God, my swim- instructor 

I am standing at the poolside, frozen, looking up at the instructor motivating me to come in and that it will be okay. Of corse it will. But I won’t. I will mess up. I will fail. I am too afraid. 

Afraid. 

Ever since I had landed myself a job, did tons of flawess interviews for a local news channel and especially managed to get a loan for my first car, I believed I was brave. I needed nothing and no one, I could tell myself to do anything and so I would. 

Until I came to realize I was bitterly failing. The One and the things that matter most were put off, pushed to the back of my head as mere shadows of something I would now and then touch, but mostly keep bravely away from. I realized that I do want God, life, love, true friendships and meaningful relationships. That all the projects I could do would not matter if I was to do them alone. 

So I sigh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. Only to come back up after a few seconds, gasping for breath. I did mess up. I am too scared. I have not learned to breathe underwather and I am afraid my lungs will burst. But the instructor is saying these reassuring things and I really want to learn how to swim because I really, really love water. So I go back in. Repeat it all, all over again. 

I am living in the unknown. Aren’t we all? I mean, we never know what might happen next. But many of us have faith that our tomorrow is safe and good, because we believe what God says. Just like the instructor, He keeps reassuring us and even gets down in the water, fully clothed to let us see. So we dive in to resurface back again because we don’t know how to breathe. 

Life has gotten me in a place where I don’t like to be. I saw it coming and thought I was prepared. Turns out, I’m not. It isn’t so much the events that have depressed me. But it is the fear. Actress Keke Palmer repeats so many great people when she says that fear is a choice. Fear is what I chose when I thought I had no choice. To some people (I mean an uber select few) I might be an open book, but in my head I am extremement private. Talking about my fears and hopes is a no-no. I might even write them down and publish them for the whole world to see but I promise that I will never sit down and discuss them especially with those that I love (and love me back). So in my mind I was stuck. And no one is ever really stuck. When you feel stuck, you are actually spiralling down. And that is exactly were I was going; down. But thankfully a friend reached out and although nothing was discussed, I found the courage to redirect back to the light! 

As I am emerging from the shadows of my lonely-made mind, I am not alone. I am holding a hand that is pulling me through. God is pulling me through. But I am more afraid than anything else because this is so new and this is so surprising. Most of the time I am holding my breath when I catch a glimpse of where He is taking me. Some are everything I always wanted and others are completely new. I try not to make eye contact and look straight ahead so I don’t get distracted. But eventually I do look away. That’s when I hold my breath and feel the urge to run away. It’s on those days when I spend hours awake in bed, dreading to open the blinds and get out. “What is so cool about going outside?” It’s on those days I am a couch potato because the tv takes me worlds away and I can ignore my shortage of oxygen intake. It is when I don’t open my bible or my song practice apps, because I am afraid my lungs will burst. 

John Legend found Chrissy Teigen and with her his head is underwater and he is breathing fine. I’d be laying on the poolside, flat on my back in the midst of reanimation proces. Just kidding. John and Chrissy didn’t just land there. It must have taken them a while. A while of reassuring, plunging, near-drowning and eventually trust. Trust that he wouldn’t stop even when he did mess up and almost drown. 

My head is underwater and I am kicking and screaming. But my Instructor, my Life-guard, my Rescue, is right by me. Patiently so. 

Questions

Are we going to die? Are we all going to die? But I’m scared. What if non of this ends when we do. What if it all starts over again. What will we do. Can we actually do something. Where will we go? Who will be stronger? Will it be our will or our circumstances. I don’t want to die. At least, I want my will to prevail. I want to be able to make sure that we’re all okay. That no one will fear us. That nothing will scare us. That we won’t be oppressed and won’t allow intimidation. What will become of us….The little boy’s plea died with him. One second before he could get another word out. The world ended with him. As for the afterworld…what do you think. Did he make it? Have you seen him around? 

