Personal relevance of Christ

Wouldn’t it be wonderful. To get up and leave everything behind. Every frustrating thing, every burden, every annoying person, ever bad habit. To leave all that just isn’t going well and start anew, wouldn’t that be wonderful?

I bet it would. Think about it. All rusty old relationships that don’t always seem worth while. That always seem to need rejuvenating, only to end up at the same place again. Every stupid bill you have to pay that started out with the best intentions, but somehow never seem to go away but instead keep piling up. Any effort made for good. To be good, to act good, to eat well, to live well and yet ends up in frustration. I bet it would feel great to say goodbye to them and become new.

But in the 15-plus years that I have been following (strolling behind?) Christ, I have found that I’d be missing out a lot. On mercy, on love, on grace, on kindness, unconditional love; you name it. I would be missing out on a relationship with Christ. I mean, it’s easy to meet a stranger, get a vibe from them and tell them they need to do so and so to fix this and that. But it is a whole other thing to have someone accept you for who you are. And then when you realize you want to do things differently, be there for you and with you all the way. Someone who never criticizes you, contrary to what people say and believe, when you are unmotivated or make mistakes. A friend who has all the expertise you  need to do things right and still doesn’t throw his grandeur in your face. Someone who is gentle and has so much patience with you that you actually get to grow by just being with them. Now that, is wonderful.

It’s almost like having a child. As a parent you see your child grow up in dependency of you. Running to you for everything. But at a certain point they start to think that they might know better than you. So as much as it hurts, you let them do it their way. But anytime they come to you, you are there to gently redirect them or discipline them. Until they learn that you are there for them and they can actually depend on you and come to you whenever they need anything. As a parent you have to let go at a certain point. But with Christ, hooray!, it is different. Sometimes when I read how people resent God, the idea of God and His word, I find myself speechless and sometimes even hurt. Hurt because I don’t even know where to start to answer their quest or rather their disbelief. I honestly don’t know what to say back. Although I know I don’t like discussions and all that, so I’m glad I can stay quiet. But then I wonder, what if one of them would come up to me personally. That’s when it gets serious for me. That is when I ask myself ‘what do I believe’, why am I in this? And the answer is relationship. That is all God wants and how He made us to want. And that may not be a satisfying answer to every angry and bitter person out there that thinks it is all about bad religions and stupid made up story books. But it sure is enough for me.

God doesn’t sprinkle anything in my eyes to let me see life through rosy colored glasses. He opens my eyes to His mercies, to His nearness and every way He comes through and even changes my mind about the hurtful parts of life. That’s when I get to regain my breathing and go on, feeling safe and secure again. God doesn’t inject anything in my body to heal me when I am ill. He either changes the chemistry of whatever was wrong and makes me whole again or He lets me know that I need to rest or change my diet so my body can do what it is supposed to do. God doesn’t magically take my pain away when I’m emotionally hurt. He has from time to time miraculously healed me from them. But the one thing that always seems to work for me is how He whispers the truth of His bold love into my heart to make me strong again. And I even manage to pour out that same love over people that may have been involved in the process of being hurt. And the next time I go through something frustrating and painful, I remember He is near and I will get through safely. This is what my God is about. And I am so grateful.

And you know what, I may get scared or hurt from time to time and feel like He is not near. But He has brought me thus far, I know He is undoubtedly good. There was a team of men that trusted Him so hard that they actually went through the fire. They even said He might let them burn in there and still went. That takes courage. I might get there someday. 🙂

John 13 v 15

 

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It is not enough

It is not enough to see

Not enough to dream

Not enough to try

Not enough to envision

It is only enough when all you had

All you know

All you are

Has been given

Is being shared

Until there is nothing left

God, my swim- instructor 

I am standing at the poolside, frozen, looking up at the instructor motivating me to come in and that it will be okay. Of corse it will. But I won’t. I will mess up. I will fail. I am too afraid. 

Afraid. 

Ever since I had landed myself a job, did tons of flawess interviews for a local news channel and especially managed to get a loan for my first car, I believed I was brave. I needed nothing and no one, I could tell myself to do anything and so I would. 

Until I came to realize I was bitterly failing. The One and the things that matter most were put off, pushed to the back of my head as mere shadows of something I would now and then touch, but mostly keep bravely away from. I realized that I do want God, life, love, true friendships and meaningful relationships. That all the projects I could do would not matter if I was to do them alone. 

So I sigh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. Only to come back up after a few seconds, gasping for breath. I did mess up. I am too scared. I have not learned to breathe underwather and I am afraid my lungs will burst. But the instructor is saying these reassuring things and I really want to learn how to swim because I really, really love water. So I go back in. Repeat it all, all over again. 

I am living in the unknown. Aren’t we all? I mean, we never know what might happen next. But many of us have faith that our tomorrow is safe and good, because we believe what God says. Just like the instructor, He keeps reassuring us and even gets down in the water, fully clothed to let us see. So we dive in to resurface back again because we don’t know how to breathe. 

