I am standing at the poolside, frozen, looking up at the instructor motivating me to come in and that it will be okay. Of corse it will. But I won’t. I will mess up. I will fail. I am too afraid.
Ever since I had landed myself a job, did tons of flawess interviews for a local news channel and especially managed to get a loan for my first car, I believed I was brave. I needed nothing and no one, I could tell myself to do anything and so I would.
Until I came to realize I was bitterly failing. The One and the things that matter most were put off, pushed to the back of my head as mere shadows of something I would now and then touch, but mostly keep bravely away from. I realized that I do want God, life, love, true friendships and meaningful relationships. That all the projects I could do would not matter if I was to do them alone.
So I sigh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. Only to come back up after a few seconds, gasping for breath. I did mess up. I am too scared. I have not learned to breathe underwather and I am afraid my lungs will burst. But the instructor is saying these reassuring things and I really want to learn how to swim because I really, really love water. So I go back in. Repeat it all, all over again.
I am living in the unknown. Aren’t we all? I mean, we never know what might happen next. But many of us have faith that our tomorrow is safe and good, because we believe what God says. Just like the instructor, He keeps reassuring us and even gets down in the water, fully clothed to let us see. So we dive in to resurface back again because we don’t know how to breathe.
Life has gotten me in a place where I don’t like to be. I saw it coming and thought I was prepared. Turns out, I’m not. It isn’t so much the events that have depressed me. But it is the fear. Actress Keke Palmer repeats so many great people when she says that fear is a choice. Fear is what I chose when I thought I had no choice. To some people (I mean an uber select few) I might be an open book, but in my head I am extremement private. Talking about my fears and hopes is a no-no. I might even write them down and publish them for the whole world to see but I promise that I will never sit down and discuss them especially with those that I love (and love me back). So in my mind I was stuck. And no one is ever really stuck. When you feel stuck, you are actually spiralling down. And that is exactly were I was going; down. But thankfully a friend reached out and although nothing was discussed, I found the courage to redirect back to the light!
As I am emerging from the shadows of my lonely-made mind, I am not alone. I am holding a hand that is pulling me through. God is pulling me through. But I am more afraid than anything else because this is so new and this is so surprising. Most of the time I am holding my breath when I catch a glimpse of where He is taking me. Some are everything I always wanted and others are completely new. I try not to make eye contact and look straight ahead so I don’t get distracted. But eventually I do look away. That’s when I hold my breath and feel the urge to run away. It’s on those days when I spend hours awake in bed, dreading to open the blinds and get out. “What is so cool about going outside?” It’s on those days I am a couch potato because the tv takes me worlds away and I can ignore my shortage of oxygen intake. It is when I don’t open my bible or my song practice apps, because I am afraid my lungs will burst.
John Legend found Chrissy Teigen and with her his head is underwater and he is breathing fine. I’d be laying on the poolside, flat on my back in the midst of reanimation proces. Just kidding. John and Chrissy didn’t just land there. It must have taken them a while. A while of reassuring, plunging, near-drowning and eventually trust. Trust that he wouldn’t stop even when he did mess up and almost drown.
My head is underwater and I am kicking and screaming. But my Instructor, my Life-guard, my Rescue, is right by me. Patiently so.