I feel like I have to stitch my heart back together
I saw the future and it hurt my eyes
I saw the truth and my heart exploded
No way to explain it
Greatness is the only word that fills my mouth
You are there
You are here
You have always been
You are truth
You might have seen or read my latest blog posts. The ones about how my idea of marriage is being washed clean and inspired by God.
In those posts I may have made clear that I was restless about somebody I like. I have surprised myself. Maybe it is more accurate to say that my feelings have surprised me.
Sometimes I would be so sure that God was talking to me or giving me signs about this guy. But at other times I would feel rather unintelligent for my way of thinking. I felt like I was being illogical and immature. I used to worry and pray and pray and worry and write and talk, ask questions and adjust and start all over again. But it has been quiet in my head for a while.
I am not sure how long this will last, but I don’t get anxious about a possible future with this person anymore. I still think about him everyday. Well, he might pop up in my mind now and then throughout the day, but the restlesness has subdued. My thoughts have changed from ‘this has to happen and now is the time’ into ‘God has got this and He will come through when He comes through’.
The fact of the matter is that now I know that this type of relationship will be part of my future, whether near or far (right now I think far). I really love how God has allowed me to learn that it is all okay. All the feelings, all the hope and that He loves to hear about all of them and also loves to take action when I feel like I am drowning. I believe that this peacefulness that I am experiencing is from prayer. Because I have prayed to be at rest.
Now, I don’t know how I will react if I would ever meet this guy again and if we would talk. I might need divine ‘calmation’ and ‘wisdomification’ for those moments, lol. But whatever happens then, because of my God who is more than my helper, what is meant to be will be.
I still don’t know what exactly will happen, I mean what I am supposed to do in the next 5 months and next year in terms of my career. I am getting an itsy bitsy more anxious about that. I used to feel secure about the coming end of my current job, because (I’ve said this before) God let me know beforehand. (If He knew and let me know it will be something good). But I feel like I am losing faith in His word because I have no idea how and when He is going to do what He will do. He has also made me know that He will come through, but I haven’t the slightest idea when. How long after the end will He come through, will it be before the actual end, at the actual end, a year after?
Questions only ‘time’ will answer. But one thing I have learned in this ‘guy situation’ is that even if I did know…having my heart anchored in and my hope focussed on the substance rather than the provider, would have always caused fear and with that doubt and with that unbelief and with that works of the flesh.
If God ain’t good, than I don’t know what good is.
I hoped it was love
Every time your spirit
Payed my eyes a visit
I hoped it was love
Everytime I saw you
In my dreams
I hope it is love
When your mother
Smiles
At me in my dreams
I hope it is love
When I cannot breath
As my mind ignores
My senses
And dwells of
To behold you
I hope it is love
All these sleepless nights
This restlesness
This hope
This fear
I hope it is love
Taking me back
All the way back
When time froze you
In front of me
I hope it is love
That brings you back to me
That brings me back to you
Sometimes we’re left
with a lump of hope
on our hearts
And it is all
we have
All we get to put in
All we pull our smiles from
and everything we live for
Sometimes we’re left
with a lump of hope
on our hearts
making it hard to swallow
all the portions
of bitterness
making it hard to chew down
all portions of fear
we get thrown down
our breath
Sometimes
a lump of hope
is all we’ve got
I just want to go wherever you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes I’m strong. Whenever I’m lost you are my only sense of purpose. However far, however low, however deep you are.
I fail, faltering the burning of incense to calm senses. The vivid memory of your fragrance tempts my soul. How much further can we go, my heart aches to know. How deep does desperation last, let me know. Who knew how fearful this brave heart would get.
Here I am, caught with you. Light descends, all time ends.
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I would want to say thank you
I would want to give a kiss
I would like to hug
or just in any simple way, show my gratitude
I would like to look into the eyes
of the one who looked
into my broken soul,
ever gave me a voice
ever held me tight
ever gave me shelter
for one hour of a dark night
Someone who only nodded at me
when they have done that to you
Anyone who just understands,
I would like for them to know
that I am grateful
their hands reached where mine can’t
their words spoke into hearts
that I can’t teach
If only you’d know,
If only I could…
I’m staying alive by clinging to you
regaining live by running to you
dying, reliving
withering, renewing
that’s the story of my life,
as I choose You everyday, every single moment
to become more like You
as I think,
as I speak,
as I act
Today I might spill things that I don’t want to and might not be able to account for. But as they are in me, I have to let them out, they aren’t things that need to dwell/abide inside of me.
I am currently (not now, but these days) taking masterclasses in spoken word and I absolutely love it! But it is something new to me and unusual and it has shifted me really. The instructor has used techniques to find out what my voice and style is, so yes, we are finding that out. The first day I found out (well, rather, got proof) that I am rather profound. Second day, that I have a few other voices that need to be spoken out and this was such a relieve/surprise for me. After the first day, I felt so shaken/shifted that I had to do soul searching in order to find out where the heck that side of me came from, and the second lesson did that too. Mama mia. Those masterclasses have spurred up so many things inside of me that I could have been writing since after the first lesson till now, at least that’s the way I feel. But of course i’d be ‘out written’ after a few sentences. So this instructor, Zulile Blinker, is a very wonderful artist, an artist in her whole being man! Fascinating, she lives and breaths words and not just words..it’s arts and oh , I have no words.
Anyways, words are my thing, totally my thing. I know that words and I are one, so i hope you understand why Blinker is so fantastical to me. in other words I admire the way she has developed her gift and spills it into the universe. So she, and these days have great impact on me, and everyone I met in the masterclasses.
And there will be a showcase, right? One where there’ll be dramatic poem reading and theater-ish presentations and I won’t be there. And I have been dreaming of a moment like that for so long, but clearly not long enough. So the only way I can be part of that night is by having taken the classes and have a piece of mine performed, well, I feel like that isn’t enough, but well, what can I do. I will be somewhere else, somewhere I critically need to be. Somewhere my future depends on. I believe that I will have other opportunities to be in a poetic night with such wonderful people. I highly recommend the showcase on the tenth of September in Tori Oso. You’ll get a taste of something wonderful, I promise on behalf of myself and all the participants.
And my faith isn’t a stand in the way for me to work with Blinker and everyone else who will be there, not at all. If my faith were, then I guess I should go practice church work full time. I’m not trying to dis church or something like that (God forbid) but just trying to make clear that I don’t plan on being caught up by [‘religiousness’.
Anyways, I also wonder what will happen after the masterclasses and the showcase. I so hope that I will be able to (co-)perform another time with the same wonderful folks yeah. Wonderful, talented and inspiring. It really is a wonderful experience. I almost feel like I’m on american idol or something like that, but only way better. It’s more personal and nobody who doesn’t know anything about spoken word gets to judge what we all do.
I hope this becomes a next generation of poets, writers and critiques or something heavy and valuable like that.
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