growth

Aside

Reminder for healing

Here,

Inside the dark of this gloomy room

I feel like a foetus in a mother’s womb

Looking ahead to days of the past

And all I endured, becoming who I am

When I loved like there could never be tomorrow

Only to find out that tomorrows, though never promised, always do come.

I hope that when I am born

I can love again, in a way that is solely mine

just so loves I cannot harbor, don’t take their leave with mine.

***Whenever you get attached to something or someone, whatever of whoever, letting go will take time. Remember to heal. Always take time to heal. And forgive. Forgive whatever it is that was latched unto you and you had yourself latched unto, no matter their part in the process. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to bruise yourself and the other party in such a way. Do heal. It makes everything better.

God, my swim- instructor 

I am standing at the poolside, frozen, looking up at the instructor motivating me to come in and that it will be okay. Of corse it will. But I won’t. I will mess up. I will fail. I am too afraid. 

Afraid. 

Ever since I had landed myself a job, did tons of flawess interviews for a local news channel and especially managed to get a loan for my first car, I believed I was brave. I needed nothing and no one, I could tell myself to do anything and so I would. 

Until I came to realize I was bitterly failing. The One and the things that matter most were put off, pushed to the back of my head as mere shadows of something I would now and then touch, but mostly keep bravely away from. I realized that I do want God, life, love, true friendships and meaningful relationships. That all the projects I could do would not matter if I was to do them alone. 

So I sigh. Take a deep breath and plunge in. Only to come back up after a few seconds, gasping for breath. I did mess up. I am too scared. I have not learned to breathe underwather and I am afraid my lungs will burst. But the instructor is saying these reassuring things and I really want to learn how to swim because I really, really love water. So I go back in. Repeat it all, all over again. 

I am living in the unknown. Aren’t we all? I mean, we never know what might happen next. But many of us have faith that our tomorrow is safe and good, because we believe what God says. Just like the instructor, He keeps reassuring us and even gets down in the water, fully clothed to let us see. So we dive in to resurface back again because we don’t know how to breathe. 

Life has gotten me in a place where I don’t like to be. I saw it coming and thought I was prepared. Turns out, I’m not. It isn’t so much the events that have depressed me. But it is the fear. Actress Keke Palmer repeats so many great people when she says that fear is a choice. Fear is what I chose when I thought I had no choice. To some people (I mean an uber select few) I might be an open book, but in my head I am extremement private. Talking about my fears and hopes is a no-no. I might even write them down and publish them for the whole world to see but I promise that I will never sit down and discuss them especially with those that I love (and love me back). So in my mind I was stuck. And no one is ever really stuck. When you feel stuck, you are actually spiralling down. And that is exactly were I was going; down. But thankfully a friend reached out and although nothing was discussed, I found the courage to redirect back to the light! 

As I am emerging from the shadows of my lonely-made mind, I am not alone. I am holding a hand that is pulling me through. God is pulling me through. But I am more afraid than anything else because this is so new and this is so surprising. Most of the time I am holding my breath when I catch a glimpse of where He is taking me. Some are everything I always wanted and others are completely new. I try not to make eye contact and look straight ahead so I don’t get distracted. But eventually I do look away. That’s when I hold my breath and feel the urge to run away. It’s on those days when I spend hours awake in bed, dreading to open the blinds and get out. “What is so cool about going outside?” It’s on those days I am a couch potato because the tv takes me worlds away and I can ignore my shortage of oxygen intake. It is when I don’t open my bible or my song practice apps, because I am afraid my lungs will burst. 

John Legend found Chrissy Teigen and with her his head is underwater and he is breathing fine. I’d be laying on the poolside, flat on my back in the midst of reanimation proces. Just kidding. John and Chrissy didn’t just land there. It must have taken them a while. A while of reassuring, plunging, near-drowning and eventually trust. Trust that he wouldn’t stop even when he did mess up and almost drown. 

My head is underwater and I am kicking and screaming. But my Instructor, my Life-guard, my Rescue, is right by me. Patiently so. 

Why plan to have kids in this cruel world

I want to share something I consider a testimony, even a revelation that I received in the car today. My sister was in the car with me on our way to work and for some reason I just thought about having children and I thought “why bring children into this cruel world”?

Over the last few months I have found myself pondering the thought of marriage and a family more than I ever have in my adult life. One, because I am getting older and two,  because I can carefully say it is something I feel God gently taking me into. I will spare myself the ‘luxury’of jotting down the details.

As a young girl I have for a short while enjoyed fantasies about family life until I found out that the family life I was seeing around me was nothing I wanted for myself. There was abuse, there was hate and there were just so many mistakes and disregards of manhood and women that I just thought that I would keep to myself. Work hard, get rich and maybe help people. That is what I wanted.

