My days are on charts of the Creator

My days feel like charts on a board of the Creator.
They are never the same in a row.
I believe that I may have a set of three to five different days in a week.
When I say day, I mean the way they feel to me.
I don’t think I have a disease or syndrome, but when I read about people with syndromes, I understand this better.
There are ‘feathery’ days, ‘I’m angry, don’t touch me’ days, ‘everything will work out fine’ days and maybe some more that I haven’t quite figured out yet. I may have ‘feathery’ today, ‘leave me alone’ tomorrow and then maybe something ‘normal’ (what is normal) and the day after ‘normal’ I get ‘all will be fines’. I also have days when I feel so distant from the ‘now’, as if my soul is trying to plunge into the future. On those days, my mind’s eye is in distant places that are both physical and non- physical. Then I feel like I am seeking shelter from I’m not sure what. Shelter and I guess assurance. These days might start out looking like feathery days, but last longer and feel a little bit different. Some ‘distance’ days, I have a lot of art on my mind. In a previous blog post I mentioned museums and travel, I see myself dancing (ballet or something contemporary), painting and feel like writing. Maybe those are the days my soul seeks (taking) flight.
The name ‘feathery’ comes from the way the clouds look on such days. The sun will shine from a blue sky and there will be a few little white clouds. On those days, my outlook to the world is positive and my mindset is ‘I can do this’. But it also feels as if I am in this big bubble and I slightly fear it might break.
‘I’m angry, don’t touch me’ occurs at the moment I wake up. I may or may not be in a stressful situation. On those days I am extra unfriendly, don’t feel like talking to anyone and just feel as if I’m alone on my planet and have to handle stuff myself. Anyone that tries to approach me is a threat.
‘Everything will work out fine’s’ are when I am generally positive. I may be i a stressful situation, but have the power to focus on positive things. I feel quite careless and have extra positivity to brighten up other people’s days. Then I am most likely to smile to strangers and laugh off people and stuff that would normally irritate me.
The thing about these days is that, only people I care a lot about can break through and bring me back to ‘okay, you’re human’. These days generally feel this way up until around noon. By then I will mostly have engaged into work or been ‘neutralized’ by a friend or mostly my sister.
On ‘leave me alone’ I restrain myself from contact on social media, because I am very irritable and have a negative mindset. And believe me, for the Christians out there that might point out that ‘quiet time’ will change this. I have tried and it doesn’t necessarily do so.
I used to worry and wonder whether I was ill. I wanted to grow up and be just one constant way, but I have found out that straight lines can be very boring. I prefer beautiful chaos and colorful disorder.
I don’t trouble myself too much about these occurrences anymore, because I believe I am a person in development. I might remain this way or I might grow out of it. Most importantly, I love myself in every way. Not because I don’t need to become better at being myself, but because that is the foundation of true love.
I understand that the Creator loves me, so why would I leave loving myself to others? Why would you?
‘The self’ is something everyone has to get to know and try to understand for (inner) peace.
I would love to hear or read about other people going through these motions. Are there actually people out there that feel the same everyday?

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Longing

I can’t help but feel
like something is either broken
or missing
and I’m not even sure what it is

It feels like
my heart is full of tears
that also fill the atmosphere

Feels like I should have been on a border somewhere
with my bag packed on my back
and my back turned to
familiar land

I don’t know what it is
but something
has definitely changed.

Onthulling

Ik ren naar de keuken. Deze tas mag niet overal liggen, alleen ik mag erin.
Het bewaart een levend geheim, een dat dood kan en ook eeuwig kan leven.

Wanneer de tas open valt, kijk ik naar de stips met de dag-aanduidingen. De verschillende dagen die ik heb overgeslagen.
Trouw.
Trouw zijn kan ik gewoon niet. Tenminste niet aan bittere dingen.
Terwijl het water door mijn keel zakt, leun ik achterover op mijn stoel en sluit ik mijn ogen.
Ik zie de nachten voor mijn ogen voorbijflitsen. Ik zie mezelf zitten achter de computer, niet bezig met wat ik bezig moet zijn.
Hoe ik in de vooravond mijn tas op de bank gooide en rechtstreeks naar mijn bed liep in volle uitrusting.
Geen kast die mijn schoenen zag, geen mat die mijn voeten voelde. Rond middernacht had ik een vluggertje met de keuken.
De ijskast keek mij nooit lief aan vanuit zijn grote witte gezicht. Zolang het maar werkte.
Voor ik plaats nam achter de laptop was de hele wereld een droom, eentje waarin ik mij graag waande. Maar.
Nu, bijna een jaar verder, zijn de strips het levende bewijs van wat er is overgebleven van de droom en mijn verlangens.
Ik heb een tocht door de wereld gedaan zonder haar te betreden.
Het licht van mijn kamer was mijn duisternis en de koelte van de zitkamer was mijn vlucht.
Ergens gaat een bel, ik sta op. De laptop moet nu aan de stroom.

Birthday Wish

Even before this year started I knew that I have to make my birthday special this year.

First of all, because I will turn 22 on the eleventh day of the eleventh year in the millennium and I was born at eleven o’clock in the last year before the last year of the 80’s.

Awesome.
Now numerology explains that eleven is the last before a new beginning and 12 is a new beginning.
Anyways, if I understood a bible study teacher well, God has that principle too. (Latter rain something).

Second of all, who else will? I mean I decide what any day of my life looks like, right?

So, I will go on a trip, all alone.
I will arrange a cab, a lodge somewhere and I think I’ll eat at the local restaurant. I’m thinking a local place.

I will take with me a bottle of wine, a note book, my bible, some nice, comfy clothes, my photo camera, maybe a laptop and of course my cell phone for internet updates at the end of the days.

Oh and it will be a weekend.
Well, maybe you’d say ‘well, what’s so special about your einzel trip?
Well, I am special about it. I will go on an einzel trip for the first time (I hope I can do something before that).
Anyways, I am looking forward to being all alone and absorb nature and quietness, all by myself. How great will that be!

Do you have suggestions?

Post a comment or just say it when u see me.

Thanx for reading this 😉

I hope you had or will have a wonderful birthday this year just the way you want(ed) it.