Not by emotions, nor convictions

This morning I woke up feeling renewed, refreshed. I have just come out of a bit of an unpleasant period and it feels as if today was the first day of a period of ‘clearance’. I was going through an unpleasant time because I did not use my time and energy effectively. I also think that my body is getting into a new rhythm that I am not used to yet. It also might have something to do with my strong mental focus on changes that will happen in my life within a few months.

I also feel a little bit lighter. I had expectations that were not met. That upset me and frustrated me. I have helped myself to let that go. I say ‘helped myself’ because I already have the strength to do all I need to do. But sometimes we hold ourselves back by our expectations and in this case I was no different. Although it will take some time before I am totally free of expectations and ideals, it is all okay. I will be fine.

I have to realize that it is not by might, nor by power, nor by my emotions and my convictions, but by the spirit of God that I will grow.

 

 

Vandaag

Vandaag ben ik blij
En is mijn ziel stil
Dat gebeurt soms
Wanneer ik goed hoor
En aandachtig luister
Ik zie geen gedaante
En hoor geen stem
Maar mijn hart
Kan sneller gaan kloppen
En mijn geest
Kan vrede zingen

De toekomst
de woorden
de bevestiging
waar ik zo naarstig
naar verlangde
En mijn hele wezen
Voor opvlamde
U gaf die
En ik ben stil

Ik weet half
Waar U mij brengen wilt
Morgen kan ik weer bang
En onzeker zijn
Maar voor altijd heb ik brood
En mag ik leven van de wijn

Vandaag ben ik stil
En is mijn ziel
Nog meer blij

Aside

look what God done did

I have been wanting to host an event for at least three years now. My pastor knows about this and is ready to have a meeting about it so it can happen this year. I am not someone that can plan very well, well at least, I don’t know how to stick to plans. But you know what, I get to sign up for an event planning course!

Other thing. In the first weekend of February, the leading team of the Youth ministry which I am part of, made a plan for this year. And one of the things we knew we wanted to get the youth involved in, is social work, volunteering. We were about to start later this year. But you know what, the kids ministry is putting up a building and we get to help there Saturday.

I am really glad that these opportunities are presented. Because it shows God is backing things up in here. Not for our glory, but for the lost to be found and His kingdom to prosper. God is good, beyond time.

Grace that is passed on

When I am faced with hurt I cannot heal,
Find myself curled up in my own arms, mouthing words of faith I can not feel

May I know there is a greater picture. Though I cannot see further than the light beside me, darkness brews new life, far ahead of me.
And by grace, I am welcome to step into the unknown to face new springs of life.

When I don’t understand what hurt is meant for and what purpose loss and grieve can possibly serve, may my soul know only out of broken soil can seeds arise into trees and bear fruit.

Though I may feel lost under burdens and prefer to walk by sight, Grace does see me and remains over me.

To those who are broken, the very cracks of your wounds are birthing ground for mercy.

To those who feel lost, the very darkness on your path, can bring life about for your life ahead.

Just know that All is Grace and there is not such a thing as a moment of more mercy than the other; You are always loved and God is always good.

(This post has been inspired by Ann Voskamp’s blog post ‘So all is grace?’). She is inspired by music of Shaun Groves. So, this is grace passed on from Shaun to Ann and from Ann to me. And now, you may have a piece.

Faith is Growth

A few minutes ago, my head was full of them. But now all the words have gone hiding. Standing behind the trees that are worry, memories, concerns, tasks etc. 

This morning I read a blog post of a lady who learned that her daughter will be born with multiple complications and by God’s grace, she got to decide, together with her husband and family to become larger than the pain. I fear for what may happen to my children in my womb when I am ‘there’. I dream of having a family one day, happily not obsessed, but in my spirit I just know that it is something very precious to have and to be in. I am scared about weather or not I will carry healthy children. My mother had two stillborn baby’s after me. I know that doesn’t have to be the case with me, but still. I am learning to trust God about this. 

