Lest my eyes get used to the dark
I’ll follow you everywhere
To illuminate you with the faintest spark
you see, the song of mating birds know not yet such a vibrant dance
the satisfied moon knows not yet such a devotee
And the knight knows not yet such a bride
As clean
as bright
And as determined as I cherish you.
And I enjoyed the darkness
You delivered me into
The cold, damp unknown
I felt united with
The chance to trip over obscure objects
And giggle into the lonely night
The risk to face demons,
Face to face
And either grin and scare them
With my ‘booh’
Or get scared and run as far as my breath could take me
You made me
I would have never become this fast
And so strong
If you hadn’t exposed me
To the depth of my potential
I’ve been hearing your voice. All day today. But I haven’t got the guts to answer in my own. Actually, the listening has been here for so long I don’t remember when it started. But I guess today is another day to answer.
I miss you a little. You know, the fiction about us. The dead and haunting what if, that grins down on us.
So dearly enticing. Though I wish I could drag you along and trip over our feet on our way. I breath a big bag of air and turn away. The drought under my skin is painless though. The drought of your absence. In accordance to my dreams, you should have been here. Here, right now, under my breath taking time in. But yes. Yours is another smile I won’t give into.
Though I see the little boy in you. It’s the kid that got me. I don’t even think I’m into you. It’s your inner-kid, bare-butt, that’s gotten to me. The little guy that wants more, keeps holding his hands, palms turned upwards, towards me. Not like I can wait. That is what the turning away is for. The impatience, the lack of understanding, the pack of lies we’ve build ourselves around. This realm, this stupid, illegitimate realm of you and I. It’s a farce. You and I, we both know it. But it brings the most beautiful smiles to our lips and gives the greatest promises of paradise to our numbed senses. Though my senses are ever-awake to this. But you get to be free. Though you keep lying to me, turning away as if you don’t know what is going down from time to time. I still see your soul and laugh away our foe. You get to escape and even run away. But me, if I wanted, this could be my empire. My own little sun-ridden goth castle where I could spend loneliness smiling to the grey brick industry walls, feeding on memories of never occurred past participles.
I wonder how I will be able to turn away from you with everything that reminds me of you. The music, the words, the lies we told, your name, your favorite colors, your tasteful words, the cunning smile of your little guy. I’m in a mood to tell the truth, so don’t try to find me. I’d have to turn off all the lies we’ve been lit up by. Your arms and their embrace, your mouth and the breaths they take. Everything I’ve seen in you. All the times when my phone will ring, when I’ll text again. When I will lie again, tell truth again. Face my fears, be brave again and feel weak again. How will I turn away from you. So everyone can breath. How I made you special and you made yourself special to me. I’ll remain great, with or without you though. That much you know.
Feeling like a fool I do. Laughing cynically, suffering clinically. Inside and out of you. Let me wait, make me wait until this disease is over? The paintbrush of the sky is fading me away from the canvas. The lustful, false and enigmatic canvas of a couple that died before they met. The nemesis of lovely you and wasted me.
And this thing keeps spinning in my head. round and round. like a merry go round.
I can’t explain it. I don’t think I can take it any longer. Whatever it is, I need it to stop.
The rain has reached my underwear. As if I’ve been standing naked in the shower for an hour. My body is shaking. But I’m just walking. There has never been a rain like this before.
The words I think. The feelings I encounter inside this meager skin. My head is pounding. I think it’s having fun, pretending it’s driving around a tiny block and not ready to decide when it’ll go home.
I hear myself laughing. Breathing heavily. Now sighing. my forehead is frowning. What are these words. They are jumping jets above the place all the buzzing comes from. My underlips are inside my mouth. Breathe in breathe out. If I stop, the road will end underneath me.
Almost nothing is working properly. My feet remember the way, that makes it all okay. Should I stop, everything will tumble underneath the earth and this, whatever I am now, will be gone.
I’m trying to get her back, the girl I was. She just decided to walk away someday and never gave me any sign. Until now, there hasn’t been any explanation. Until now? When is now? Where is now.
The day is trying to go away. But I won’t let it. It has to stay! We’ve been trying so hard to make it. What would it give if I was naked right now? I mean, we’re standing in a giant shower. The pipes aren’t leaking. Everything in here works perfectly.
When SheMaya left, I had no idea I was alone, until this buzzing started. I asked her what was going on. No reply. I waited for the yellow pills. I guess she took them along.
Where would I go if I was an imagination? If I was an idea to keep a frightened head alive. And safe. Again, my underlips are inside my mouth and my teeth suck all the water they’ve been holding outside.
I hope the sun doesn’t wake up any time soon. Maybe she’s being held captive by the moon. I used to love the night. Especially her coldness. I loved to fill her loneliness when Maya was by my side. I guess she’s holding me now, because like her, there’s no one to catch me until the sunlight brakes the gloom.
Cold spirit whispering softly to me ‘Listen to me carefully’
Cold spirit whispering softly to me ‘Leave this place come with me’
‘Cold spirit, I’ve got nothing to do with you’
‘Cold spirit I don’t got to be with you’
Cold spirit says a bit louder: ‘It’s not anything weird, it’s your broken self’
Cold spirit says a bit louder: ‘I just thought you needed help’
‘Cold spirit, I got all the help I need’
‘Cold spirit, there’s only One Voice I heed’
Cold spirit whispers: ‘Good, I’m leaving’
Cold spirit whispers in my ear ‘see you in the darkness dear’
The cold is left in my broken heart,
Knee to chest, breathing hard
I inhale the nemesis of you
dark clouds wage me away from you….
My sobbing reaches the ceiling
Tears that dwell in my chest
reveal how I remember you best
Filing my records to find you
I embrace the cracks left behind
No more can I wait
Mere words can’t debate
If the rock in my chest starts beating again
You’ll be the last thing that will remain.
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