feelings

until the next breath

It’s here

in my head

and I’m afraid I can’t shake it

I’m tired of having to have to

Why can’t I just let it happen

take over and be whatever it wants to

go wherever it feels it should

who even cares

hasn’t it always been this way

hasn’t this always been my voice, my life’s narrative

That I can’t

That I’m tired

That of a victim

And anything else

Is just one short inhalation

to land back at where we started

when two people decided I had to be here

and I by divine power chose the time when

I’ve heard numerous voices explain to me

But I’m still the one who has to make me understand

So once again

as tired as I am

I allow myself no other choice,

get up and shake it off

take a breath and smile

awaiting the next fight

 

 

I guess I am thinking about you
If the sun doesn’t go down
I’ll be alright
because I’m thinking about you

Guess I’m thinking about you
If the moon doesn’t come out at night
I’ll be allright
because I’m thinking about you

Guess what, I am thinking of you
If the earth decides to leap around her axis
I’m still good
because you are as much here
as you are not

I am as much with you
as I am without

Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two,  because I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.

My days are on charts of the Creator

My days feel like charts on a board of the Creator.
They are never the same in a row.
I believe that I may have a set of three to five different days in a week.
When I say day, I mean the way they feel to me.
I don’t think I have a disease or syndrome, but when I read about people with syndromes, I understand this better.
There are ‘feathery’ days, ‘I’m angry, don’t touch me’ days, ‘everything will work out fine’ days and maybe some more that I haven’t quite figured out yet. I may have ‘feathery’ today, ‘leave me alone’ tomorrow and then maybe something ‘normal’ (what is normal) and the day after ‘normal’ I get ‘all will be fines’. I also have days when I feel so distant from the ‘now’, as if my soul is trying to plunge into the future. On those days, my mind’s eye is in distant places that are both physical and non- physical. Then I feel like I am seeking shelter from I’m not sure what. Shelter and I guess assurance. These days might start out looking like feathery days, but last longer and feel a little bit different. Some ‘distance’ days, I have a lot of art on my mind. In a previous blog post I mentioned museums and travel, I see myself dancing (ballet or something contemporary), painting and feel like writing. Maybe those are the days my soul seeks (taking) flight.
The name ‘feathery’ comes from the way the clouds look on such days. The sun will shine from a blue sky and there will be a few little white clouds. On those days, my outlook to the world is positive and my mindset is ‘I can do this’. But it also feels as if I am in this big bubble and I slightly fear it might break.
‘I’m angry, don’t touch me’ occurs at the moment I wake up. I may or may not be in a stressful situation. On those days I am extra unfriendly, don’t feel like talking to anyone and just feel as if I’m alone on my planet and have to handle stuff myself. Anyone that tries to approach me is a threat.
‘Everything will work out fine’s’ are when I am generally positive. I may be i a stressful situation, but have the power to focus on positive things. I feel quite careless and have extra positivity to brighten up other people’s days. Then I am most likely to smile to strangers and laugh off people and stuff that would normally irritate me.
The thing about these days is that, only people I care a lot about can break through and bring me back to ‘okay, you’re human’. These days generally feel this way up until around noon. By then I will mostly have engaged into work or been ‘neutralized’ by a friend or mostly my sister.
On ‘leave me alone’ I restrain myself from contact on social media, because I am very irritable and have a negative mindset. And believe me, for the Christians out there that might point out that ‘quiet time’ will change this. I have tried and it doesn’t necessarily do so.
I used to worry and wonder whether I was ill. I wanted to grow up and be just one constant way, but I have found out that straight lines can be very boring. I prefer beautiful chaos and colorful disorder.
I don’t trouble myself too much about these occurrences anymore, because I believe I am a person in development. I might remain this way or I might grow out of it. Most importantly, I love myself in every way. Not because I don’t need to become better at being myself, but because that is the foundation of true love.
I understand that the Creator loves me, so why would I leave loving myself to others? Why would you?
‘The self’ is something everyone has to get to know and try to understand for (inner) peace.
I would love to hear or read about other people going through these motions. Are there actually people out there that feel the same everyday?

On the verge of letting go a liking ever lost

It still bleeds.
My little heart.
In the little room I reserved for you
there is total chaos and absolute mayhem

It still bleeds,
my angry heart.
But angry For what

One might never understand why
a little thorn can hurt
a big body so much

Guess I ain’t brave enough
nah, I ain’t that tough.
All the places you were kept hidden
and all the laces built between your heart and mine

Gotta let go
Gotta move on

The memory of you
feels like sandy mud
in the palms of my hands
Don’t it
Don’t you

Like the soil under your shirt
I was so eager to get to.
Ah,already I’m thinking of you again

Gotta let go
Have to move on

You never asked this much
Didn’t think it’d take this little.