Give me a minute

I don’t know how to say this

I don’t know what to do

I know not how to stay away from you

Since you’re the only thing that is on my mind

Though peace is the only thing I search for

If not with you, is the last thing I would wish to find. 

Yes, I am attracted to money. Money that I make myself, that is. You see, with money I get things done. Not only for myself, but for anyone who might need something and has no possible means to get to it on their own. 

Money doesn’t complete me. But money completes my plans. And my plans aren’t solely based ob my own fortune. For a great deal they are focused on those in need that are put away by those in greed. 

Money is half-ass sexy. Because with money I can change my meal plans and buy you designer pants. We might not need that stuff, but some things are nice to have now and then. 

If I learn to make my money work for me, there is really no reason I couldn’t be free to let it do so. So, yes, I like my money and I speak blessings over your stash. 

Desi Bouterse and (who that?) God

So

The Surinamese president is facing a possible 20 year jail sentence for the murder of 15 intellectuals during his military regime in the 1980’s. During his first term as president, the parliament voted a new law and granted him amnesty. Really cool, isn’t it. Now he should be able to reign without any concern and walk away from the consequences of his actions all those years ago. Whether he is the one who shot them or not, he was the leader of the country and no one else can be held more accountable for what went on in that time.

But no. He had to appear in court a few times (he never did). So, shortly after the prosecutor proposed the 20 year sentence this week, Bouterse called a meeting with his associates and followers in which he claimed that God is the one who put him in the presidential seat and that the judge cannot remove him.

In a sense, he is right though. The bible says that a people gets the leaders that reflect it. Bouterse’s name is also linked to drug trafficking. He led a dictatorship in the 1980’s and is also seen as someone who wants to get away with murder and with that injustice. I am not saying that the Surinamese people is one that is unjust and wants to get away with crime. But as a people, what are we exactly? A lot of us are hardworking. But many of us still like the idea of fast money making (not unique to Suriname). What I am saying is that we are not a clean slate people. Many of us want change, but we will be the first to jeopardize our own chance at it. We have elected someone we could recognize as one of us, that was worthy of leading us to change and a brighter future. Do many of us even know what we want?¬†Simple things as maintenance of the things we have built is already an issue. How can we achieve anything great together if that is the case?

Bouterse is a socialist all the way through. The idea(l) of socialism is indeed one that I applaud. But it seems to be a curse. Looking throughout history, the destruction that follows socialist regimes is evident throughout all continents. There is always something that goes wrong and unfortunately I don’t think the world has learned from the past at all.

And now, Bouterse, claiming that the judicial system cannot remove him because God himself made him president. I am not sure what God he is talking about. I understand that as a leader you have to stand strong and not waver too fast. But man, your people is suffering. I also understand that some challenges will remain the same, no matter what government is seated. But president Bouterse seems to believe in his own failures. He seems really disconnected from the people, sadly. Governments are a crazy thing. There will always be room for them and their friends to gain more. More money, more power at the expense of the people, no matter who is seated. Some governments manage to separate the country’s wealth at a more even rate than others. And that is when they are applauded. It is extremely frustrating for people that try to make a living to get to place where all their efforts seem fruitless because the cost of living is getting higher and higher with no real hope of and end to it. Although I don’t believe that we as a people fully understand how to prioritize, but that is a whole different story.

What I don’t understand about the God-statement Bouterse has made is, how can he drag God into this when the efforts he claims to be making, keep failing. I believe that when you walk with God, you will get (very good) direction how to handle your life and the life of those you are responsible for. Where does he leave God in that? Or the president doesn’t fully understand the concept of God. And in that case Desi Bouterse doesn’t understand that God can indeed take him out of the presidential seat.

Being a president is a hard job, especially for someone who is facing criminal sentences. But honesty and transparency can get you through a very good deal of the way. I don’t believe that Suriname as a whole is willing to be honest. Not the government and neither the people. We all get caught up in our emotions and refuse to think straight, all too often. If you ask me, I do not know what will happen or even what is supposed to happen. I do know that as a citizen I can work, prioritize, love (meaning help, sustain where I can) my neighbor. I feel like too many of us depend on the government for a better life. Of course the government is responsible and needs to be held accountable for our development. But some of us are so afraid to step out of our comfort zone, me too and maybe rightfully so.

God is God, no matter who he decides to leave in the presidential seat. God is who I depend on. He will hold the president accountable for his actions in life and me for mine.

Deep down

Deep down inside I want you because there is no other for me

But sometimes I just want you for your goods

Because I know anything you do will benefit me

Because I know having you, gives me everything.

So why not search you. Instead of seeking. 

Why not touch your hand occasionaly. Instead of making your hands marinade your love in my skin.

Deep down I want you for you. But the fleeting life is so much easier than being rooted. 

Two lessons in one tiny moment

I haven’t been enjoying God lately. I dreaded singing in church and avoided in-depth quiet time because, well, so many reasons. Things are changing (again) and I was disappointed in how I dealt with this change. So I didn’t want to face God because I thought, I didn’t deserve to (boohoohoo).

So, a logic consequence of my melodramatic choices is that everything else turns awry.¬† I started avoiding responsibility. You know, when you know what to do but you already assume you’ll mess up, so you don’t even bother trying (coward). That is exactly what my lazy behind was experiencing.

So last Sunday (yesterday), as I sat in church, I decided to let it go. To just give it a try. And God never disappoints. And I learned two things in that little moment that seemed so insignificant, in a place that doesn’t seem significant to man. But can become a major-historical turning point in my spiritual life-zone thing. If I let it.

One.

God isn’t just love. He is loving. The verb, to love, is His being. All He does, His mere existence is loving you (me), and that love is activating. The mere fact that God exists means that everything can go well for you. That everything that seems to be working against you, can be turned into good. That is what I felt in that moment and am coming to believe.

I have set a mental goal for myself to reach certain things and do certain things in my life. Everyone has goals. And one of mine is to live effectively and efficiently impact my community. I have two projects in mind that I am just so scared to start off. But this brings me the other lesson from Sunday.

I love to set a goal to get things done when I get home. But as I get home, I just slouch. Go to sleep, watch t.v. or do other meaningless things. Lesson number two: I can’t afford that any longer. Not only will I not get my life on track, but I will also remain a miserable person and make others around me miserable, only causing more misery because I will try to hold others accountable for my poor choices. I am also trying to learn how to live with disappointment with people that I actually love. Love them or leave them? What does God say. He will be with me either way. The choice is mine.

Life is a beautiful thing. There is so much to do, so much to be, achieve. And the journey is a whole other beautiful story. Be encouraged to not lose hope in yourself when you feel like you messed up. The world needs you. You need you.

Wonder

I wonder if you know

how much I love you

If you know how often

I wonder this

Even though we don’t talk all the time

Even though we don’t meet everyday

Am I falling too deep

Am I falling too hard?

never mind you being so easy to love

I just can’t help myself

I wonder.

Do you know?

So I tell you this

time and time again.

Enough, to make you believe me

with my eyes open, so you can see through me.

Do you know?

 

Who I am

Who I am? I don’t always have an answer to that question. All I know is that at times there’s a lot of mumbling in my head. And I can’t figure out who on God’s planet earth is speaking and what is actually being said. 

Some days I thirst and hunger for achievement, as if that is what I need in stead of a breath. And now and then. Though very rarely, do I come across a silence. That surrenders ages and constellations to speak. Not knowing where it cometh from, nor where it descends….I pray for peace with an empty timetable in my hands.