I feel like I’m in between two worlds, swifting between good and evil, drifting on quicksand and totally loosing ground. I have an issue with seeing the bigger picture and it’s tearing my world apart. Everyone has one world, one life at a time, right? And doing different things in that lifetime, doesn’t mean you are living a double, tripple or even quintle (?) life, right? But I do feel that way. I have one life, one body, one heart, but I do different things in my life and I don’t see them as one thing, I try, but it don’t work nah.
Sometimes I manage pretty well, but at times I feel like I am running a wheel to an unknown destination, a very big and heavy wheel. I appear to handle it well, enjoy myself at it, but it kills me when I dare looking inside.
And I have this crazy, but rather charming thing, that I hope at least one other person I know has too, that I see images in my mindseye of how I feel and things going on around me.
And I don’t think that actually keeping an agenda will help, because the feeling of losing control lies deeper than not knowing what’s up next. I have churchlife, faith, work, different stages of social life (why stages?, school, dreams, dance and different other talents that I’ll not mention, and I feel like I should control it all and have grip and know what’s going on every minute, everywhere…and yes, that is the perfect recipe (I actually forgot how to spell that!) for going cuckoo.
This is an underlying thing that, just like, the stages of my life, may have different layers and I know that I know how it can be solved.
Uhm, timemanagement? I feel like I cursed myself to never be able to do it.
Sometimes I feel like stopping (almost) every activity in my life, go travel or roam the world with one main purpose: come back organized. But, organized is a dirty word for me, I kinda like chaos and maybe that’s what is killing me or maybe that’s part of what is killing me. I dream of the day when I can be free and careless and do only what I love…but I dwell in Utopia too often.
Well, I will be buying an agenda to keep up with my wandering activities (they wander in my memories and very often get lost untill an alarm sounds a few hours before they take place) and that’s the only thing I can promise I will do within a month from now, to keep track of myself.
So, reader, if you have an organized life, or even slightly manage to see or keep your life and all its activities as one whole thing, congratulations. Don’t take it for granted, but know/keep in mind that you are doing something wonderful.