Somehow

I wish somehow

My dreams would

Project themselves to you

so you could make your own judgement

On what you are to me

For in my vocabulary

There are no such words

As wishes and desires

they’re but borrowed

From people that know

How and have the strength

To express

What it is in this life

They aspire

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Personal relevance of Christ

Wouldn’t it be wonderful. To get up and leave everything behind. Every frustrating thing, every burden, every annoying person, ever bad habit. To leave all that just isn’t going well and start anew, wouldn’t that be wonderful?

I bet it would. Think about it. All rusty old relationships that don’t always seem worth while. That always seem to need rejuvenating, only to end up at the same place again. Every stupid bill you have to pay that started out with the best intentions, but somehow never seem to go away but instead keep piling up. Any effort made for good. To be good, to act good, to eat well, to live well and yet ends up in frustration. I bet it would feel great to say goodbye to them and become new.

But in the 15-plus years that I have been following (strolling behind?) Christ, I have found that I’d be missing out a lot. On mercy, on love, on grace, on kindness, unconditional love; you name it. I would be missing out on a relationship with Christ. I mean, it’s easy to meet a stranger, get a vibe from them and tell them they need to do so and so to fix this and that. But it is a whole other thing to have someone accept you for who you are. And then when you realize you want to do things differently, be there for you and with you all the way. Someone who never criticizes you, contrary to what people say and believe, when you are unmotivated or make mistakes. A friend who has all the expertise you  need to do things right and still doesn’t throw his grandeur in your face. Someone who is gentle and has so much patience with you that you actually get to grow by just being with them. Now that, is wonderful.

It’s almost like having a child. As a parent you see your child grow up in dependency of you. Running to you for everything. But at a certain point they start to think that they might know better than you. So as much as it hurts, you let them do it their way. But anytime they come to you, you are there to gently redirect them or discipline them. Until they learn that you are there for them and they can actually depend on you and come to you whenever they need anything. As a parent you have to let go at a certain point. But with Christ, hooray!, it is different. Sometimes when I read how people resent God, the idea of God and His word, I find myself speechless and sometimes even hurt. Hurt because I don’t even know where to start to answer their quest or rather their disbelief. I honestly don’t know what to say back. Although I know I don’t like discussions and all that, so I’m glad I can stay quiet. But then I wonder, what if one of them would come up to me personally. That’s when it gets serious for me. That is when I ask myself ‘what do I believe’, why am I in this? And the answer is relationship. That is all God wants and how He made us to want. And that may not be a satisfying answer to every angry and bitter person out there that thinks it is all about bad religions and stupid made up story books. But it sure is enough for me.

God doesn’t sprinkle anything in my eyes to let me see life through rosy colored glasses. He opens my eyes to His mercies, to His nearness and every way He comes through and even changes my mind about the hurtful parts of life. That’s when I get to regain my breathing and go on, feeling safe and secure again. God doesn’t inject anything in my body to heal me when I am ill. He either changes the chemistry of whatever was wrong and makes me whole again or He lets me know that I need to rest or change my diet so my body can do what it is supposed to do. God doesn’t magically take my pain away when I’m emotionally hurt. He has from time to time miraculously healed me from them. But the one thing that always seems to work for me is how He whispers the truth of His bold love into my heart to make me strong again. And I even manage to pour out that same love over people that may have been involved in the process of being hurt. And the next time I go through something frustrating and painful, I remember He is near and I will get through safely. This is what my God is about. And I am so grateful.

And you know what, I may get scared or hurt from time to time and feel like He is not near. But He has brought me thus far, I know He is undoubtedly good. There was a team of men that trusted Him so hard that they actually went through the fire. They even said He might let them burn in there and still went. That takes courage. I might get there someday. 🙂

John 13 v 15

 

Private or just plain selfish

Right now I should be in bed.
Holding my mom or at least make her feel my warmth. Because my father, the one who has always been here, is in the hospital. I really miss him and just wish he would heal super fast and really well so he can come home and we can take care of him until he is so healthy that he can be safe again. But this is not what this post is really about.

As you may (already found out) know, I am somewhat of a loner or at least really enjoy my own company and my time alone. I have also always had a deep dislike for explaining myself (too often/too much) and for small talk. I was shocked when I realized that I completely shut down from what is going on and being said around me when I’m tired.

So the case is that my sister is a real talker. Especially at the end of the day (when I am exhausted), she has about a million things to talk about. First, I didn’t like listening to her because I felt like she should know that I am tired and cannot listen very well in those moments. But then I also learned that people that love one another, listen to each other. So I did the best I can to listen to her a whole while at first, until I was less tired and then react.

In the past few months, I have grown out of certain things that used to seem either very important or interesting or innocent. So whenever I am in company of people where these things are discussed or when people are ‘making’ small talk I try to respectably refrain from the conversation. I used to get angry or frustrated and make unpleasant remarks at times, but then I learned that I was being disrespectful, so I just kept my mouth shut.

But now I am growing quieter in conversations and in general. I do know that a sign of maturity is when you learn to control your tongue and not just blurt out anything that comes to mind. But I am quite afraid of where this is going. Some days, especially when I leave home late for work, I have absolutely no interest in saying anything in the car, on our way to work. And my sister keeps talking, so I feel forced to react and it costs me so much energy and mental courage or something like that, to actually join in the conversation. Because I don’t want to make my sister feel uncomfortable. I love her and I want her to know that she can always talk to me. (But can she really) I would never want her to walk around with something she needed to talk about but didn’t because I make her feel insecure about talking to me. Or because she doesn’t feel welcome in my convo’s.

But at the same time, this is exactly what I am doing to her. I have read that people that are born in the season I was born in, don’t like to ‘bother’ other people with their problems. And also strongly dislike being vulnerable…I truly do hate that feeling (that’s what makes blogging easier than talking to someone). I am afraid that I am taking this to the extremes, but at the same time I feel SO MUCH safer with my own thoughts and feelings because I also know that not many people have the same views as I do. For example, discussing certain topics with people that aren’t open minded seems so pointless to me.

I can be the life at the party as much as I hate having to participate in social activities. In my experience they are only disruptive to me and my life. I really do feel like keeping to myself and the almost two or two and a half people I trsut, is the best. But I don’t want to exclude people and end up hurting them when all they want to do is love me or be my friend.

I have a life in my head where I am alone and indepent and only interact with people on my own terms. If someone has a problem, I am immediately available and help them real quick and go off the radar again. But this imagination is far from reality, but does concern me. What exactly am I doing wrong?

Trustee

I was fine until I saw your injustice

Up till then you and I were fine

For as long as I can remember, your every wish was also mine

When my eyes fell open to your hidden lies

I could no longer unsee them

They were as clear as day light

Before a wanderer’s eyes

Now I smile when you hurt me

Moan but softly when you thrust your daggers into my frail skin

When I am no longer here, only

Might your recovery begin.