Friendships Reloaded

These days I feel a new sense of warmth and love about me. I feel safe, I feel kept and although I can find things in my life to be shaky about, I feel secured. The bible does say to live by faith and not by sight and I also add feelings. Sometimes you have to really learn to find and activate that faith and some days it is just there. At least, that is how it is in my life. I don’t have one on one convo’s with God all the time, not that I know of, so my walk with Him is one I am still figuring out.

The crazy thing is that I have never been one to have a lot of friends. In childhood I actually had only two girls I really saw as friends. We were very close. Where everybody had a pack of friends, I used to hang with just one closely and frequently. As I got older I realized that I am more of a quality than quantity person.

A few years ago I had an unpleasant experience with a friend I held very close to my heart. I no longer pursued that friendship because it no longer aligned with my values in a friendship. So I just grew tired and dropped everything. Our lives were already going in different directions, so I let nature take it’s course. Sometimes I miss her, but I realize she and I have both grown and we might no longer be who we were at the time.

These days I find, more so recognize, that God is doing a new thing in my life with friendships. I already expressed that I am a ‘small circle’ girl. So I did not really want new friendships and relationships. But some girls I’ve just met and I knew that we would have ‘stuff’ together. There is one in particular that I just really love and I don’t know why. I mean,  I love all my friends, but it is just weird that her personality really captures me. I find that God is restoring my idea of relationships. I may come across as anti-social to some people, but I just don’t need inefficiency. Even with friendships. The people you keep around you and allow to speak into your life really influence you in tremendous ways. My longest lasting friendship is with a girl that I just know will be my friend forever. Some things I just know.

You may have noticed that I keep talking about girls. That is because I don’t really have my own male-friends. There is just one, but we don’t hang out or anything. We just know that we value and respect eachother and that is it. There is stuff I could talk to him about and he with me. But we just don’t need to hang out often. We meet around.

With this being said, I still don’t want to pursue new friendships and enlarge my circle of close and trustworthy friends. But I am open to healthy relationships with other people and more so, relationships were we can be of value to eachother, the kingdom of God and society.

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I can love without getting a big shot for it

I’m at it again.
This morning I saw a pregnant girl, all alone. I figured she came from the nearby hospital where pregnancies are controlled, checked an so forth. I immediately thought about my friend. That one friend I thought I had helped, supported and loved so much.

She got pregnant before marriage. Now, in today’s world, nothing seems to be wrong with that. But we go to church and for church folk, especially those that are just peasants and don’t have the covering hand of some leaders over their head…that is bad. But the worst thing is, I thought I knew her. Maybe she thought she knew herself too. Nevertheless, she was ‘lucky enough’ to have a loving boyfriend who is a thousand times more a man and a father than a lot of men and fathers I know. 

And there was me. I was the best friend, so I thought. That was my goal, being the best friend I could be and if the world would spit on her I would take a spitting too. I met her at doctor’s appointments, I could drive my brother’s car, so most of the time I could take her home. I thought I was bearing with her. She got mocked and laughed at and I took it all personally. She and I were one team of exemplary church girls, that didn’t sleep around, loved the Lord and attended church regularly. There were those girls that slept around and got pregnant after a few rounds. But we were not like that, oh no! Anyways, and then she explains to have gone ‘too far’ this one time and as everyone started hearing about the pregnancy, it didn’t matter how often she walked away from the heat, how exemplary we were or not. We or she became ‘one of them’, she had sex before marriage ‘too’. I was her friend and that made me look bad. But I didn’t care, she was my friend and I would stand for her.

