I am meeting you again.
Why are you in this place
Why can I not find you in an actual location
where I can stick out my hands,
reach, touch and grab hold of you.
You are always so fleeting,
wavering before my face
enticing my curiosity
but right before I get to you
you are already long gone
What are you doing way up there
in the blue sky with sheep white clouds
Why do you pound my heart so hard
How come I cannot find you
in the places my hands can reach,
touch and grab a hold of you.
Do I have a right to be angry
at your fleeting flirting
or rather brutal messing
with my head.
I just wish that
when the sun shines like this
and the sky is sheep white and light blue like this
you are not just an image in my head
but a beautiful vessel
for my body to dwell
for my eyes to behold
my fingers to touch
and my hands to hold.
Sometimes you go back in your memory and find things you wish you had left behind. The memory is something fascinating, magical and somewhat scary.
Over the past few weeks, I didn’t have to go back in my memory, but my memory can back/up to me. I relieved fractions of moments I never ever could have dug up by myself, no matter how hard I searched. Maybe they are things I’ve kept buried. As I have a huge interest in mysteries and details, I’d want to get to the bottom of this whole bigger picture. Because I don’t believe it’s just random memories. There is a great chance there is more to this. To me it feels like something huge is about to happen. Maybe it’s a silent wish of the drama queen in me, so be it.
I am experiencing vivid flashbacks of past summers. Now look, summer isn’t a real season where I live, but I can compare, because it’s all those very sunny days, steaming hot, when I was om vacation. I feel like I am about to plunge or be thrown into something that started those days. Maybe something made me forget those days and that something is gone and now I am back to normal. It would be great to get to the bottom of this.
It would be great to find out what fuels these flashbacks.
For a long time I have been driving myself crazy about the future and dreams about the future are what kept my mind busy. Nowadays I am in the ‘now’ and these ‘old days’ keep visiting me. I will continue to pray about it and dwell on them. I just felt I had to write about it and I know I am not done with them or rather they are not done with me.
My sister says it’s my sub conscience releasing things I tried to hold on to and maybe it’s my sub-conscience releasing these moments, because it knows I will go on vacation again and enjoy summer.
Here’s what I also think. Maybe it’s my mind reminding me of these past summers. Releasing them inside of me, because it knows I have enjoyed them, am looking forward to them and that they hold so much and mean a lot to me.
I am sure it will all be alright.