Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two,  because I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.

What breaks my heart is that I wonder if this world really is the place I want to bring children into.
Having a family is a wonderful, tiring but wonderful experience I hope to go through one day. But when I look around me, it seems that the desire to have a family alone is not enough. I am discouraged by deaths that don’t make sense, murders, divorces, disease, mental states that people can get in. And I wonder ‘is it all worth it’, do I even have time for all that? Most of the time my thinking is that it will happen when it happens, but at times I wonder if I not better just steer away from it all.

I see people my age and younger getting into relationships and starting families as if it is no big deal. For example a couple that does not know what faith to bring their child up in. Although that doesn’t have to be a problem, you can save yourself so much agony by talking about stuff before getting involved.

Anyway, I think that that is just life ain’t it?

In the afternoons (1)

The day before, I came home with her and went straight to bed.
She cleaned up the house, doing what my sister didn’t get to do in the morning and prepared a meal. I was feeling so tired, but didn’t get much sleep. Instagram and Pinterest got the better part of the deal, even though I kept refreshing because there wasn’t that much interesting stuff. Afterwards I went out and got my sister from work and don’t remember what else we did that night and when I went to bed.

Today we didn’t get to go home together. I had a meeting with a few colleagues, so she left before me. When I got home, everything was quiet and the front door was shut. I called her and she didn’t answer the first time. She was taking a shower, but quickly put on a robe to come meet me because she thought I told her to come meet me. When she was walking back I saw how tired she looked, it was something about the way she walked.

She was really tired though. On one side of her head she had three corn braids and the other was in a hairband. ‘Remnants’ of a visit to a little cousin the day before. She couldn’t get the job done, because other visitors arrived and they were going to pray. My mother hit the couch and I took some Haitian castor oil for her outgrown roots, that would otherwise hurt when I tried to part sections. While braiding the second row she already fell asleep beneath my hands. We did get to talk a little before she slipped asleep. We talked about weddings that are coming up. The little cousin that started the braids, but first the daughter of a good friend of hers are about to tie the knot later this year. Expenses. She wants to fix her teeth, her face and has no idea what to do about her hair. She has been bleaching, so have I. We thought the bleaching products would remove acne. But I soon discovered the terror of those products when I realized the acne became more aggressive after the product was used up and mom didn’t get to buy me any. That was about a decade ago. But now and then friends talk her into using the horrible substances. I keep warning her about it, but I think I’ll just have to help her practice healthy lifestyle by buying her the more beneficial beauty products.

But I kind of worry about her faithfulness towards their use.
Now she’s fast asleep and I take some green beans and clean them. My sister is still at work. We are home alone. I have to go get my sister and we are going to our friends’ house. But I don’t want to leave my mom alone. Either ways, I decide to finish the ‘bean cleaning’ at my friends and go take a bath. Soon enough we get company. When entering my room after the shower I hear another younger cousin in the house and upon getting dressed, I hear my father clearing his throat. Hooray, I say.

My mom is awake and she is not upset about my sister and I going to our friends. We usually stay late and our parents don’t agree on that. But it’s just something we can’t help. I hate that I don’t get to see my parents a lot, because mom leaves early for the marketplace, she’s a vendor, dad leaves before me too but I might see him for 5 minutes. When getting back home, I usually leave for my friends’ or something else. When I do stay at home, I go pick my sister up and when we get back home, they might be asleep.

It’s just that I miss them. I miss a version of them that might have never existed. A version of them that doesn’t work hard and is at peace by being home and not having to go to work. They just work so hard and I feel like they don’t have too. Spending time with them, just sitting and talking about stuff is priceless. I like harassing my mother’s acne and teasing her to come sleep beside me. She never does, because she says I’ll make her warm. She can’t stand the heat/too much warmth because of her hypertension. Translating the news, chatting is how I enjoy my father’s company most.

They’re golden people to my heart, but there will always be dust about them and that dust is worth more than gold. It’s the cost of my life, our existence, my education, my health and everything else that I am. My siblings and I. Under their nails is never clean, because of the culmination of dust over all the years. Dust from the land they cultivate, the rope of his cows. The products that she sells and buys. That dust settles on and underneath their skin and clothes they work in and never leaves. It makes them not want to leave their profession. It is all they know, kind of.

I sometimes wonder how it will be when they are no more, what I will remember them like. I wonder are they happy? What are they hiding? I will hate for them to not know my children and enjoy each others company when they get older than this. But I know I have strength to let go of my people of soil. I wonder how my relationship will be with the soil, when they’re gone. I could very well go before them. But I would hate that for them. They’ve given too much to see me be.

Epiphany

As I back the car up I think of the people left in the house. The men. Okay, there is one girl, but she doesn’t appear on my mind. I think of who they are and what they are all about. It felt like a short summary of them. And the summary said ‘this girl, driving this car stands on her own’. And that isn’t a bad thing at all. You know, you can grow up and have a lot of expectations from others. But as this summary was revealed to me I felt it was something I knew all along and stopped worrying about. I felt peaceful about it.