But God obviously has another plan. I started working when I was nineteen. By the time I was twentyone I started feeling compelled to leave my job and go into the world and be a missionary or some other ‘fancy’strong bible woman. By that time the marriage ideal still wasn’t strong and I invited God to show me or either let me knew wether marriage was something for me. In the meantime I have switched jobs and by the end of this year I will no longer have a corporate job. By the circumstances under which this happened and other events in my life, I consider it a nudge from God to let me know that I don’t have to apply for any job again. Or at least not any time soon. The marriage ideal is gradually being restored in my head.

Over the past few months I have found myself uneasily confronted with feelings or as we would say in christian language ‘the spirit’of rejection. There is this guy that I cannot get off my mind and I consider him out of my league. Prayer after prayer I have pleaded with myself in the hope that God would be taking note and coming in action. A thousand reasons to find peace and rest, but I am not at all at peace neither at rest about it. Well, to be honest, right now I have managed to stay calm about it for about three days but I will have to see how long that lastst to even think of it as progress.

But the thing is. Wether I do or don’t get this ‘far outa my league stud’out of my mind, God’s plan will continue to unfold before me. That is a promise. I have all sorts of scenario’s and plans to get ourselves together. I feel a little bit stupid because I am a year away from my late twentied and I believe all this is for teenagers. In my teenage years I was not occupied with relationships. I also embrace this process as moments to allow myself to entrust these feelings to God and have Him walk me through them. In a few earlier posts I have expressed that I had trouble with being a girl. Marriage, boys, make-up, authority have become difficult things due to the examples I held on to from my childhood. I see this as a means of restorement and just embrace it. Sometimes with anger and frustration, other times with joy and understanding.

Where does the so called revelation I received finally come in? My preoccupation with marriage has been sparked by an innate desire to have a family, more so, to nurtrure my onw children. Even as I am typing this it still feels very foreign to me. But I get scared now and then and wonder if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to bring children into this cruel world. Is it worth it to get married if so many people get divorced, if we will end up hurting eachother anyway and knowing that our deepest desires will not be ultimately met by a mate, but by Christ. Is it worth it?

The answer I got this morning was close to a yes. It was rather simple. It went like this “How about you already know that there will be children that will be in need of what your children will have.” How about you know that you can only reach certain children that parents did not want, but had anyway, because you have children. How about you already know that your children wilk give other children, those in need, acces to things their homes might not have. How about that.

As I was driving to work and came upon these words I almost became emotional. But I am long off my period and am not a cry baby so I told myself to get over it (unvalid arguements, I know). The things is what are you willing to bring into this world? But is it not selfish to say you are bringing kids into this world to help kids that are less fortunate? I don’t think so. I think that is rather noble. Do you know what else I think? Was it selfish of God to create people when He knew His love and His presence would be enough for them?

I sincerely hope that we as the ‘grown ups’ and ‘almost grown ups’will give the next generations a chance to be great by being great ourselves and instilling the principles of God into them. This is my hope.

Friendships Reloaded

These days I feel a new sense of warmth and love about me. I feel safe, I feel kept and although I can find things in my life to be shaky about, I feel secured. The bible does say to live by faith and not by sight and I also add feelings. Sometimes you have to really learn to find and activate that faith and some days it is just there. At least, that is how it is in my life. I don’t have one on one convo’s with God all the time, not that I know of, so my walk with Him is one I am still figuring out.

The crazy thing is that I have never been one to have a lot of friends. In childhood I actually had only two girls I really saw as friends. We were very close. Where everybody had a pack of friends, I used to hang with just one closely and frequently. As I got older I realized that I am more of a quality than quantity person.

A few years ago I had an unpleasant experience with a friend I held very close to my heart. I no longer pursued that friendship because it no longer aligned with my values in a friendship. So I just grew tired and dropped everything. Our lives were already going in different directions, so I let nature take it’s course. Sometimes I miss her, but I realize she and I have both grown and we might no longer be who we were at the time.

These days I find, more so recognize, that God is doing a new thing in my life with friendships. I already expressed that I am a ‘small circle’ girl. So I did not really want new friendships and relationships. But some girls I’ve just met and I knew that we would have ‘stuff’ together. There is one in particular that I just really love and I don’t know why. I mean,  I love all my friends, but it is just weird that her personality really captures me. I find that God is restoring my idea of relationships. I may come across as anti-social to some people, but I just don’t need inefficiency. Even with friendships. The people you keep around you and allow to speak into your life really influence you in tremendous ways. My longest lasting friendship is with a girl that I just know will be my friend forever. Some things I just know.

You may have noticed that I keep talking about girls. That is because I don’t really have my own male-friends. There is just one, but we don’t hang out or anything. We just know that we value and respect eachother and that is it. There is stuff I could talk to him about and he with me. But we just don’t need to hang out often. We meet around.

With this being said, I still don’t want to pursue new friendships and enlarge my circle of close and trustworthy friends. But I am open to healthy relationships with other people and more so, relationships were we can be of value to eachother, the kingdom of God and society.

