Not so careery careerwoman

Long before I started working at 19 years old, I saw myself as a career woman. I wanted the uber busy life of work, work, work, just about enough time for pleasure and lots of succes. I have worked for it and tried..for a while. After that I got a bit confused about my own possibilities, desires and about how this world works. I thaught myself to not be naive and remain ready for every challenge. Soon enough my first job became boring. I lacked motivation and felt like there wasn’t one drop of challenge left in what I was doing. I wanted more but also could not live up to the requirements. 

It didn’t take long before the first supposedly blow struck at my second job. I never wanted to be the woman or the girl that stays at home, does all the chores, cooks and cleans, goes to the grocery store, watches tv or surfs the internet, blogs a little and so on. But something happened as my days at my first job were coming to an end. Maybe it is because I had spent so much time away from home that I really started to desire to stay home. Now I am also leaving my second job. It is a small mess that I don’t really want to talk about. The desire to be the stay at home girl seems to become stronger by the day. I don’t know how to get it out from under my skin. I still want a career and to be busy. But rather being busy with accomplishing things for people in need and things like that. Or maybe this is an invitation into what my future could look like? I don’t know. Feelings can be fleeting. But this one has been with me for over three years now. 

I am absolutely curious about what will happen in my life in the near future. As I am so sure that Christ has begun a work that He will absolutely finish. But I am so afrais that I dream too much, fear too much and don’t get up and step into the path that I am being shown so mercifully. I cannot wait for the new things, but actually I have to because I don’t think I am ready. I almost feel like I have no reason to believe I can do it. But that, ofcourse, is a lie. 

As a new year awaits me and the universe I brace myself, taking a deep breath to leap. In faith. 

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Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two, ┬ábecause I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.

In expectancy of my wheeled baby

Restraining myself from hoping
doesn’t make the wait easier

How I get flashbacks of perusing you
and my dreams of you, I constantly relive

I never knew I’d grow so weak
I never knew I could be this desperate
for you

I try telling myself this is for the better,
that a good attitude while waiting
will make your arrival worthwhile
but my heart is not convinced

I constantly keep thinking of you
and then I ache
not knowing what to do
not knowing where to turn

The worst thing is
you ain’t even that big of a deal
because once you’re here
you could be gone very fast again
you could not be able to function for a while
and make me spend a lot of money and time

But my handicap is
that I’ve fallen in love with you
and can’t wait to have you
To be able to use,
look at and admire you

Aside

awakened beauty

Installed on the chaise with a flower in my hair, a red hibiscus ­čî║ it was, I proceeded the drawing by a dream was etched in my soul. Too many mornings I woke up in cool sweat, remembering the events I endured hours before in my sub conscience. Too many days I have spent, hovering over the kitchen table and catching my breath over hasty breakfasts that never did spool away the visions.
I sat down and transitioned by my hands the mark in sleeping hours got etched in my soul.
A sleeping beauty, suddenly awakening, leaving her tower and even the palace behind her. To live an anonymous life near the edge of the woods her kingdom frightened, sheltering lost wolves, knights in gloomy armor and even damsels that wandered off.
But in her night stand she keeps a chisel, only to wait for the next fifteen years, when her sleep should be over and her kingdom awake and rise into power, only to bring back the sweet silence she was so accustomed to.

Aside

Behind the chambers of my heart I hide and lock away all the moves we make and all the words we say. Every gasp, every sigh, every frown, every smile. As if it were so sweet, as if it were all good. Yes, this brave new world I am living in makes me smile and enrages me at the same time, makes me move and slows me down at the same time.

I’m calling on the sun to dedicate a ray, even a slight glimpse on this shadow that is stealing my heart away and making my joy run astray. Where can I find words to set myself free, how can I move my limbs to settle the unrest in me. I will say it again, feeling abandoned and freed altogether. I leave you alone and you turn away from me. All the while this realm is beaming, breeding breed of our sweat, relieving the the secrets we left unsaid.

We remain solely

Pieces of us clash into one another and catch fire, burning away what is left unsaid, blessing our nostrils with the stench of crushed roses with honeybees.

I pull myself together, but every time two of my many pieces meet, it stings, sending my flesh off in a million more frenzies. I find myself looting the future of our happy memories, it seems I don’t have what it takes to take today with a smile. My beautiful smile you used to like so much.

I can’t wait for you until I am perfect, the day is dawning and night is leaving with every peace of mercy there was left for me. They say that sorrow lasts in the night, but turns into joy with the mornings. I have yet to turn my tides around.

Our pieces, remnants of the never ending us fly off together in flames. Clearing the path for you without me and me apart from you.

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Today

You is beautiful. I have to write something about you today. I’ve got to tell you that I want to embrace you. Even though I might have wanted to start off differently with you. Even though I’d want to head back where we met and do it otherwise.
For, once again, you are full of magic and my whimsical thoughts are grounded and swimming in and out of you. It’s so good to behold you.
Later, when you have passed and are long gone, I will smile about you. About who you are and who you have been.
In you I can hold and could have held so many things. So many wonderful things. Things I got at and right before your birth and everything you are helping me hold right now.

You are beautiful, I just had to tell you.

Today, you’re beautiful.