A minor nuisance, love

There is this minor nuisance
They seem to call it love
It has likely fallen down around me
And is closing me in

It all started
With a second thought
A second glance
On your second glance
On everything you have embodied

They seem to be together
They seem to hold eachother
And guide eachother
And that exactly
Is what separates us from them

We have,
How do I put it,
We have become,
No, we have not become
But we have faded
Into nothing
Nothing but perhaps
Nothing, but maybe
But impossible

There is this minor nuisance
I used to think
They called it love
But it is just that you don’t know me
And none of the above

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I have to write, so that’s what I am doing. The name of a wonderful Christian from the past century revealed itself to me over the past days. Oswald Chambers. The name must have come flashing through my memory from a book cover I have seen a few times. 

Last week I had a ‘sudden rising’ of ‘Mefiboseth’ and inside that period I listened to a devotional about the meaning of this name. Te name means: sworn by God to repair shame and crusher of idols. The great thing hereabout is that the first meaning has been spoken over me by the Lord. 

For me there is reason to believe God speaks to me in Sudden Risings. It is as if words come from deep within and resound throughout my being. Sometimes it’s names. I’ve had ‘Geraldine’, ‘Sophie’ and a few others, including “Mefiboseth’. When a name or word clings itself to me, I Google it or look it up in the dictionary. I think I started to notice the risings in 2009, but it might have been a long time thing. 

When I was little I used to do the craziest things with words and letters. I paired the letters of the alphabet according to their sound, analysed words and conjugated them in some weird way…leaving vowels out or leaving consonants out or replacing any of them with a paired letter…oeff, crazy girl here. But it was fun, it makes me realize I have ‘something’ with words. Lovely.

Back to Oswald Chambers, he lived a relatively short life, died a forty something. Didn’t get to be a published writer, though he was a great inspiration in the life of those he knew. His wife made him famous by publishing his writings and today I am so grateful to her for that and I also read that she was a great hostess to people, I love that. She has done things that I dream to do to. 

The main thing that spoke to me about Chambers, is that he was an artist. He also opened a bible school with his wife in their home and they met while they were traveling. The Lord told Oswald to look out for a young lady that was traveling and still they didn’t get to be together immediately. Super. 

One thing I have to change though. I found out that I love worldly knowledge and love to fascinate people with that. That wouldn’t be wrong if I had the guts to ‘abandon’ myself to God (Oswald Chambers saying) and fill myself with His knowledge, so I can breathe Him in and out, especially out, so others can taste this wonderful fruit of Him that is always so good. So far I have left to many bitter tastes in people’s mouth. 

One thing. 

Path

The cold creeps up my legs
I set them one before another
Wandering further in the night
The morning is still a few hours away
But I swear I can hear the first dew drops dissapear
This isn’t the first night that I walk like this
And there are countless more to come
I feel the stories that I’ve been told mumbling up my lips
A poem about my identity rise up inside of me
I wave it off with a tougth of a wonderful office and cute notebook and sharp pencil to write it in
The soul of my ancestors dance in my mind
Sing a song in my spirit
My hoody keeps the cold wind outside
And gets me closer to comfort
The music in my head sighs under the sound in my ear
Leaving the word of the recording artist somewhere in my heals
In the steps I take into taking over the night
Streetlights in my back cast me further into the dark
Barking dogs hold my hand on my bag
My breath peaks over my lungs and escapes my lips or nostrils now and then
The shadows of the palmtrees and the contoures of my nest drive me to relief
The door creaks as I step inside
The dark is still out there
My heart leaps at the sight of comfort:
A sofa, pencil and cuaderno waiting for my rusttled excitement and the threads of my ancestors, the storytellers that dance in my veins

Ev’ry All

All the doors stay closed to my heart, all the words can’t tell us apart. When I leave you make yourself start, start to rise afloat.
Ev’ry day my life ain’t the same, when you’re here I recon their shame. Will the days ever pass not in pain, will my clouds once glow dark day by day.
Day by day, life goes by.
Day by day, I don’t answer to your why.
Day by day, time alone understands, at least if it really is something with teeth and with hands.