My father’s done his part. Leaving his home, traveling to another country for a better future. Making sure his children understand the importance of education and culture. My cousin is with us and helps now and then. Respects us to certain lengths and that’s it. I used to want a family that is very close. Where everyone is free to be who they are. Peaceful, usual fights, but nothing we can’t handle. Well, my family is pretty much that way, but we are not that close.

The best thing is, when this year was about to start and even in the first week of the year I felt a bit void. Void, troubled, confused and tired. Tired of things I wanted to change immediately. I’m still looking forward to better days, but the weight on my shoulder has become lighter. In the troubles of life, I love to come out as a winner, but one simply can’t keep winning. Well, the actual thing that makes you a tough winner is when you have the courage to acknowledge what battles to fight fiercely and what battles to just survive. Though I’m afraid of loss, I can deal with it.

Right now, I have a sense of what is important. I already feel the direction I’ll be heading this year. When I was little I used to watch a lot of TV. I still remember all the Saturdays, empty Saturdays, I just spent in front of the telly. Waking up, eating, TV, sleep, TV and so on. Of course there was playing and daydreaming! I used to feel so connected to those days, as if I missed them a lot and wanted to go back somehow. But now I feel they are officially over and I can move on.

I believe my spirit understands (from God’s spirit) that it is time to move on. I wanted the empty days of my childhood back, because I feared responsibility. Now I think I’m ready to live my own life. Standing up tall when facing adversary’s, making my own decisions when there is an issue in the family, at work, church and generally in life.  My new era has started. I am so curious as to what life, my life will become. I hope I’ll feel less like I have to control everything. I hope I’ll become a better manager of whatever there is to manage. I can be a little pig at times and I don’t intend on changing that. By that I mean that I’m unorganized and so on. It’s perfect this way.

These days, maybe because it’s so rainy, my head is clearer and with that my vision also. I want to take things at hand and mold my life myself. But yeah, life will go as it’s meant to be. For every bad thing that is allowed to enter my life, I have the opportunity to make it golden. Chaos, bad and ugly will come, but new vision will rise too.

It’s strange that the little moment I had in my car is something I haven’t searched for, but needed. It’s something so many people are seeking in resolutions and spiritualism. My epiphany came with putting my vehicle in gear and reflecting on two figures in my life. I have stopped believing in resolutions. One: because I’m way to chaotic to live by a checklist and two, because I know things will fall into place at the right time.

So, 2014 and whatever number of years that are to come, here’s my smile. You’ll be worth my while.

Tears to strength

I used to wonder whether they remembered. And ask myself how they cope. 

My parents lost two babies. A boy and a girl; stillborn. I loved them before they came. I cried over them in the weeks after their stillbirth and 12 and 13 years after and found out putting them away, somewhere deep down, didn’t shrink my love for them. That after so many years, as I grew to understand love, I loved them more and I could be a better sister. 

But they’re gone and left me to be a better little sister for our older sister and brother. As I would gladly teach them to be a good and worthy son and daughter, I became a better daughter to our parents. 

I knew that back then my parents were hurt and disappointed in the course life had taken.  But several years later, when my own flood gates broke, triggered by something I’d never expect, I wondered where their tears went. And, unexpectedly I saw. 

I saw my mother’s tears. We had three girls staying with us for seven months, they left us one by one. My parents had to clear their room so my sister and I could sleep on a bed, they moved downstairs. As the last girl left, we all claimed our rooms back. She and my cousin were moving her stuff back up and I was taking a nap. Suddenly I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong, when I couldn’t close my eyes anymore. I just couldn’t and just knew something was going on. 

A few seconds after I finished the battle with my eyes I heard her sobbing. Loudly. Brokenheartedly. I heard the last words come out her chest after the flood took over her voice. I asked what was wrong, but my cousin had a saddened anger on her face and shrugged her shoulders in an ‘I don’t know’ (she didn’t tell me anything). I asked my mom what she was crying about, she shook her head and after a second time she answered that she remembered something. I touched her head and let her cry. There wasn’t anything I could do, I knew it was alright. I knew she remembered. 

It is okay to cry. It is okay to mourn what you have lost and I am glad her heart didn’t bury them too far down to become numb. I’m not too worried about my father’s tears, because he might have a whole different way of coping. I think he may cry sometimes when he’s alone with his cattle or so. He is such a brave man and I admire him. 

So this weekend, I hope I always remember the tears I saw. That those tears were kept in a heart that never got tired to sigh. A heart that loves hard and remembers bravely. 

And my tears? My tears are wept and might be wept again. My tears have turned in strength and gratitude. This strength is that I will not just be, but I will commit to loving and caring. Loving and caring for those that enter my life and my care, as much as I can. I won’t just let people get away with carelessness or ignorance, but I will care enough to speak up and correct what is wrong or given less. This gratitude is that I will keep learning from my mistakes as a daughter, younger sister, friend and maybe someday a mother. 

We all have pasts that hurt, that we don’t understand. But we get to choose to stand under grace that gives us strength to grow out of the pain and overcome. 

