Imaginary haunting

I am meeting you again.
Why are you in this place
Why can I not find you in an actual location
where I can stick out my hands,
reach, touch and grab hold of you.
You are always so fleeting,
wavering before my face
enticing my curiosity
but right before I get to you
you are already long gone

What are you doing way up there
in the blue sky with sheep white clouds
Why do you pound my heart so hard
How come I cannot find you
in the places my hands can reach,
touch and grab a hold of you.
Do I have a right to be angry
at your fleeting flirting
or rather brutal messing
with my head.

I just wish that
when the sun shines like this
and the sky is sheep white and light blue like this
you are not just an image in my head
but a beautiful vessel
for my body to dwell
for my eyes to behold
my fingers to touch
and my hands to hold.


Summer flashes

Sometimes you go back in your memory and find things you wish you had left behind. The memory is something fascinating, magical and somewhat scary.
Over the past few weeks, I didn’t have to go back in my memory, but my memory can back/up to me. I relieved fractions of moments I never ever could have dug up by myself, no matter how hard I searched. Maybe they are things I’ve kept buried. As I have a huge interest in mysteries and details, I’d want to get to the bottom of this whole bigger picture. Because I don’t believe it’s just random memories. There is a great chance there is more to this. To me it feels like something huge is about to happen. Maybe it’s a silent wish of the drama queen in me, so be it.
I am experiencing vivid flashbacks of past summers. Now look, summer isn’t a real season where I live, but I can compare, because it’s all those very sunny days, steaming hot, when I was om vacation. I feel like I am about to plunge or be thrown into something that started those days. Maybe something made me forget those days and that something is gone and now I am back to normal. It would be great to get to the bottom of this.
It would be great to find out what fuels these flashbacks.

For a long time I have been driving myself crazy about the future and dreams about the future are what kept my mind busy. Nowadays I am in the ‘now’ and these ‘old days’ keep visiting me. I will continue to pray about it and dwell on them. I just felt I had to write about it and I know I am not done with them or rather they are not done with me.
My sister says it’s my sub conscience releasing things I tried to hold on to and maybe it’s my sub-conscience releasing these moments, because it knows I will go on vacation again and enjoy summer.

Here’s what I also think. Maybe it’s my mind reminding me of these past summers. Releasing them inside of me, because it knows I have enjoyed them, am looking forward to them and that they hold so much and mean a lot to me.
I am sure it will all be alright.


Ik ren naar de keuken. Deze tas mag niet overal liggen, alleen ik mag erin.
Het bewaart een levend geheim, een dat dood kan en ook eeuwig kan leven.

Wanneer de tas open valt, kijk ik naar de stips met de dag-aanduidingen. De verschillende dagen die ik heb overgeslagen.
Trouw zijn kan ik gewoon niet. Tenminste niet aan bittere dingen.
Terwijl het water door mijn keel zakt, leun ik achterover op mijn stoel en sluit ik mijn ogen.
Ik zie de nachten voor mijn ogen voorbijflitsen. Ik zie mezelf zitten achter de computer, niet bezig met wat ik bezig moet zijn.
Hoe ik in de vooravond mijn tas op de bank gooide en rechtstreeks naar mijn bed liep in volle uitrusting.
Geen kast die mijn schoenen zag, geen mat die mijn voeten voelde. Rond middernacht had ik een vluggertje met de keuken.
De ijskast keek mij nooit lief aan vanuit zijn grote witte gezicht. Zolang het maar werkte.
Voor ik plaats nam achter de laptop was de hele wereld een droom, eentje waarin ik mij graag waande. Maar.
Nu, bijna een jaar verder, zijn de strips het levende bewijs van wat er is overgebleven van de droom en mijn verlangens.
Ik heb een tocht door de wereld gedaan zonder haar te betreden.
Het licht van mijn kamer was mijn duisternis en de koelte van de zitkamer was mijn vlucht.
Ergens gaat een bel, ik sta op. De laptop moet nu aan de stroom.

Dance goal

Today there will be another friday night, like all those fridays past and I didn’t update you. I have spent the last fridays, waking up, rushing to work, typing news items, surfing the internet, agreeing and arguing with my colleagues, praying, hoping, dreaming, dancing, driving, practicing, hoping and in the company of a dear dance friend.
She and I have met before, we know eachother from our former youthgroup, where we used to be in the praiseteam together. But she left early. We didn’t really have a connection, but now we are ‘dance friends’. She and I are practicing for a dance we will perfrom during passover at church. Every year our church hosts a huge passover conference for churches in our region that were born out of our ministry. Friday and saturday night and sunday morning hundreds of people, mostly believers, will gather to worship and remember the broken body of Christ, the wine He poured and the bread He offered to heal our brokennes, reunite us with the Father. Each day there will be displays of talent, call it performances, to show how great God is through art.
She and I have been practicing for about three weeks now and we’ve gotten pretty far. Need to figure a few things out first, but we’re getting there. We both believe that everything we do and get to put in this dance is grace from God. He is the One who gave us the talent and creativity.
We have been spending lots of time together, talking, practicing, eating, drinking and shopping. I don’t believe I met her again by accident. I always believe God has a purpose when He brings people together, who have been apart for a while. So I am quite enthusiastic about our journey to the performance. Jeremy Camp will sing (throug the sound installations) and we will minister with our moves. We hope God brings healing to people, I don’t want a sensational performance, but to minister and lift Christ up, so people with broken harts find healing. Maybe not instantly, while we dance, but by remembering the dance, the choreography and the words.
I hope I can upload a movie of the performance to upload on this page, just for you, reader. So now I go back to work, finish up, go find money in a wall and walk to dance classes and enjoy the night, this fridaynight.