Being the person that I am, I know that whatever comes my way I will throw myself upon making the best of it. But when it comes to children that I’d bear, I am afraid. I want them to be completely healthy and sound. I know I can trust that God wants the best for me and will give me a complete healthy keen. But I know that God’s will is perfect and He might allow anything in my life. It only depends on how I choose to take it. Sigh. I am not sorry for all mothers who have had baby’s in ways they didn’t expect or rather would not. I am rather sorry for those who haven’t felt Gods love and grace in such a way that they can enjoy every bit of imperfectness. Thus said, I should apologize to myself, for my fear and insecurity. 

God is everywhere. I can choose to see Him as He is or to give into my limited sight, blocked by fear. 

As for the words that left, they came into appearance, one by one, step by step and gradually as short floods. They made this post. This is also something to see God in, that I can gradually appear to Him. Phase by phase learning to trust Him, step by step, growing in faith. 

Trembling knees

The only thing on my mind these days is poetry and life as an artist.
I just can’t seem to get over it.
It just can’t seem to let go of me. I don’t want to be just a dreamer, but I have fallen into a slumber, passively waiting for something to happen. I do know that being passive and just dreaming won’t get me anywhere, but somehow I am trying to justify the idea by thinking that maybe I’m just supposed to wait. Maybe there is something huge about to happen in my life.

I know that things will never become as I imagine, that I have to work hard to reach anything and that new things cannot make me happy, because happynes is something of the inside, something of the soul and is not supposed to be circumstantial. But gosh, I feel like I don’t have to do anything.

I think I ‘misread’ God when He let me know a few years ago what His plan for my life is. Yes, I tried to influence His plan to come true, by certain choices I made, I couldn’t just sit back and wait, I thought. But now, sitting back and wait seems like the only thing I want to do. I really want a life as a writer, poet, artist or whatever creative creature, but I don’t know how to put my hands to the task of forming that future for me.

And I am also afraid that it might not end up to be what I believe it will be. Well, it is all about trust, trusting God. But that is one of my main problems, I don’t know where to reach out my ow hands and where to sit back and wait.

One other huge drama: I have to finish the school I am in right now and build something for my self, for the company I work, for the community I am in, before I get to move on. I love Journalism, but my heart is not in the right place and I wonder when it will ever be. I just can’t get used to the idea that things aren’t going my way and might never go that way.
I found myself in a place I craved to be and still I am reaching towards, yearning for something else, wondering why I can’t be satisfied with today. Of course I can do more, of course I believe I was meant for what I am longing for, but really, I believe that in order to find rest in what I desire, I have to appreciate what I have to settle with. It seems like my heart can’t be wrapped around today, untill that today is filled with what my own heart yearns.

I also wonder when I ever will find peace in God. Of course I love him and know He is looking out for me, but, my part is as good as void.

I am tired. Tired of aspiring, of dreaming of fearing.
The thing is, I know that in favor of God and myself, I will land in that life. But I am afraid. Afraid to think that it’s really what I want. Afraid to take the actions to get there, afraid that I will have to wait longer, that I won’t be sattisfied, that I will have to crawl back, that it won’t be what I imagined. Afraid that it will mean that I have been wasting my time all this time, afraid to not leave a legacy behind where I am right now. Afraid of discomfort.

It would be so much easier to just wait and have everything happen, but nothing would be worthwile.

I love myself, I love my full self, so, I will continue meditating and seeking Gods face on how this thing will happen.

Oh, and God is guilty on this one, because He is constantly giving me dreams of break-througs and new beginnings. I am grateful though.

My knees are trembling as I have to take a leap of faith.
I know God will be with me wherever I go, but I want everything to count. I don’t want to be one to give up easy and turn back fast. Too bad I can’t crawl back in my seat, curl up and make the world give me one huge break while everything I need gets delivered to my feet. I will be proven wrong if I turn away, I will be left with nothing at hand, none of which I want to experience. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I just have to work hard to get where I want to be.