Faith is Growth

A few minutes ago, my head was full of them. But now all the words have gone hiding. Standing behind the trees that are worry, memories, concerns, tasks etc. 

This morning I read a blog post of a lady who learned that her daughter will be born with multiple complications and by God’s grace, she got to decide, together with her husband and family to become larger than the pain. I fear for what may happen to my children in my womb when I am ‘there’. I dream of having a family one day, happily not obsessed, but in my spirit I just know that it is something very precious to have and to be in. I am scared about weather or not I will carry healthy children. My mother had two stillborn baby’s after me. I know that doesn’t have to be the case with me, but still. I am learning to trust God about this. 

Being the person that I am, I know that whatever comes my way I will throw myself upon making the best of it. But when it comes to children that I’d bear, I am afraid. I want them to be completely healthy and sound. I know I can trust that God wants the best for me and will give me a complete healthy keen. But I know that God’s will is perfect and He might allow anything in my life. It only depends on how I choose to take it. Sigh. I am not sorry for all mothers who have had baby’s in ways they didn’t expect or rather would not. I am rather sorry for those who haven’t felt Gods love and grace in such a way that they can enjoy every bit of imperfectness. Thus said, I should apologize to myself, for my fear and insecurity. 

God is everywhere. I can choose to see Him as He is or to give into my limited sight, blocked by fear. 

As for the words that left, they came into appearance, one by one, step by step and gradually as short floods. They made this post. This is also something to see God in, that I can gradually appear to Him. Phase by phase learning to trust Him, step by step, growing in faith. 

Ailment

I wonder why you let your heart slip

and fall

Glide into this unknown, slippery shadow land of hurtful lies

I loved you, I did

I cared for you and my heart gave itself with my full consent

But you snatched your heart from me

after all those years of deliberately loving and sharing

Now I know the door of your heart was unlocked and that all the love I bestowed on you fell,

fell hard on the ground after your two hands got too full to hold against me. 

I still love you, I do

My heart is devastated at your brutal escape

I don’t know how and I don’t when, but I am hoping for your comeback. 

But while you’re at it; your pretentious revolution, I hope I learn how to meet you halfway, so all those

years, all my heart, all my love and my navel will not be to waste. 

I still love you, meat of my flesh. 

Baby

You’re a piece of me
Like no one else and nobody

You’re a piece of me,
you thrill me with ecstasy

teeth over lips,
Breath in a haze

Adrenaline sent ablaze

Be my daughter or son
Always part of me
me, always part of you

Be my mother or my father,
always part of me
me, always part of you

Or a lover,
Or a soulmate,
Or a good friend
Or a sibbling

The spirit of Christmass

Within a few days, it will be that time of the year.
People are thinking about buying and receiving gifts, diners, goodwill, evaluation of the past 300 something days and new ideas for those ahead.

There is something called the spirit of Christmass, that everyone seems to be looking for, waiting for, aiming on this season. It is something we can’t touch or fully lay a finger on. It is in the air, it is in our hearts and might be stirred by commercials and calendars, snow, rain, family.

So what’s the case with me?
I honestly think I have faked the idea of the spirit of christmass.
Or I am wrong about the idea of what the christmass spirit is or is supposed to be. I have gradually felt the feeling of this spirit growing thinner every year, since I don’t know when.
Someone said it’s just me getting older. I don’t know about that, it could be true.

My idea of the spirit of christmass was close to what I saw on the telly, as the British would say. But as I roamed the streets of Paramaribo it would be the fierce sun, dj’s playing christmass songs I’d hear or see on the same telly, people buying loads of stuff, diners, parties, food, new clothes, church visit and lighting candles.The end of the year and the start of the next was never not a part of christmass. But those dj’s, who used play for stores, have gradually vanished, the weather is still lovely, has in fact become more lovely, the songs in the telly have changed a little. But I have also grown weary of all the diners, all the gatherings, I am greatful for the church, but the congregations have an emptyness to me, nothing extra, nothing special. Yes, I am glad Christ came and He lived to die and rise again for me, but the magic of all of that is broken for me. It’s not there anymore, maybe because I grew up, as someone said.

Now, I have decided to make the best of the season that was appointed, by some catholic athorities, to my Saviour. So, at the end of this week, I will have dinner with people I love and enjoy myself to the fullest. Enjoy their company, be a good host when I have to and share happy moments with them.

For evryone else that comes my way, I wish you a merry christmass with your loved ones and strangers, and a powerful new year. A year when you will work towards your goals and find love.

Dark

It’s dark outside,
My heart is ailing,
I can’t let go
You’re in my arms
But not with me
What am I supposed to do
If I promised to hold on
So I will
Even if I sent you off
And you actually left
I will have you here
You’ll remain still
Even after the strongest storm
Even after the heaviest rain
Yeah, you know, you will
Right here, remain
Nothing can wash you away
You’re part of me
I carry my heart on my shoulders
Won’t give it to you
But you’ll not see how hard it bleeds
And after that the scars
Even now that you’re walking above the stars
You won’t see
You won’t hear
You won’t feel

I’ll only bear

You,
Here in my arms,
But still, not with me