Love was guaranteed
Love had guaranteed to mend
the wounds in the wall
the fists that were pounded open
would be rebuilt
blood would creep back
and fill the cracks
breaths would be taken
and shoulders would relax
Love was guaranteed
never stood a chance
My days feel like charts on a board of the Creator.
They are never the same in a row.
I believe that I may have a set of three to five different days in a week.
When I say day, I mean the way they feel to me.
I don’t think I have a disease or syndrome, but when I read about people with syndromes, I understand this better.
There are ‘feathery’ days, ‘I’m angry, don’t touch me’ days, ‘everything will work out fine’ days and maybe some more that I haven’t quite figured out yet. I may have ‘feathery’ today, ‘leave me alone’ tomorrow and then maybe something ‘normal’ (what is normal) and the day after ‘normal’ I get ‘all will be fines’. I also have days when I feel so distant from the ‘now’, as if my soul is trying to plunge into the future. On those days, my mind’s eye is in distant places that are both physical and non- physical. Then I feel like I am seeking shelter from I’m not sure what. Shelter and I guess assurance. These days might start out looking like feathery days, but last longer and feel a little bit different. Some ‘distance’ days, I have a lot of art on my mind. In a previous blog post I mentioned museums and travel, I see myself dancing (ballet or something contemporary), painting and feel like writing. Maybe those are the days my soul seeks (taking) flight.
The name ‘feathery’ comes from the way the clouds look on such days. The sun will shine from a blue sky and there will be a few little white clouds. On those days, my outlook to the world is positive and my mindset is ‘I can do this’. But it also feels as if I am in this big bubble and I slightly fear it might break.
‘I’m angry, don’t touch me’ occurs at the moment I wake up. I may or may not be in a stressful situation. On those days I am extra unfriendly, don’t feel like talking to anyone and just feel as if I’m alone on my planet and have to handle stuff myself. Anyone that tries to approach me is a threat.
‘Everything will work out fine’s’ are when I am generally positive. I may be i a stressful situation, but have the power to focus on positive things. I feel quite careless and have extra positivity to brighten up other people’s days. Then I am most likely to smile to strangers and laugh off people and stuff that would normally irritate me.
The thing about these days is that, only people I care a lot about can break through and bring me back to ‘okay, you’re human’. These days generally feel this way up until around noon. By then I will mostly have engaged into work or been ‘neutralized’ by a friend or mostly my sister.
On ‘leave me alone’ I restrain myself from contact on social media, because I am very irritable and have a negative mindset. And believe me, for the Christians out there that might point out that ‘quiet time’ will change this. I have tried and it doesn’t necessarily do so.
I used to worry and wonder whether I was ill. I wanted to grow up and be just one constant way, but I have found out that straight lines can be very boring. I prefer beautiful chaos and colorful disorder.
I don’t trouble myself too much about these occurrences anymore, because I believe I am a person in development. I might remain this way or I might grow out of it. Most importantly, I love myself in every way. Not because I don’t need to become better at being myself, but because that is the foundation of true love.
I understand that the Creator loves me, so why would I leave loving myself to others? Why would you?
‘The self’ is something everyone has to get to know and try to understand for (inner) peace.
I would love to hear or read about other people going through these motions. Are there actually people out there that feel the same everyday?
Give me your hands
I’ll lift them up
They won’t break
from then on
you won’t shake
Give me your hands
I’ll open them
I’ll show the world
all that I entrusted
to you and that
You are my favored
run my fingers
through the palms
of them and feel
I’ve been here
and am given total
Can you feel that
for my touch
their running over
with thick oil
Give me your hands
show me you surrender
To my perfect plan
my overtaking smile
take you to the worlds
Your shoulders long to
line horizons with
Your leg wants to
feel oceans with
Your eyes want to
under the sun and
your skin wants to
feel the rain in
Let me lead you to this
In my secret chambers
where everyone can see
This is love for you
and for me
You will get rest.
I would like you to take me away
Dancing up in a running
Take me away
flying into a sunny day
Grey skies keep me grounded
soleil makes me want to surrender
so, no matter the weather
You get to take me away
nothing will make me stay
I know You’re here. Filling my eyes with tears. Holding me in Your embrace.
I know You’re here.
Pulling on my wings, my legs and arms. Urging me to fly higher, to dance more free than I used to be. I know You’re here.
Inviting me in. Into this dance of life with you, making sure that at the end I’ll be at Your table to drink the wine and brake the bread…soaked in mercy and free. Like You made me to be. I know You are here.
Oh yes, my eyes can see and my limbs can tell. The way You are lifting up my head to fully enjoy, see You, scent the beauty of heaven and feel fine sunshine on my skin.
You are here, taking me in.
The cold creeps up my legs
I set them one before another
Wandering further in the night
The morning is still a few hours away
But I swear I can hear the first dew drops dissapear
This isn’t the first night that I walk like this
And there are countless more to come
I feel the stories that I’ve been told mumbling up my lips
A poem about my identity rise up inside of me
I wave it off with a tougth of a wonderful office and cute notebook and sharp pencil to write it in
The soul of my ancestors dance in my mind
Sing a song in my spirit
My hoody keeps the cold wind outside
And gets me closer to comfort
The music in my head sighs under the sound in my ear
Leaving the word of the recording artist somewhere in my heals
In the steps I take into taking over the night
Streetlights in my back cast me further into the dark
Barking dogs hold my hand on my bag
My breath peaks over my lungs and escapes my lips or nostrils now and then
The shadows of the palmtrees and the contoures of my nest drive me to relief
The door creaks as I step inside
The dark is still out there
My heart leaps at the sight of comfort:
A sofa, pencil and cuaderno waiting for my rusttled excitement and the threads of my ancestors, the storytellers that dance in my veins
There it is today,
that feeling that all is well. That one thing or two went well and everything else is going to be fine. That there are no more worries.
That I succeeded, that I matter to myself, that I am and my life is great, that I can do anything. A sense of belonging, existing, being. I like it.
But, the bad thing is that it is a temporary thing. Tommorrow or the day after, maybe even tonight, I might loose it.
More than half the time, I feel lost, swifting, wavering between who I am, who I want to be, who I used to be and who I am meant to be, my full potential (in Gods eyes).
Where does this feeling come from, you might wonder.
I am in a balletclass for beginning young adults and adults and yesterday I had a test.
We all got two to three weeks to do a choreography of two minutes.
I stressed over it because I doubted myself and the One who did give me the talent to dance. I know, that’s terrible.
It is the absolute first time I choreographed a dance and praise God that it was just two minutes!
The stressing had a good part, it actually means that I care about that talent and take the classes seriously. But it also means that I didn’t trust God enough, because every christian dancer, or better said, every dancer in a relationship with God, should rely on the lead of the Holy Spirit for anything, so in this case a choreography.
And guess what? I made my teacher smile and even laugh a little. I think I surprised her. That was very cool. So, I thank God for the one three months I spent taking Jazz -ballet classes in church and Sharmalee Kasanpawiro has been a wonderful teacher.
I have had an unpleasant break in my dans-worship career and it was ground-breaking for even more doubt and insecurity in my life, but heeey, God is good.
I feel re-confirmed as a dancer. I could walk around shining bright all day.
So, dances and choreographies will come and go, it is my job to maintain the joy and the security this brought in my life.
This post is also the first in a new category of blog posts, called ‘Friday NIghts’.
Friday Nights are important till now, because those are the nights I take dans lessons and mostly hang out.
I will also write about friendships in my life in this blog.
I feel very tempted to write more, but till next post.