Deep down

Deep down inside I want you because there is no other for me

But sometimes I just want you for your goods

Because I know anything you do will benefit me

Because I know having you, gives me everything.

So why not search you. Instead of seeking. 

Why not touch your hand occasionaly. Instead of making your hands marinade your love in my skin.

Deep down I want you for you. But the fleeting life is so much easier than being rooted. 

Two lessons in one tiny moment

I haven’t been enjoying God lately. I dreaded singing in church and avoided in-depth quiet time because, well, so many reasons. Things are changing (again) and I was disappointed in how I dealt with this change. So I didn’t want to face God because I thought, I didn’t deserve to (boohoohoo).

So, a logic consequence of my melodramatic choices is that everything else turns awry.  I started avoiding responsibility. You know, when you know what to do but you already assume you’ll mess up, so you don’t even bother trying (coward). That is exactly what my lazy behind was experiencing.

So last Sunday (yesterday), as I sat in church, I decided to let it go. To just give it a try. And God never disappoints. And I learned two things in that little moment that seemed so insignificant, in a place that doesn’t seem significant to man. But can become a major-historical turning point in my spiritual life-zone thing. If I let it.

One.

God isn’t just love. He is loving. The verb, to love, is His being. All He does, His mere existence is loving you (me), and that love is activating. The mere fact that God exists means that everything can go well for you. That everything that seems to be working against you, can be turned into good. That is what I felt in that moment and am coming to believe.

I have set a mental goal for myself to reach certain things and do certain things in my life. Everyone has goals. And one of mine is to live effectively and efficiently impact my community. I have two projects in mind that I am just so scared to start off. But this brings me the other lesson from Sunday.

I love to set a goal to get things done when I get home. But as I get home, I just slouch. Go to sleep, watch t.v. or do other meaningless things. Lesson number two: I can’t afford that any longer. Not only will I not get my life on track, but I will also remain a miserable person and make others around me miserable, only causing more misery because I will try to hold others accountable for my poor choices. I am also trying to learn how to live with disappointment with people that I actually love. Love them or leave them? What does God say. He will be with me either way. The choice is mine.

Life is a beautiful thing. There is so much to do, so much to be, achieve. And the journey is a whole other beautiful story. Be encouraged to not lose hope in yourself when you feel like you messed up. The world needs you. You need you.

Wonder

I wonder if you know

how much I love you

If you know how often

I wonder this

Even though we don’t talk all the time

Even though we don’t meet everyday

Am I falling too deep

Am I falling too hard?

never mind you being so easy to love

I just can’t help myself

I wonder.

Do you know?

So I tell you this

time and time again.

Enough, to make you believe me

with my eyes open, so you can see through me.

Do you know?

 

I want to go back to that dream. The one im which you were here. So I could live there and be everything I try so hard to be but can’t achieve. 

Closing my eyes seems to soothe the pain. But it’s just a mirage. 

A hunger not even time can still. Reality has lost it’s check. Bye. I am locked up here. From forever where you are. A dream that only reoccurs in fragments, enough to keep me alive. But hardly breathing. 

I can’t go back to that dream. Truth is you have never been here….keeping the water out of the boat. 

I opened up for you

And to your lies

Because, 

I thought, 

Anything is better than this silence

I was harboring

Anything was better than this wall

I was hiding in

Opening up, so I could look at you

And dream that there was more to you

Than the pretend

The self-hate you casted to everyone else

You see, I have always known this about you. 

But you still won’t believe me

When it comes to love. 

I still do.

But I have bo business holding on to merely an idea of you. 

Now that I have taken down my walls for you. 

I have strentgh and wisdom 

To walk free. 

Home with you

It is a safe place

but also feels like a cage

I see you changing

I wonder why you speak so loudly

and say the things you say

Countless nights have I spent awake

and long drives have I spent absent minded

on little things you say

and little things you do

I do not want to lose you while we’re both still here

and you.

You are always tired

but will only admit it

when you’ve already reached your last strength

why are you so worried

about things you cannot change

you even insist you either will or have to die

I don’t want to lose you

while we’re both still here.

I want you to stay, but not become who you are becoming.

The heavens have sent me a note.

that it is okay

that we’ll be okay

But I still get scared

and irritated

when I have to repeat myself time and time again.

I prayed a prayer about the next generation

that I want them to be full grown before you go

But I know

nothing can be for sure

except that I don’t want to lose you.

But there is nothing I can do