Until. Date came that she was supposed to get married. She was worried about spending to much money with the baby coming, and not having enough money. My advise: ‘just ask a blessing, sign the papers and when you’re husband has a small fortune get the big bang and booze’. Advice not taken. The marriage got postponed a few times. I was supposed to be her maid of honor, but our appointments to go to the fitting didn’t work. I had work, she had her mom nagging about every little decision she needed to make, so one day I called her about the next appointment and she replied that she simply had me replaced. I was disappointed and because I was disappointed I was angry. I wanted to drop the whole wedding and friendship shit and move on with my life. (Sorry for my language, but those were my true feelings)

But I was worried about bitterness. I am quite a reflective person, so I was really in a struggle about having this friend treating me like trash and my reaction to that and on the other hand, me remaining loving and caring. It did not work at all. There are more things I got upset about, but the laundry is better off in the closet. This reminds me of C.S Lewis’ quote ‘You never know how terrible you are until you try very hard to be good’. I am not loving and caring towards a lot of people in my life, because I hate faking. Be mean to me, be a bitch, be a monster, but don’t pretend to like me if you don’t. Okay now, too much about me and my philosophies.

As a reflective person I wondered whether I was being fair to this person and to myself. As I already said, I didn’t want to be bitter. So I prayed and scuffed and rolled my eyes some more. I even took this thing down to an altar call. To those of you that don’t know what an altar call is, it’s when the pastor/preacher calls people that need prayer at the end of a sermon. So I told my pastor (who is loving and caring) that I had trouble loving someone I promised to love. And he gave me the example of the cross, that Christ willingly got crucified regardless of what my response to His crucifixion would be and even though He knew the Father would turn His back on Him there. In other words keep on loving.

‘Ugh’ I thought. I went back home, got the message, but it couldn’t sink in deep enough to influence my actions towards her and other people I am disappointed in. I think that anyone who can rise above disappointment (hurt) and still give their hearts are heroes. But I wasn’t willing to do that. It is not in my nature. I have seen myself change and becoming a better person after having prayed, but this time it just didn’t seem to work. But to get back upon the subject, today I asked myself ‘what if I really forgot that thing that happened’, ‘what if I really let go’? You see, I was really about showing this girl that she was not going to do this to me and get away with it as if nothing happened. But right now, I’m the one ‘suffering’. This ‘little thing’ is an important thing in my loving and caring career on this planet. You see, for me it is very easy to write people off. If I don’t like you, you’re out! And if I like you a lot, you ain’t going nowhere. No, I ain’t that insane.

For a moment I thought today that I want to go back to the old us. But I’m not so sure I want that. She’s married now, is a mom and there are things she and I will definitely disagree on. She has changed, maybe not drastically, but she has changed. And me, I don’t want to keep chasing phantoms. I actually am a phantom hunter, yes I am. I get nostalgic over lots of stuff. But apart from that , I think I can love her. I won’t love her in the same dedicated, die hard way. Maybe I don’t need too. Maybe the die hard love was for back then, when the pregnancy hit and folk were talking and she needed to attend doctor’s appointments while her baby daddy was working, when she needed to move out, get married, talk (a lot! She talks so much that I get dizzy sometimes) and when she needed a shoulder.

I am grateful for who I was back then. But the experience has marked me unpleasantly. If someone else I know would get in the same position today, I don’t think I will be that driven to be involved. Maybe I will, but the voices in my head and the background music will sound different. It’s a good thing that I could give as much or as little as I had given back then. This has thought me to keep my heart and my mind in the right order and use them for the right things when needed. And I guess this was a lesson about letting people live their own lives and not think I am that much of a big shot.

Esten’s Jungle Experience

We are used to going to camp. Us, Heavenly Warriors, even before we were Heavenly Warriors. About some time into the Heavenly Warriors experience, Image came along. 

She became a friend, sister and dear friend. Two times friend 🙂

We love going out to events with other churches, all of us Heavenly Warriors, but for Esten there were some difficulties. Not all places are weelchair friendly, and sometimes we don’t know it beforehand and not all means of transport are weelchair-friendly. Oftentimes at altar calls, we forget to ask if she wants to go down the aisle, is she so easy to forget? But she’s at church, every single sunday, even we she has to hold a handkerchief against her running nose. 

Youthcamp after youthcamp, caretakers for her were not to be found. Untill we all thought it was enough. A few weeks before camp, two sisters, dear friends went to her home and got instructions. 

