Crimson path

You again!

I really, really hate you. I wish I could avoid you and get rid of you. But I am careful with what I wish for. Because every time you strike, it’s ‘poor me’ again.

You! How I wish you never knew me. Although I know you’re supposed to be good. You are nothing short of a curse.

How I wish I could hate you with a passion. But I can only hope for that much energy. For you make me so sleepy.

At first you give me cravings. Then you make me cranky. And after that you make me sleepy, picky. You also make me suffer. I fall ill at your hands. I can’t help but think that your only interest in me are evil plans. Yoy make me angry. And week. Though sometimes help me become humble and realise I am actually really fragile. That I nees love and care and everything I long to give, that I also deserve a caring hand.

I know you are supposed to bring me good. But I wish you were always good. Sometimes my faith gets shaken as I wonder ‘what more do I need to know and need to do God, can’t You just make it okay.’ So I don’t really talk to Him when you’re around. Because maybe I am doing something wrong.

I only wish that you are worth it. For if you prove you are not . . .I mean, I can’t only be in my twenties and already looking forward to menopause. If you actually aren’t any good, even if you are…would you please consider being kind to me.

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It is not like I don’t want you to carry me away or do not want you near.
It is just that I cannot overcome my fear.
As I browse through the pages of my soul, like watermarks I find you in every corner.
Strangely, I can wipe it away with one certain blink. But with my heart, I’d paste it back again.

With the brightest smile I could wave you goodbye, but within this realm I’ll always find you, always hide you, always guide you. Wherever you go, back to my soul. It is not like I don’t know what you know. But it is just that I don’t want to pierce holes in anybody’s soul.

All the facts, fiction and fraction, fears and doubt and the unknown. I’m taking them on until I am fully grown or all of this is gone. We both know the sun won’t shine out of the dungeon and pierce through the comfortable night. I’m going home, I’m coming on, hoping.

I just want to go wherever you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes I’m strong. Whenever I’m lost you are my only sense of purpose. However far, however low, however deep you are.

I fail, faltering the burning of incense to calm senses. The vivid memory of your fragrance tempts my soul. How much further can we go, my heart aches to know. How deep does desperation last, let me know. Who knew how fearful this brave heart would get.

Here I am, caught with you. Light descends, all time ends.

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Trembling knees

The only thing on my mind these days is poetry and life as an artist.
I just can’t seem to get over it.
It just can’t seem to let go of me. I don’t want to be just a dreamer, but I have fallen into a slumber, passively waiting for something to happen. I do know that being passive and just dreaming won’t get me anywhere, but somehow I am trying to justify the idea by thinking that maybe I’m just supposed to wait. Maybe there is something huge about to happen in my life.

I know that things will never become as I imagine, that I have to work hard to reach anything and that new things cannot make me happy, because happynes is something of the inside, something of the soul and is not supposed to be circumstantial. But gosh, I feel like I don’t have to do anything.

I think I ‘misread’ God when He let me know a few years ago what His plan for my life is. Yes, I tried to influence His plan to come true, by certain choices I made, I couldn’t just sit back and wait, I thought. But now, sitting back and wait seems like the only thing I want to do. I really want a life as a writer, poet, artist or whatever creative creature, but I don’t know how to put my hands to the task of forming that future for me.

And I am also afraid that it might not end up to be what I believe it will be. Well, it is all about trust, trusting God. But that is one of my main problems, I don’t know where to reach out my ow hands and where to sit back and wait.

One other huge drama: I have to finish the school I am in right now and build something for my self, for the company I work, for the community I am in, before I get to move on. I love Journalism, but my heart is not in the right place and I wonder when it will ever be. I just can’t get used to the idea that things aren’t going my way and might never go that way.
I found myself in a place I craved to be and still I am reaching towards, yearning for something else, wondering why I can’t be satisfied with today. Of course I can do more, of course I believe I was meant for what I am longing for, but really, I believe that in order to find rest in what I desire, I have to appreciate what I have to settle with. It seems like my heart can’t be wrapped around today, untill that today is filled with what my own heart yearns.

I also wonder when I ever will find peace in God. Of course I love him and know He is looking out for me, but, my part is as good as void.

I am tired. Tired of aspiring, of dreaming of fearing.
The thing is, I know that in favor of God and myself, I will land in that life. But I am afraid. Afraid to think that it’s really what I want. Afraid to take the actions to get there, afraid that I will have to wait longer, that I won’t be sattisfied, that I will have to crawl back, that it won’t be what I imagined. Afraid that it will mean that I have been wasting my time all this time, afraid to not leave a legacy behind where I am right now. Afraid of discomfort.

It would be so much easier to just wait and have everything happen, but nothing would be worthwile.

I love myself, I love my full self, so, I will continue meditating and seeking Gods face on how this thing will happen.

Oh, and God is guilty on this one, because He is constantly giving me dreams of break-througs and new beginnings. I am grateful though.

My knees are trembling as I have to take a leap of faith.
I know God will be with me wherever I go, but I want everything to count. I don’t want to be one to give up easy and turn back fast. Too bad I can’t crawl back in my seat, curl up and make the world give me one huge break while everything I need gets delivered to my feet. I will be proven wrong if I turn away, I will be left with nothing at hand, none of which I want to experience. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I just have to work hard to get where I want to be.

Friday nights

There it is today,
that feeling that all is well. That one thing or two went well and everything else is going to be fine. That there are no more worries.
That I succeeded, that I matter to myself, that I am and my life is great, that I can do anything. A sense of belonging, existing, being. I like it.
But, the bad thing is that it is a temporary thing. Tommorrow or the day after, maybe even tonight, I might loose it.
More than half the time, I feel lost, swifting, wavering between who I am, who I want to be, who I used to be and who I am meant to be, my full potential (in Gods eyes).

Where does this feeling come from, you might wonder.
I am in a balletclass for beginning young adults and adults and yesterday I had a test.
We all got two to three weeks to do a choreography of two minutes.
I stressed over it because I doubted myself and the One who did give me the talent to dance. I know, that’s terrible.
It is the absolute first time I choreographed a dance and praise God that it was just two minutes!
The stressing had a good part, it actually means that I care about that talent and take the classes seriously. But it also means that I didn’t trust God enough, because every christian dancer, or better said, every dancer in a relationship with God, should rely on the lead of the Holy Spirit for anything, so in this case a choreography.
And guess what? I made my teacher smile and even laugh a little. I think I surprised her. That was very cool. So, I thank God for the one three months I spent taking Jazz -ballet classes in church and Sharmalee Kasanpawiro has been a wonderful teacher.
I have had an unpleasant break in my dans-worship career and it was ground-breaking for even more doubt and insecurity in my life, but heeey, God is good.
I feel re-confirmed as a dancer. I could walk around shining bright all day.
So, dances and choreographies will come and go, it is my job to maintain the joy and the security this brought in my life.

This post is also the first in a new category of blog posts, called ‘Friday NIghts’.
Friday Nights are important till now, because those are the nights I take dans lessons and mostly hang out.
I will also write about friendships in my life in this blog.
I feel very tempted to write more, but till next post.