The only thing on my mind these days is poetry and life as an artist.
I just can’t seem to get over it.
It just can’t seem to let go of me. I don’t want to be just a dreamer, but I have fallen into a slumber, passively waiting for something to happen. I do know that being passive and just dreaming won’t get me anywhere, but somehow I am trying to justify the idea by thinking that maybe I’m just supposed to wait. Maybe there is something huge about to happen in my life.
I know that things will never become as I imagine, that I have to work hard to reach anything and that new things cannot make me happy, because happynes is something of the inside, something of the soul and is not supposed to be circumstantial. But gosh, I feel like I don’t have to do anything.
I think I ‘misread’ God when He let me know a few years ago what His plan for my life is. Yes, I tried to influence His plan to come true, by certain choices I made, I couldn’t just sit back and wait, I thought. But now, sitting back and wait seems like the only thing I want to do. I really want a life as a writer, poet, artist or whatever creative creature, but I don’t know how to put my hands to the task of forming that future for me.
And I am also afraid that it might not end up to be what I believe it will be. Well, it is all about trust, trusting God. But that is one of my main problems, I don’t know where to reach out my ow hands and where to sit back and wait.
One other huge drama: I have to finish the school I am in right now and build something for my self, for the company I work, for the community I am in, before I get to move on. I love Journalism, but my heart is not in the right place and I wonder when it will ever be. I just can’t get used to the idea that things aren’t going my way and might never go that way.
I found myself in a place I craved to be and still I am reaching towards, yearning for something else, wondering why I can’t be satisfied with today. Of course I can do more, of course I believe I was meant for what I am longing for, but really, I believe that in order to find rest in what I desire, I have to appreciate what I have to settle with. It seems like my heart can’t be wrapped around today, untill that today is filled with what my own heart yearns.
I also wonder when I ever will find peace in God. Of course I love him and know He is looking out for me, but, my part is as good as void.
I am tired. Tired of aspiring, of dreaming of fearing.
The thing is, I know that in favor of God and myself, I will land in that life. But I am afraid. Afraid to think that it’s really what I want. Afraid to take the actions to get there, afraid that I will have to wait longer, that I won’t be sattisfied, that I will have to crawl back, that it won’t be what I imagined. Afraid that it will mean that I have been wasting my time all this time, afraid to not leave a legacy behind where I am right now. Afraid of discomfort.
It would be so much easier to just wait and have everything happen, but nothing would be worthwile.
I love myself, I love my full self, so, I will continue meditating and seeking Gods face on how this thing will happen.
Oh, and God is guilty on this one, because He is constantly giving me dreams of break-througs and new beginnings. I am grateful though.
My knees are trembling as I have to take a leap of faith.
I know God will be with me wherever I go, but I want everything to count. I don’t want to be one to give up easy and turn back fast. Too bad I can’t crawl back in my seat, curl up and make the world give me one huge break while everything I need gets delivered to my feet. I will be proven wrong if I turn away, I will be left with nothing at hand, none of which I want to experience. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I just have to work hard to get where I want to be.