I just want to go wherever you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes I’m strong. Whenever I’m lost you are my only sense of purpose. However far, however low, however deep you are.

I fail, faltering the burning of incense to calm senses. The vivid memory of your fragrance tempts my soul. How much further can we go, my heart aches to know. How deep does desperation last, let me know. Who knew how fearful this brave heart would get.

Here I am, caught with you. Light descends, all time ends.

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Hand left Empty

I want to write about it, because I want to process it and somehow make it better.
But where does one start? How can I make anything no one has any influence on better.
I am sensitive about babies and embryos, especially those at risk and moreover, those that we loose.

A few months ago a friend miscarried at a very early stage of her pregnancy. I found it hurtful, but now, she has lost another child. One of the worst things I think she had to go through is the unprofessional way her doctor treats her. He is completely not compassionate.

The other thing is, she might have had twins, of which one was lost early and the other continued living. The doctor didn’t see this baby until recently.

Now, I’m not trying to depict a horror story here, but I just don’t know how to handle this. It’s the first time in a crisis that I don’t really know what to say. Maybe I don’t have to say anything. A time when I only want to cry when I remember her hurt and feel the nasty chill all over my body.

Knowing there are people that willingly ‘release’ their conceptions isn’t a happy thought for me. But also knowing that sometimes something goes wrong and someone who might have been afraid of having children all that time, but changed once they found out they are carrying, just looses what is so precious, just confuses me. I am not angry with God, but I’m left perplexed and wonder how and when and where comfort will be given and received. I know my only influence in this can be to be a shoulder, lend an ear, shed a tear and/or give a hand to squeeze and pray for the Almighty to do the unthinkable and the unexpected.

It is me holding my heart for when it’s my turn. So many things can go wrong. I get scared, I get confused and I question God. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with doing so, as long as I stay open for His love.

Lately I have been dwelling on the idea of getting pursued and wooed and married and having a family. Events like these make my mind wander in ‘what would I do’. Well, ‘what would Jesus do’ would be more helpful. I choose not to beat myself up with things I can’t control, so this fear I am having is being let go.

But, as for this friend, I am praying her health and sexual reproduction system gets restored. It is never our Fathers’ goal to make us suffer. I pray that whatever it is, will get better and that she’ll find peace in our Prince of Peace.

And so here a warm embrace for those precious lives that our hands didn’t get to hold.

Trembling knees

The only thing on my mind these days is poetry and life as an artist.
I just can’t seem to get over it.
It just can’t seem to let go of me. I don’t want to be just a dreamer, but I have fallen into a slumber, passively waiting for something to happen. I do know that being passive and just dreaming won’t get me anywhere, but somehow I am trying to justify the idea by thinking that maybe I’m just supposed to wait. Maybe there is something huge about to happen in my life.

I know that things will never become as I imagine, that I have to work hard to reach anything and that new things cannot make me happy, because happynes is something of the inside, something of the soul and is not supposed to be circumstantial. But gosh, I feel like I don’t have to do anything.

I think I ‘misread’ God when He let me know a few years ago what His plan for my life is. Yes, I tried to influence His plan to come true, by certain choices I made, I couldn’t just sit back and wait, I thought. But now, sitting back and wait seems like the only thing I want to do. I really want a life as a writer, poet, artist or whatever creative creature, but I don’t know how to put my hands to the task of forming that future for me.

And I am also afraid that it might not end up to be what I believe it will be. Well, it is all about trust, trusting God. But that is one of my main problems, I don’t know where to reach out my ow hands and where to sit back and wait.

One other huge drama: I have to finish the school I am in right now and build something for my self, for the company I work, for the community I am in, before I get to move on. I love Journalism, but my heart is not in the right place and I wonder when it will ever be. I just can’t get used to the idea that things aren’t going my way and might never go that way.
I found myself in a place I craved to be and still I am reaching towards, yearning for something else, wondering why I can’t be satisfied with today. Of course I can do more, of course I believe I was meant for what I am longing for, but really, I believe that in order to find rest in what I desire, I have to appreciate what I have to settle with. It seems like my heart can’t be wrapped around today, untill that today is filled with what my own heart yearns.

I also wonder when I ever will find peace in God. Of course I love him and know He is looking out for me, but, my part is as good as void.

I am tired. Tired of aspiring, of dreaming of fearing.
The thing is, I know that in favor of God and myself, I will land in that life. But I am afraid. Afraid to think that it’s really what I want. Afraid to take the actions to get there, afraid that I will have to wait longer, that I won’t be sattisfied, that I will have to crawl back, that it won’t be what I imagined. Afraid that it will mean that I have been wasting my time all this time, afraid to not leave a legacy behind where I am right now. Afraid of discomfort.

It would be so much easier to just wait and have everything happen, but nothing would be worthwile.

I love myself, I love my full self, so, I will continue meditating and seeking Gods face on how this thing will happen.

Oh, and God is guilty on this one, because He is constantly giving me dreams of break-througs and new beginnings. I am grateful though.

My knees are trembling as I have to take a leap of faith.
I know God will be with me wherever I go, but I want everything to count. I don’t want to be one to give up easy and turn back fast. Too bad I can’t crawl back in my seat, curl up and make the world give me one huge break while everything I need gets delivered to my feet. I will be proven wrong if I turn away, I will be left with nothing at hand, none of which I want to experience. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I just have to work hard to get where I want to be.