And Esten came along. Happy were we, happy was she. Are, sorry, happy are we and happy is she. And, thought we, staying in a room and under a roof all day, doesn’t mean too much. So, for an adventure we went. 

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Screaming is my biological sister Jeanne and Wendy is supporting. 

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Gillian Blenman and Jeanne Maitre make the nurse and caretaker team for her. I admire some people with awe of a child. This is quite sharing God’s heart. 

And to make the picture complete, we stood in two uneven lines and captured the memory, the moment we made our  and Esten’s heart laugh. A girl of adventure, indeed she is. 

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And the bible says that anyone who knows what is good and doesn’t act accordingly, is a performer of sin. To esten Cohen and many more Heavenly Warrior Adventures! 

Love says despite

She’s still
A beautiful girl with dreams….

When my heart ain’t enough 

The Father reminds me

There is much more I can give

In her dreams, her hands are open

All chains are broken

And the sky isn’t further to reach

She is still

A beautiful girl with dreams

When it’s hard to love

One love is ever enough

Reach to the Father

He is love for the broken

She’s still his daughter

If the doors to my heart aren’t open…….

She is still A beautiful girl with dreams

My hands may be small 

But for her love

heaven’s heart has been broken…

Sometimes it’s hard to stay committed to love. Growth and maturity both are a process and while we’re at it, we will go through hard times and often we will fail. But it’s important that the other party doesn’t give up. Doesn’t give up on love between two but also self-love. It doesn’t make it okay for me to hate you and snare you, but if I should lose myself and fall short, you are not supposed to sink. Sometimes people become so dependent on the love from others and meanwhile they haven’t developed their self-worth, that one little crash makes their world fall apart. Don’t let that happen to you. I have fallen short. I have been falling short a lot these days and in the future, some days I might still fall short. Because maturity and growth have different levels. But if others fall short on me, I will not sink. Not again. So I want to teach those that I love and those that I am not committed to, to love themselves first. 

Don't give up on me

Head Down

Today
I’m bearing tears for you

My thoughts on you are teardrops,
a watery glance in my eyes

I have ever been so brave,
carrying on with tears in my eyes

but a stronghold
against the wreck in my chest

you were a light at the end of the tunnel
and I knew I was found

We were hoping and wishing,
casting our dreams on that someday
that is now ever far away
so far away, into the none existing

but now you’re a smile,
I wear you in my gaze,

ever -watery,
ever-shiny

Levensvragen

Why do we all have sin? Why have we all hidden secrets?
Today I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to have anything to do. I don’t want to have to fix things, figure things out. Not having to say anything to anyone, not having to smile to anyone, not wanting to survive, but just be, accidentally.
I wish the day could stop right were it was, maybe rewind, and never come back.
All the things I ever wanted, all the secrets I ever hid, all the truth I wanted to find out, everything I have ever learned, in one instance none of them mattered.
There is nothing I want to take back, there is nothing I wish could happen. There is nothing I want, maybe I need a wake up call, but I won’t go look for it or try to find it.
I also won’t wish I could bury my head, for realism’s sake.
It’s unbelievable how life can change, go around, come against you when you at least expect it.
When you have held grudges, then let go and call back and let some go and keep holding others. Life is filled with ups and downs, but more than once in a lifetime we may encounter major downs, they don’t necessarily have to be setbacks. We can decide to make them setbacks, but sometimes, I just want no, nothing, nada, nihil, quiet.

Some people say life is a bitch. Life is sure hard, can be hard, but life is also precious and is given by The wonderful Source, so I can’t call it a bitch, I don’t agree. But sometimes it sure is unpleasant.

So, I have learned not to judge. Even if I were without sin, I’m not supposed to cast a stone, I can smile to (my fellow) the sinner, tell ’em it’ll be okay and ask them not to sin anymore, maybe even tell them how I survived one of my scars, but no, not judge.

Even though it is the easiest I could do. But God is greater.

This is another day, it too will end.