Who I am

Who I am? I don’t always have an answer to that question. All I know is that at times there’s a lot of mumbling in my head. And I can’t figure out who on God’s planet earth is speaking and what is actually being said. 

Some days I thirst and hunger for achievement, as if that is what I need in stead of a breath. And now and then. Though very rarely, do I come across a silence. That surrenders ages and constellations to speak. Not knowing where it cometh from, nor where it descends….I pray for peace with an empty timetable in my hands. 

Some soul

I hunger for some soul
some deep, bottomless
fiery soul
to get together
and burn down
into the depths of the highest seas
and waste away upon cliffs
and hot sandy shores

I long for some soul

Lose myself and drink away
sip, drippidy tip tip
lick my lips
pause, sigh and go on
but wait
when there is no more fire left
to elevate my senses
I’ll bathe in the ashes

wait,
Time, take my control
I have no need of this burden
I am going
for some
soul.

Today

You is beautiful. I have to write something about you today. I’ve got to tell you that I want to embrace you. Even though I might have wanted to start off differently with you. Even though I’d want to head back where we met and do it otherwise.
For, once again, you are full of magic and my whimsical thoughts are grounded and swimming in and out of you. It’s so good to behold you.
Later, when you have passed and are long gone, I will smile about you. About who you are and who you have been.
In you I can hold and could have held so many things. So many wonderful things. Things I got at and right before your birth and everything you are helping me hold right now.

You are beautiful, I just had to tell you.

Today, you’re beautiful.

Losing grip or losing it?

I feel like I’m in between two worlds, swifting between good and evil, drifting on quicksand and totally loosing ground. I have an issue with seeing the bigger picture and it’s tearing my world apart. Everyone has one world, one life at a time, right? And doing different things in that lifetime, doesn’t mean you are living a double, tripple or even quintle (?) life, right? But I do feel that way. I have one life, one body, one heart, but I do different things in my life and I don’t see them as one thing, I try, but it don’t work nah.
Sometimes I manage pretty well, but at times I feel like I am running a wheel to an unknown destination, a very big and heavy wheel. I appear to handle it well, enjoy myself at it, but it kills me when I dare looking inside.
And I have this crazy, but rather charming thing, that I hope at least one other person I know has too, that I see images in my mindseye of how I feel and things going on around me.
And I don’t think that actually keeping an agenda will help, because the feeling of losing control lies deeper than not knowing what’s up next. I have churchlife, faith, work, different stages of social life (why stages?, school, dreams, dance and different other talents that I’ll not mention, and I feel like I should control it all and have grip and know what’s going on every minute, everywhere…and yes, that is the perfect recipe (I actually forgot how to spell that!) for going cuckoo.
This is an underlying thing that, just like, the stages of my life, may have different layers and I know that I know how it can be solved.
Uhm, timemanagement? I feel like I cursed myself to never be able to do it.
Sometimes I feel like stopping (almost) every activity in my life, go travel or roam the world with one main purpose: come back organized. But, organized is a dirty word for me, I kinda like chaos and maybe that’s what is killing me or maybe that’s part of what is killing me. I dream of the day when I can be free and careless and do only what I love…but I dwell in Utopia too often.
Well, I will be buying an agenda to keep up with my wandering activities (they wander in my memories and very often get lost untill an alarm sounds a few hours before they take place) and that’s the only thing I can promise I will do within a month from now, to keep track of myself.
So, reader, if you have an organized life, or even slightly manage to see or keep your life and all its activities as one whole thing, congratulations. Don’t take it for granted, but know/keep in mind that you are doing something wonderful.

Ev’ry All

All the doors stay closed to my heart, all the words can’t tell us apart. When I leave you make yourself start, start to rise afloat.
Ev’ry day my life ain’t the same, when you’re here I recon their shame. Will the days ever pass not in pain, will my clouds once glow dark day by day.
Day by day, life goes by.
Day by day, I don’t answer to your why.
Day by day, time alone understands, at least if it really is something with teeth and with hands.