Het bed; een heiligdom

Het bed;

Een heiligdom

Kussens

Als spijlen van hoop

Dekens om je beschermend toe te dekken

En het beddenlaken om warmte te houden

Met of zonder armen, borsten of een buik om je toe te rusten

Het bed;

Een heiligdom

Waar monsters je niet kunnen vinden

En wolfengeblaat je niet kunnen deren

Soms

heiligdom geschonden

Monster ingetreden

Wolven verraderlijk mekkerend je tot in je diepste tergen

Toch

Het bed; een heiligdom

Waar jouw armen je terug kunnen vinden

Je tranen de slaap kunnen herwinnen

Een heiligdom met toegang tot de bodem van je ziel

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Soms wordt het even moeilijk

dan kun je niet gewoon even slikken en verder gaan

Dan moet je even terug naar de basis

alles dat het is, waar jij op staat

Dan weet je hoever jouw wortels gaan

Soms wordt het even moeilijk

Dan kun je niet gewoon een traantje pikken en jouw emoties laten staan

Je kruipt dan terug in jouw bloedvaten

en omhult je met je beddenlaken

totdat je niets anders meer kan

dan omhoog verschijnen

In other words: sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to get back up

Moment in time

remember where we are?

if i’d lose my way to you

or you your way to mine

remember where we are

come find me back in time

i’ll forever be right here

never stepping out of line

remember where we are

i know you won’t

but i’ll be here

just in case

the wind takes you back

into your greatest moment in time

 

You make me featherlight

when you take my hands and lead me away

you make me featherlight

shining into my eyes with your incandescent eyes

I can breath again, I can fly

nowhere like my home

within the radius of your loving eyes

I love this; always landing back at you

pulling me up, out of this world’s strain

I’d freely hand you the keys to my soul

and clip my feathers off for you

I can breath again, I can fly

and I swear

you make me featherlight

From the deep end

Learning to love you from the deep end
Hiding my sorrows and joys from you
not dedicating anything I love to you
Just sitting here with my soul
who traumatized and unanswered to
I call my own
Leaning on love for you
from the deep end
I’ve been here before
But never have I known
We’re not inclined to
changing our destiny
your path is yours and mine is here, with me

Learning to love you from the deep end
Nevertheless
overcome with joy

Change of style

I wasn’t planning on telling the world about my how and why of cutting my hair. I mean, there are all these ladies ‘big chopping’ and explaining why. It all just seems so cliche to me. I am not trying to prove anything or making a statement.

But it all feels so good and different and new that I want to remind myself how it felt. I started thinking about cutting my hair (again) when I noticed I had problems with my ends. I didn’t deeply investigate what was going on because I honestly don’t trust everybody with my hair. I wasn’t even thinking about spending that kind of money. There is nothing about sitting in a salon chair that seemed very interesting to me at that time. Right now I am not sure what absolutely made me decide to chop. Another thing is that I want to lock my hair when I turn thirty and by that time I want my hair to be healthy. So cutting it and starting fresh seemed like an awesome idea.

I talked to two friends about this step that may seem like a simple thing but does end up becoming a pretty big deal. I mean it impacts your whole look and daily routine. And my friends being the great people they are,  have given me great advise. One led me to great barbershops and the other just motivated me to do get on with it. I am pleasantly surprised at how easy this decision came for me. About a week before the date I planned to cut my hair, I had this moment of unwavering what do you call it, decision making? I have yet to find the right word. I just knew that it was something that I would go through with. It was such an amazing feeling and I hope I have it more often. I hope I have this when I am making big life decisions, like where to live, buying a house, investing my money, getting married and stuff like that.

How it feels? I feel like a whole other person. I mean, I haven’t changed on the inside, but I feel so much more confident; grounded. I look at myself in the mirror and really want to get to know this woman better, see what else she has up her sleeve, find out what more amazing things she can do. I feel like this is the look that was cut out for me and that this was the right time for me to do it. I feel amazing. It is almost crazy that a ‘little thing’ like cutting my hair (real short) would have this effect on my feelings. I also feel like there are no obstacles on my way in this life (I know I will get the wake-up call soon).

I felt so relieved and happy when the barber started cutting my hair and I felt and saw these big chunks of beautiful hair falling off my head to the floor. I still don’t miss any of it. I don’t really remember how it felt to have all that hair in respects to having so little hair now. The only person who reacted really dramatically in my family so far is my mother. She is quite traditional and won’t have a woman cutting her hair off and putting in any designs. She also freaked out when I put two extra piercings in one ear. I hope I don’t start freaking out about putting in locs when the time comes. I love my mother and don’t want to do anything to disrespect and dishonor her. But I feel like her views about my body don’t have to be hers and that I cannot allow myself to do things because I don’t want her to get mad. I am praying for the day that she understand that my decisions about my body are not to hurt her and aren’t meant to be against her.

I am really enjoying my new look and almost want to call it my ‘new found freedom’ (dramatizing much). If you want to try something new and are scared, I want to encourage you to trust yourself, prepare yourself all from a place of love. You will thank yourself as I am enjoying my new look right now.

amber set a fire

It’s unbearable in me these days
But outside I’m cold
even my eyes don’t portray this heat
for deep inside, it stays

It’s hot in here these days
I wear my camisole under a blazer
my caftan over my leggings
I march the streets in search of solutions
But within me, this heat it lays

I’m cold outside
but my senses are torched
my hunger for life abhorred
this life
this fire
these cold fingers
without the amber in your eyes