Not by emotions, nor convictions

This morning I woke up feeling renewed, refreshed. I have just come out of a bit of an unpleasant period and it feels as if today was the first day of a period of ‘clearance’. I was going through an unpleasant time because I did not use my time and energy effectively. I also think that my body is getting into a new rhythm that I am not used to yet. It also might have something to do with my strong mental focus on changes that will happen in my life within a few months.

I also feel a little bit lighter. I had expectations that were not met. That upset me and frustrated me. I have helped myself to let that go. I say ‘helped myself’ because I already have the strength to do all I need to do. But sometimes we hold ourselves back by our expectations and in this case I was no different. Although it will take some time before I am totally free of expectations and ideals, it is all okay. I will be fine.

I have to realize that it is not by might, nor by power, nor by my emotions and my convictions, but by the spirit of God that I will grow.

 

 

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Sun dim

So
What if I decide to run and never turn back.
What if I take a run for the woods into the dark unknown to anywhere except any longer here.
Another what, but what would you do. If I decided I no longer can stay here.
That I no longer want any part of the bestest of bests I know you have for me, just because I can’t. I can’t any longer wait for my perfection. Wait for the next urge to want to become better.
A grinning smile and syrup like sweat on my dreading face. If I decide to turn away.
What do you know, what would I want. If I would run. Away. From you.
I would be done, even if I’m wrong. What, would you be looking for me.

I plead you let me go and keep me thinking I’m better off. Keep me thinking I can’t. Can’t never ever become. The strengthened ballerina you have whirling in my head. I’d run like an athlete. Away into my retreat. Away from you and haunted. Would you be waiting at the other end. In disguise, keep your mask on until I am too weak to move on again. Make me realize you are the circle I’ve been running in. That all realms are just circles and cycles and wherever I go I can’t go hiding from your stubborn-love embrace. And if I choose to keep myself going in circles, frightened and scared. How long before you release me into my own demise. And when that’s been, will you take me in? Will my demise be another step into your fiery-loving gaze.
A grinning smile and syrup like sweat on my dreading face, opening my eyes just to realize. You’re the circle I’ve been running in. The sun dim.

Wherever I go

You wear me on Your hands, You wear me on Your heart

With me, everywhere I go

Nothing I’d even think that You don’t already know

But how come

You still loved me?

But how come

You still WANTED to die for me,

give me Your spirit, 

pour yourself out over me

But how come You are still here and want to remain

and want to dwell and want to reveal the best that is Yourself. 

I shot myself in the eye, didn’t want to see where You didn’t want me to look

Bit my own tongue, because I didn’t want speak what You wouldn’t want me to say

Rid myself of my feet, because the soil of the ground of the enemy was calling on me

Don’t know where I left my hands, they must have had other plans than to be lifted up to You and reaching out to the broken

I go places You already knew I would go

I walk mountains and valleys and depths of seas You knew I would pass 

But Your hands are still here

Your love remains around me

 

 

Faith is Growth

A few minutes ago, my head was full of them. But now all the words have gone hiding. Standing behind the trees that are worry, memories, concerns, tasks etc. 

This morning I read a blog post of a lady who learned that her daughter will be born with multiple complications and by God’s grace, she got to decide, together with her husband and family to become larger than the pain. I fear for what may happen to my children in my womb when I am ‘there’. I dream of having a family one day, happily not obsessed, but in my spirit I just know that it is something very precious to have and to be in. I am scared about weather or not I will carry healthy children. My mother had two stillborn baby’s after me. I know that doesn’t have to be the case with me, but still. I am learning to trust God about this. 

Being the person that I am, I know that whatever comes my way I will throw myself upon making the best of it. But when it comes to children that I’d bear, I am afraid. I want them to be completely healthy and sound. I know I can trust that God wants the best for me and will give me a complete healthy keen. But I know that God’s will is perfect and He might allow anything in my life. It only depends on how I choose to take it. Sigh. I am not sorry for all mothers who have had baby’s in ways they didn’t expect or rather would not. I am rather sorry for those who haven’t felt Gods love and grace in such a way that they can enjoy every bit of imperfectness. Thus said, I should apologize to myself, for my fear and insecurity. 

God is everywhere. I can choose to see Him as He is or to give into my limited sight, blocked by fear. 

As for the words that left, they came into appearance, one by one, step by step and gradually as short floods. They made this post. This is also something to see God in, that I can gradually appear to Him. Phase by phase learning to trust Him, step by step, growing in faith. 

Am I stupid?

I think so sometimes.

I once told a friend, who I liked so much, that I am really curiuos about what she and I would have a fight on or disagree about. At that time we were such good friends, had no secrets (pretend) and nothing could part us.
Well, nowadays, we’re not best friends anymore. I discovered that though we shared common interests and agreed about a lot, we faked a lot. I was going to say she faked, but the truth is that we both lied to eachother. I learned I couldn’t take her word, because she was someone else behind my back. I wonder wehther or not she really meant everything she ever said, whether or not she appreciated our friendship.
We met in church, but I don’t see her no more, I even wonder if she ever really loved Jesus Christ. Loving Jesus Christ is difficult when we do it within our own strength (emotional/circumstantial). I struggle with the question whether or not I do love Christ sometimes, because I know that love is not of the lips, but should direct our deeds, our whole being, but with me that’s not always (mostly not) the case. Most of the time I really only do what I want, because that is the easiest and to me it means that I am being myself.
But the ultimate way to communicate our love to Christ is self-sacrifice.
Not by getting a weapon and commit suicide or getting in the frontline of a battle so we can get killed quickly, but by laying down our will, to His sovereign will.
I have often wondered, after that friend and I lost touch, wheter or not my words to her caused that break/split-up. And accuse myself of stupidity.

Lately I am being consumed by compassion, meaning that I really feel like doing ‘something’, getting ‘out there’ and have an impact on communities, in the fight against this and that. Though I know I can start small and then move on slowly to bigger and bigger things, that idea just doens’t seem to find root in me.
It’s difficult for me to know that there are people in Haiti, Africa and Asia suffering and in need, wanting to do something, but still feel so unable. I believe that is just an idea, but again, I can’t easily put it aside. It’s difficult to read about people that do go out there and do and mean something, while I am here, at a quite comfortable job, living with my parents, have daily necessity’s and desires. I want more.
I want to pack my bags, leave my job and start showing love, showing care, sharing Gods heart with those in need.
But, there are quite a few obstacles, first, I am not sure this is what God wants for/from me right now. Secondly, I want a car, 24 hours accesable internet, more money and more gadgets, and more root in Christ. I don’t believe I can mean anything to anyone without 1. being rooted in Christ myself, 2. while still depending on others for transport and such.
And then I think to myself: am I stupid to want this?
One other thing, I am to scared to reach out to those very close to me to show, give and share all I want to give to others I don’t know and don’t know me.
I think I am being stupid by not reaching out, I think I am being stupid by not rooting myself deeper in Christ.
It is easy to say that I depend on Him for everything, but He gave me a spirit of strength, love and a sound mind.
I still get myself into a lot of things that only get me wired and calling for help. And while calling for help, I try to find a way to tell myself and Him that I can do it, that I don’t need Him, how stupid.
So, I might be really stupid.