I think so sometimes.
I once told a friend, who I liked so much, that I am really curiuos about what she and I would have a fight on or disagree about. At that time we were such good friends, had no secrets (pretend) and nothing could part us.
Well, nowadays, we’re not best friends anymore. I discovered that though we shared common interests and agreed about a lot, we faked a lot. I was going to say she faked, but the truth is that we both lied to eachother. I learned I couldn’t take her word, because she was someone else behind my back. I wonder wehther or not she really meant everything she ever said, whether or not she appreciated our friendship.
We met in church, but I don’t see her no more, I even wonder if she ever really loved Jesus Christ. Loving Jesus Christ is difficult when we do it within our own strength (emotional/circumstantial). I struggle with the question whether or not I do love Christ sometimes, because I know that love is not of the lips, but should direct our deeds, our whole being, but with me that’s not always (mostly not) the case. Most of the time I really only do what I want, because that is the easiest and to me it means that I am being myself.
But the ultimate way to communicate our love to Christ is self-sacrifice.
Not by getting a weapon and commit suicide or getting in the frontline of a battle so we can get killed quickly, but by laying down our will, to His sovereign will.
I have often wondered, after that friend and I lost touch, wheter or not my words to her caused that break/split-up. And accuse myself of stupidity.
Lately I am being consumed by compassion, meaning that I really feel like doing ‘something’, getting ‘out there’ and have an impact on communities, in the fight against this and that. Though I know I can start small and then move on slowly to bigger and bigger things, that idea just doens’t seem to find root in me.
It’s difficult for me to know that there are people in Haiti, Africa and Asia suffering and in need, wanting to do something, but still feel so unable. I believe that is just an idea, but again, I can’t easily put it aside. It’s difficult to read about people that do go out there and do and mean something, while I am here, at a quite comfortable job, living with my parents, have daily necessity’s and desires. I want more.
I want to pack my bags, leave my job and start showing love, showing care, sharing Gods heart with those in need.
But, there are quite a few obstacles, first, I am not sure this is what God wants for/from me right now. Secondly, I want a car, 24 hours accesable internet, more money and more gadgets, and more root in Christ. I don’t believe I can mean anything to anyone without 1. being rooted in Christ myself, 2. while still depending on others for transport and such.
And then I think to myself: am I stupid to want this?
One other thing, I am to scared to reach out to those very close to me to show, give and share all I want to give to others I don’t know and don’t know me.
I think I am being stupid by not reaching out, I think I am being stupid by not rooting myself deeper in Christ.
It is easy to say that I depend on Him for everything, but He gave me a spirit of strength, love and a sound mind.
I still get myself into a lot of things that only get me wired and calling for help. And while calling for help, I try to find a way to tell myself and Him that I can do it, that I don’t need Him, how stupid.
So, I might be really stupid.