God, my swim- instructor 

I am standing at the poolside, frozen, looking up at the instructor motivating me to come in and that it will be okay. Of corse it will. But I won’t. I will mess up. I will fail. I am too afraid. 

Afraid. 

Ever since I had landed myself a job, did tons of flawess interviews for a local news channel and especially managed to get a loan for my first car, I believed I was brave. I needed nothing and no one, I could tell myself to do anything and so I would. 

Until I came to realize I was bitterly failing. The One and the things that matter most were put off, pushed to the back of my head as mere shadows of something I would now and then touch, but mostly keep bravely away from. I realized that I do want God, life, love, true friendships and meaningful relationships. That all the projects I could do would not matter if I was to do them alone. 

So I sigh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. Only to come back up after a few seconds, gasping for breath. I did mess up. I am too scared. I have not learned to breathe underwather and I am afraid my lungs will burst. But the instructor is saying these reassuring things and I really want to learn how to swim because I really, really love water. So I go back in. Repeat it all, all over again. 

I am living in the unknown. Aren’t we all? I mean, we never know what might happen next. But many of us have faith that our tomorrow is safe and good, because we believe what God says. Just like the instructor, He keeps reassuring us and even gets down in the water, fully clothed to let us see. So we dive in to resurface back again because we don’t know how to breathe. 

Life has gotten me in a place where I don’t like to be. I saw it coming and thought I was prepared. Turns out, I’m not. It isn’t so much the events that have depressed me. But it is the fear. Actress Keke Palmer repeats so many great people when she says that fear is a choice. Fear is what I chose when I thought I had no choice. To some people (I mean an uber select few) I might be an open book, but in my head I am extremement private. Talking about my fears and hopes is a no-no. I might even write them down and publish them for the whole world to see but I promise that I will never sit down and discuss them especially with those that I love (and love me back). So in my mind I was stuck. And no one is ever really stuck. When you feel stuck, you are actually spiralling down. And that is exactly were I was going; down. But thankfully a friend reached out and although nothing was discussed, I found the courage to redirect back to the light! 

As I am emerging from the shadows of my lonely-made mind, I am not alone. I am holding a hand that is pulling me through. God is pulling me through. But I am more afraid than anything else because this is so new and this is so surprising. Most of the time I am holding my breath when I catch a glimpse of where He is taking me. Some are everything I always wanted and others are completely new. I try not to make eye contact and look straight ahead so I don’t get distracted. But eventually I do look away. That’s when I hold my breath and feel the urge to run away. It’s on those days when I spend hours awake in bed, dreading to open the blinds and get out. “What is so cool about going outside?” It’s on those days I am a couch potato because the tv takes me worlds away and I can ignore my shortage of oxygen intake. It is when I don’t open my bible or my song practice apps, because I am afraid my lungs will burst. 

John Legend found Chrissy Teigen and with her his head is underwater and he is breathing fine. I’d be laying on the poolside, flat on my back in the midst of reanimation proces. Just kidding. John and Chrissy didn’t just land there. It must have taken them a while. A while of reassuring, plunging, near-drowning and eventually trust. Trust that he wouldn’t stop even when he did mess up and almost drown. 

My head is underwater and I am kicking and screaming. But my Instructor, my Life-guard, my Rescue, is right by me. Patiently so. 

Questions

Are we going to die? Are we all going to die? But I’m scared. What if non of this ends when we do. What if it all starts over again. What will we do. Can we actually do something. Where will we go? Who will be stronger? Will it be our will or our circumstances. I don’t want to die. At least, I want my will to prevail. I want to be able to make sure that we’re all okay. That no one will fear us. That nothing will scare us. That we won’t be oppressed and won’t allow intimidation. What will become of us….The little boy’s plea died with him. One second before he could get another word out. The world ended with him. As for the afterworld…what do you think. Did he make it? Have you seen him around? 

Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two, ¬†because I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.

I hope

I hoped it was love
Every time your spirit
Payed my eyes a visit

I hoped it was love
Everytime I saw you
In my dreams

I hope it is love
When your mother
Smiles
At me in my dreams

I hope it is love
When I cannot breath
As my mind ignores
My senses
And dwells of
To behold you

I hope it is love
All these sleepless nights
This restlesness
This hope
This fear

I hope it is love
Taking me back
All the way back
When time froze you
In front of me

I hope it is love
That brings you back to me
That brings me back to you

A lump of hope

Sometimes we’re left

with a lump of hope

on our hearts

And it is all

we have

All we get to put in

All we pull our smiles from

and everything we live for

Sometimes we’re left

with a lump of hope

on our hearts

making it hard to swallow

all the portions

of bitterness

making it hard to chew down

all portions of fear

we get thrown down

our breath

Sometimes

a lump of hope

is all we’ve got

The bruised

Some are truly free
Others are not necesarily bound
But bruised

The truly free
Love and live sincerely
Have no reserve
And give their heart
In full honesty

The bound
Merely exist
Either give
More than they can
Or just take all that they can

The bruised
Try to live
and love fiercely
And maintain a balance
They can never achieve
The heart tries to breath
But the cracks leak
And the pain
Makes them withdraw

And they generally do not know
They are not truly free
And will maybe never be
The heart is kept in a clutch
And the conditions to open and present
Are always ones own

And I wait for you to go hide
underneath the tones
I never dare sing

So I will know
you are safe,
somewhere I can admire you
But never,
not ever consume

So I can keep you
afraid I’d waste you
and not be able
to redeem you
to the old glorious
idea I have
of you