Who I am

Who I am? I don’t always have an answer to that question. All I know is that at times there’s a lot of mumbling in my head. And I can’t figure out who on God’s planet earth is speaking and what is actually being said. 

Some days I thirst and hunger for achievement, as if that is what I need in stead of a breath. And now and then. Though very rarely, do I come across a silence. That surrenders ages and constellations to speak. Not knowing where it cometh from, nor where it descends….I pray for peace with an empty timetable in my hands. 

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Again

Could you lift my feet from where I am standing, for I feel I’m falling.

Would you give me strength to rise from under this burden that makes me lower my beautiful head?

My eyes search in the distance for help, for truth. Failing my altar, leaving the incense unlit.

I fear my heart will give me up. Where have I left you when love found its way out my heart?

My lungs have run dry from crying out. The piercing in my soul has turned me pale.

From where can I run and hide into you.

Though I know that soon I’ll find you here.

Your arms wrapped around me and my heartbeat steady on your chest.

My arms to weak to strike your face. My eyes too damp to meet your fiery gaze. 

Run to me, would You? My knees are to weak to carry me further, I am not strong enough for this battle.

Hide me in You. Again.

 

 

 

Epiphany

As I back the car up I think of the people left in the house. The men. Okay, there is one girl, but she doesn’t appear on my mind. I think of who they are and what they are all about. It felt like a short summary of them. And the summary said ‘this girl, driving this car stands on her own’. And that isn’t a bad thing at all. You know, you can grow up and have a lot of expectations from others. But as this summary was revealed to me I felt it was something I knew all along and stopped worrying about. I felt peaceful about it.

My father’s done his part. Leaving his home, traveling to another country for a better future. Making sure his children understand the importance of education and culture. My cousin is with us and helps now and then. Respects us to certain lengths and that’s it. I used to want a family that is very close. Where everyone is free to be who they are. Peaceful, usual fights, but nothing we can’t handle. Well, my family is pretty much that way, but we are not that close.

The best thing is, when this year was about to start and even in the first week of the year I felt a bit void. Void, troubled, confused and tired. Tired of things I wanted to change immediately. I’m still looking forward to better days, but the weight on my shoulder has become lighter. In the troubles of life, I love to come out as a winner, but one simply can’t keep winning. Well, the actual thing that makes you a tough winner is when you have the courage to acknowledge what battles to fight fiercely and what battles to just survive. Though I’m afraid of loss, I can deal with it.

Right now, I have a sense of what is important. I already feel the direction I’ll be heading this year. When I was little I used to watch a lot of TV. I still remember all the Saturdays, empty Saturdays, I just spent in front of the telly. Waking up, eating, TV, sleep, TV and so on. Of course there was playing and daydreaming! I used to feel so connected to those days, as if I missed them a lot and wanted to go back somehow. But now I feel they are officially over and I can move on.

I believe my spirit understands (from God’s spirit) that it is time to move on. I wanted the empty days of my childhood back, because I feared responsibility. Now I think I’m ready to live my own life. Standing up tall when facing adversary’s, making my own decisions when there is an issue in the family, at work, church and generally in life.  My new era has started. I am so curious as to what life, my life will become. I hope I’ll feel less like I have to control everything. I hope I’ll become a better manager of whatever there is to manage. I can be a little pig at times and I don’t intend on changing that. By that I mean that I’m unorganized and so on. It’s perfect this way.

These days, maybe because it’s so rainy, my head is clearer and with that my vision also. I want to take things at hand and mold my life myself. But yeah, life will go as it’s meant to be. For every bad thing that is allowed to enter my life, I have the opportunity to make it golden. Chaos, bad and ugly will come, but new vision will rise too.

It’s strange that the little moment I had in my car is something I haven’t searched for, but needed. It’s something so many people are seeking in resolutions and spiritualism. My epiphany came with putting my vehicle in gear and reflecting on two figures in my life. I have stopped believing in resolutions. One: because I’m way to chaotic to live by a checklist and two, because I know things will fall into place at the right time.

So, 2014 and whatever number of years that are to come, here’s my smile. You’ll be worth my while. Image

Disfraut

There’s a hush to the confusion in my soul
my shattered beings have been made quiet

Every time they rise to arouse
they’re told to hush with an overwhelming ‘shh’

They mutter in silence
suffering in a longing to break away from the humming

But my pain, my chaos and confusion are not allowed to speak
They’ve been handed a pencil, fine liner and a drawing book
for distraction and quiet action.