Not so careery careerwoman

Long before I started working at 19 years old, I saw myself as a career woman. I wanted the uber busy life of work, work, work, just about enough time for pleasure and lots of succes. I have worked for it and tried..for a while. After that I got a bit confused about my own possibilities, desires and about how this world works. I thaught myself to not be naive and remain ready for every challenge. Soon enough my first job became boring. I lacked motivation and felt like there wasn’t one drop of challenge left in what I was doing. I wanted more but also could not live up to the requirements. 

It didn’t take long before the first supposedly blow struck at my second job. I never wanted to be the woman or the girl that stays at home, does all the chores, cooks and cleans, goes to the grocery store, watches tv or surfs the internet, blogs a little and so on. But something happened as my days at my first job were coming to an end. Maybe it is because I had spent so much time away from home that I really started to desire to stay home. Now I am also leaving my second job. It is a small mess that I don’t really want to talk about. The desire to be the stay at home girl seems to become stronger by the day. I don’t know how to get it out from under my skin. I still want a career and to be busy. But rather being busy with accomplishing things for people in need and things like that. Or maybe this is an invitation into what my future could look like? I don’t know. Feelings can be fleeting. But this one has been with me for over three years now. 

I am absolutely curious about what will happen in my life in the near future. As I am so sure that Christ has begun a work that He will absolutely finish. But I am so afrais that I dream too much, fear too much and don’t get up and step into the path that I am being shown so mercifully. I cannot wait for the new things, but actually I have to because I don’t think I am ready. I almost feel like I have no reason to believe I can do it. But that, ofcourse, is a lie. 

As a new year awaits me and the universe I brace myself, taking a deep breath to leap. In faith. 

Not by emotions, nor convictions

This morning I woke up feeling renewed, refreshed. I have just come out of a bit of an unpleasant period and it feels as if today was the first day of a period of ‘clearance’. I was going through an unpleasant time because I did not use my time and energy effectively. I also think that my body is getting into a new rhythm that I am not used to yet. It also might have something to do with my strong mental focus on changes that will happen in my life within a few months.

I also feel a little bit lighter. I had expectations that were not met. That upset me and frustrated me. I have helped myself to let that go. I say ‘helped myself’ because I already have the strength to do all I need to do. But sometimes we hold ourselves back by our expectations and in this case I was no different. Although it will take some time before I am totally free of expectations and ideals, it is all okay. I will be fine.

I have to realize that it is not by might, nor by power, nor by my emotions and my convictions, but by the spirit of God that I will grow.

 

 

A lump of hope

Sometimes we’re left

with a lump of hope

on our hearts

And it is all

we have

All we get to put in

All we pull our smiles from

and everything we live for

Sometimes we’re left

with a lump of hope

on our hearts

making it hard to swallow

all the portions

of bitterness

making it hard to chew down

all portions of fear

we get thrown down

our breath

Sometimes

a lump of hope

is all we’ve got

The tale of two loving one

In bed. The one hand that is not holding the novel is going through your hair. That hand would be resting on my belly if your head was not there.  I am not sure if you are spacing out, reflecting back on your younger days or have already fallen sleep. To me you are always peace. Even when you are a raging storm, those days I take out the laundry and gladly hang them outside for your foe to dry. Like the raging waters inside me that seem so calm on the surface. You awaken. Take all the worries that were not there a minute ago and put them away. The novel had to make way for your lower chest. I remember the day I had fallen in love with you. That I thought I knew you and there was not really anything to find out. It made me sick to realize my guard had taken leave. But I knew I would never find a healing so complete as my restored soul bounced back ever stronger with every word you wound around me. There was magic and you had no wand.
At the sink. The faucet drips it’s last protest against it’s use at this hour. You dry your hands and throw the wet towel in the bin. Your hands take mine. Your smile calls on mine. While your look is firm, my eyes search. Your voice announces knew life and renounces the mad plan you made to catch me. Off guard. This surely is.
By the table. I finally fall to my knees. The words that could not find my mouth to wake me up sank me to the floor. You get down by me, hanging on the one hand that was holding on to you. It has always been like that. You made my knees weak, but the two of you are already strong together. I go downwards, but I have never been so uplifted before.