There’s a strain from loneliness on my back

Right between my shoulders

And it feels bittersweet

Like when you feel at home

But the house seems too empty

Like having wings to fly

But being scared of height 

Alone

With my own thoughts 

Makes me feel content 

I could get up and slay demons

Figure a way out

And plan roadtrips for myself

But lately

I have been feeling a strain on my back

Just between my shoulderblades

I can never tell how to stop the ache

Could it be 

Maybe

That a firm hand

On that place

Would make it go away

Could it be so

That maybe

A hand to hold on a long drive

Would make the strain stray? 

And leave me courageous on my own again

Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two, ┬ábecause I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.

A minor nuisance, love

There is this minor nuisance
They seem to call it love
It has likely fallen down around me
And is closing me in

It all started
With a second thought
A second glance
On your second glance
On everything you have embodied

They seem to be together
They seem to hold eachother
And guide eachother
And that exactly
Is what separates us from them

We have,
How do I put it,
We have become,
No, we have not become
But we have faded
Into nothing
Nothing but perhaps
Nothing, but maybe
But impossible

There is this minor nuisance
I used to think
They called it love
But it is just that you don’t know me
And none of the above

I hope

I hoped it was love
Every time your spirit
Payed my eyes a visit

I hoped it was love
Everytime I saw you
In my dreams

I hope it is love
When your mother
Smiles
At me in my dreams

I hope it is love
When I cannot breath
As my mind ignores
My senses
And dwells of
To behold you

I hope it is love
All these sleepless nights
This restlesness
This hope
This fear

I hope it is love
Taking me back
All the way back
When time froze you
In front of me

I hope it is love
That brings you back to me
That brings me back to you

The bruised

Some are truly free
Others are not necesarily bound
But bruised

The truly free
Love and live sincerely
Have no reserve
And give their heart
In full honesty

The bound
Merely exist
Either give
More than they can
Or just take all that they can

The bruised
Try to live
and love fiercely
And maintain a balance
They can never achieve
The heart tries to breath
But the cracks leak
And the pain
Makes them withdraw

And they generally do not know
They are not truly free
And will maybe never be
The heart is kept in a clutch
And the conditions to open and present
Are always ones own