Life has gotten me in a place where I don’t like to be. I saw it coming and thought I was prepared. Turns out, I’m not. It isn’t so much the events that have depressed me. But it is the fear. Actress Keke Palmer repeats so many great people when she says that fear is a choice. Fear is what I chose when I thought I had no choice. To some people (I mean an uber select few) I might be an open book, but in my head I am extremement private. Talking about my fears and hopes is a no-no. I might even write them down and publish them for the whole world to see but I promise that I will never sit down and discuss them especially with those that I love (and love me back). So in my mind I was stuck. And no one is ever really stuck. When you feel stuck, you are actually spiralling down. And that is exactly were I was going; down. But thankfully a friend reached out and although nothing was discussed, I found the courage to redirect back to the light! 

As I am emerging from the shadows of my lonely-made mind, I am not alone. I am holding a hand that is pulling me through. God is pulling me through. But I am more afraid than anything else because this is so new and this is so surprising. Most of the time I am holding my breath when I catch a glimpse of where He is taking me. Some are everything I always wanted and others are completely new. I try not to make eye contact and look straight ahead so I don’t get distracted. But eventually I do look away. That’s when I hold my breath and feel the urge to run away. It’s on those days when I spend hours awake in bed, dreading to open the blinds and get out. “What is so cool about going outside?” It’s on those days I am a couch potato because the tv takes me worlds away and I can ignore my shortage of oxygen intake. It is when I don’t open my bible or my song practice apps, because I am afraid my lungs will burst. 

John Legend found Chrissy Teigen and with her his head is underwater and he is breathing fine. I’d be laying on the poolside, flat on my back in the midst of reanimation proces. Just kidding. John and Chrissy didn’t just land there. It must have taken them a while. A while of reassuring, plunging, near-drowning and eventually trust. Trust that he wouldn’t stop even when he did mess up and almost drown. 

My head is underwater and I am kicking and screaming. But my Instructor, my Life-guard, my Rescue, is right by me. Patiently so. 

Questions

Are we going to die? Are we all going to die? But I’m scared. What if non of this ends when we do. What if it all starts over again. What will we do. Can we actually do something. Where will we go? Who will be stronger? Will it be our will or our circumstances. I don’t want to die. At least, I want my will to prevail. I want to be able to make sure that we’re all okay. That no one will fear us. That nothing will scare us. That we won’t be oppressed and won’t allow intimidation. What will become of us….The little boy’s plea died with him. One second before he could get another word out. The world ended with him. As for the afterworld…what do you think. Did he make it? Have you seen him around? 

Not so careery careerwoman

Long before I started working at 19 years old, I saw myself as a career woman. I wanted the uber busy life of work, work, work, just about enough time for pleasure and lots of succes. I have worked for it and tried..for a while. After that I got a bit confused about my own possibilities, desires and about how this world works. I thaught myself to not be naive and remain ready for every challenge. Soon enough my first job became boring. I lacked motivation and felt like there wasn’t one drop of challenge left in what I was doing. I wanted more but also could not live up to the requirements. 

It didn’t take long before the first supposedly blow struck at my second job. I never wanted to be the woman or the girl that stays at home, does all the chores, cooks and cleans, goes to the grocery store, watches tv or surfs the internet, blogs a little and so on. But something happened as my days at my first job were coming to an end. Maybe it is because I had spent so much time away from home that I really started to desire to stay home. Now I am also leaving my second job. It is a small mess that I don’t really want to talk about. The desire to be the stay at home girl seems to become stronger by the day. I don’t know how to get it out from under my skin. I still want a career and to be busy. But rather being busy with accomplishing things for people in need and things like that. Or maybe this is an invitation into what my future could look like? I don’t know. Feelings can be fleeting. But this one has been with me for over three years now. 

I am absolutely curious about what will happen in my life in the near future. As I am so sure that Christ has begun a work that He will absolutely finish. But I am so afrais that I dream too much, fear too much and don’t get up and step into the path that I am being shown so mercifully. I cannot wait for the new things, but actually I have to because I don’t think I am ready. I almost feel like I have no reason to believe I can do it. But that, ofcourse, is a lie. 

As a new year awaits me and the universe I brace myself, taking a deep breath to leap. In faith. 

Not by emotions, nor convictions

This morning I woke up feeling renewed, refreshed. I have just come out of a bit of an unpleasant period and it feels as if today was the first day of a period of ‘clearance’. I was going through an unpleasant time because I did not use my time and energy effectively. I also think that my body is getting into a new rhythm that I am not used to yet. It also might have something to do with my strong mental focus on changes that will happen in my life within a few months.

I also feel a little bit lighter. I had expectations that were not met. That upset me and frustrated me. I have helped myself to let that go. I say ‘helped myself’ because I already have the strength to do all I need to do. But sometimes we hold ourselves back by our expectations and in this case I was no different. Although it will take some time before I am totally free of expectations and ideals, it is all okay. I will be fine.

I have to realize that it is not by might, nor by power, nor by my emotions and my convictions, but by the spirit of God that I will grow.