. Both man and women have their own influence on children and they are both crucial. Period. No, growing up with a mom is better than growing up with a dad alone, because mothers are natural caretakers and nurturers…that is not true. The term you would be looking for is ‘responsibility’. Yes, mothers have a natural sense for a lot of things that fathers would overlook. But guess what, fathers have a natural sense for a lot of things mothers would overlook to and even not be able to provide.
I do not believe that God made women as inferior beings or that God sent women with features that are more or less valuable then men’s. I think God wants us to be comfortable in our bodies in a healthy way. Biblical does not mean prude. Holy does not mean white washed, but rather unapologetic.
That was some rant. But seriously, church, we have to do something. Because being a woman or being a man equips you in a certain way in life, in Gods kingdom. And for us, women to put ourselves away or think we are better than men, can be considered as a complete waste. Both sexes have their blessings and it is up to us to make the most of everything we are.!

What breaks my heart is that I wonder if this world really is the place I want to bring children into.
Having a family is a wonderful, tiring but wonderful experience I hope to go through one day. But when I look around me, it seems that the desire to have a family alone is not enough. I am discouraged by deaths that don’t make sense, murders, divorces, disease, mental states that people can get in. And I wonder ‘is it all worth it’, do I even have time for all that? Most of the time my thinking is that it will happen when it happens, but at times I wonder if I not better just steer away from it all.

I see people my age and younger getting into relationships and starting families as if it is no big deal. For example a couple that does not know what faith to bring their child up in. Although that doesn’t have to be a problem, you can save yourself so much agony by talking about stuff before getting involved.

Anyway, I think that that is just life ain’t it?

Hand left Empty

I want to write about it, because I want to process it and somehow make it better.
But where does one start? How can I make anything no one has any influence on better.
I am sensitive about babies and embryos, especially those at risk and moreover, those that we loose.

A few months ago a friend miscarried at a very early stage of her pregnancy. I found it hurtful, but now, she has lost another child. One of the worst things I think she had to go through is the unprofessional way her doctor treats her. He is completely not compassionate.

The other thing is, she might have had twins, of which one was lost early and the other continued living. The doctor didn’t see this baby until recently.

Now, I’m not trying to depict a horror story here, but I just don’t know how to handle this. It’s the first time in a crisis that I don’t really know what to say. Maybe I don’t have to say anything. A time when I only want to cry when I remember her hurt and feel the nasty chill all over my body.

Knowing there are people that willingly ‘release’ their conceptions isn’t a happy thought for me. But also knowing that sometimes something goes wrong and someone who might have been afraid of having children all that time, but changed once they found out they are carrying, just looses what is so precious, just confuses me. I am not angry with God, but I’m left perplexed and wonder how and when and where comfort will be given and received. I know my only influence in this can be to be a shoulder, lend an ear, shed a tear and/or give a hand to squeeze and pray for the Almighty to do the unthinkable and the unexpected.

It is me holding my heart for when it’s my turn. So many things can go wrong. I get scared, I get confused and I question God. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with doing so, as long as I stay open for His love.

Lately I have been dwelling on the idea of getting pursued and wooed and married and having a family. Events like these make my mind wander in ‘what would I do’. Well, ‘what would Jesus do’ would be more helpful. I choose not to beat myself up with things I can’t control, so this fear I am having is being let go.

But, as for this friend, I am praying her health and sexual reproduction system gets restored. It is never our Fathers’ goal to make us suffer. I pray that whatever it is, will get better and that she’ll find peace in our Prince of Peace.

And so here a warm embrace for those precious lives that our hands didn’t get to hold.

Faith is Growth

A few minutes ago, my head was full of them. But now all the words have gone hiding. Standing behind the trees that are worry, memories, concerns, tasks etc. 

This morning I read a blog post of a lady who learned that her daughter will be born with multiple complications and by God’s grace, she got to decide, together with her husband and family to become larger than the pain. I fear for what may happen to my children in my womb when I am ‘there’. I dream of having a family one day, happily not obsessed, but in my spirit I just know that it is something very precious to have and to be in. I am scared about weather or not I will carry healthy children. My mother had two stillborn baby’s after me. I know that doesn’t have to be the case with me, but still. I am learning to trust God about this. 

Being the person that I am, I know that whatever comes my way I will throw myself upon making the best of it. But when it comes to children that I’d bear, I am afraid. I want them to be completely healthy and sound. I know I can trust that God wants the best for me and will give me a complete healthy keen. But I know that God’s will is perfect and He might allow anything in my life. It only depends on how I choose to take it. Sigh. I am not sorry for all mothers who have had baby’s in ways they didn’t expect or rather would not. I am rather sorry for those who haven’t felt Gods love and grace in such a way that they can enjoy every bit of imperfectness. Thus said, I should apologize to myself, for my fear and insecurity. 

God is everywhere. I can choose to see Him as He is or to give into my limited sight, blocked by fear. 

As for the words that left, they came into appearance, one by one, step by step and gradually as short floods. They made this post. This is also something to see God in, that I can gradually appear to Him. Phase by phase learning to trust Him, step by step, growing in faith.