Epiphany

As I back the car up I think of the people left in the house. The men. Okay, there is one girl, but she doesn’t appear on my mind. I think of who they are and what they are all about. It felt like a short summary of them. And the summary said ‘this girl, driving this car stands on her own’. And that isn’t a bad thing at all. You know, you can grow up and have a lot of expectations from others. But as this summary was revealed to me I felt it was something I knew all along and stopped worrying about. I felt peaceful about it.

My father’s done his part. Leaving his home, traveling to another country for a better future. Making sure his children understand the importance of education and culture. My cousin is with us and helps now and then. Respects us to certain lengths and that’s it. I used to want a family that is very close. Where everyone is free to be who they are. Peaceful, usual fights, but nothing we can’t handle. Well, my family is pretty much that way, but we are not that close.

The best thing is, when this year was about to start and even in the first week of the year I felt a bit void. Void, troubled, confused and tired. Tired of things I wanted to change immediately. I’m still looking forward to better days, but the weight on my shoulder has become lighter. In the troubles of life, I love to come out as a winner, but one simply can’t keep winning. Well, the actual thing that makes you a tough winner is when you have the courage to acknowledge what battles to fight fiercely and what battles to just survive. Though I’m afraid of loss, I can deal with it.

Right now, I have a sense of what is important. I already feel the direction I’ll be heading this year. When I was little I used to watch a lot of TV. I still remember all the Saturdays, empty Saturdays, I just spent in front of the telly. Waking up, eating, TV, sleep, TV and so on. Of course there was playing and daydreaming! I used to feel so connected to those days, as if I missed them a lot and wanted to go back somehow. But now I feel they are officially over and I can move on.

I believe my spirit understands (from God’s spirit) that it is time to move on. I wanted the empty days of my childhood back, because I feared responsibility. Now I think I’m ready to live my own life. Standing up tall when facing adversary’s, making my own decisions when there is an issue in the family, at work, church and generally in life.  My new era has started. I am so curious as to what life, my life will become. I hope I’ll feel less like I have to control everything. I hope I’ll become a better manager of whatever there is to manage. I can be a little pig at times and I don’t intend on changing that. By that I mean that I’m unorganized and so on. It’s perfect this way.

These days, maybe because it’s so rainy, my head is clearer and with that my vision also. I want to take things at hand and mold my life myself. But yeah, life will go as it’s meant to be. For every bad thing that is allowed to enter my life, I have the opportunity to make it golden. Chaos, bad and ugly will come, but new vision will rise too.

It’s strange that the little moment I had in my car is something I haven’t searched for, but needed. It’s something so many people are seeking in resolutions and spiritualism. My epiphany came with putting my vehicle in gear and reflecting on two figures in my life. I have stopped believing in resolutions. One: because I’m way to chaotic to live by a checklist and two, because I know things will fall into place at the right time.

So, 2014 and whatever number of years that are to come, here’s my smile. You’ll be worth my while. Image

I can love without getting a big shot for it

I’m at it again.
This morning I saw a pregnant girl, all alone. I figured she came from the nearby hospital where pregnancies are controlled, checked an so forth. I immediately thought about my friend. That one friend I thought I had helped, supported and loved so much.

She got pregnant before marriage. Now, in today’s world, nothing seems to be wrong with that. But we go to church and for church folk, especially those that are just peasants and don’t have the covering hand of some leaders over their head…that is bad. But the worst thing is, I thought I knew her. Maybe she thought she knew herself too. Nevertheless, she was ‘lucky enough’ to have a loving boyfriend who is a thousand times more a man and a father than a lot of men and fathers I know. 

And there was me. I was the best friend, so I thought. That was my goal, being the best friend I could be and if the world would spit on her I would take a spitting too. I met her at doctor’s appointments, I could drive my brother’s car, so most of the time I could take her home. I thought I was bearing with her. She got mocked and laughed at and I took it all personally. She and I were one team of exemplary church girls, that didn’t sleep around, loved the Lord and attended church regularly. There were those girls that slept around and got pregnant after a few rounds. But we were not like that, oh no! Anyways, and then she explains to have gone ‘too far’ this one time and as everyone started hearing about the pregnancy, it didn’t matter how often she walked away from the heat, how exemplary we were or not. We or she became ‘one of them’, she had sex before marriage ‘too’. I was her friend and that made me look bad. But I didn’t care, she was my friend and I would stand for her.

Until. Date came that she was supposed to get married. She was worried about spending to much money with the baby coming, and not having enough money. My advise: ‘just ask a blessing, sign the papers and when you’re husband has a small fortune get the big bang and booze’. Advice not taken. The marriage got postponed a few times. I was supposed to be her maid of honor, but our appointments to go to the fitting didn’t work. I had work, she had her mom nagging about every little decision she needed to make, so one day I called her about the next appointment and she replied that she simply had me replaced. I was disappointed and because I was disappointed I was angry. I wanted to drop the whole wedding and friendship shit and move on with my life. (Sorry for my language, but those were my true feelings)

But I was worried about bitterness. I am quite a reflective person, so I was really in a struggle about having this friend treating me like trash and my reaction to that and on the other hand, me remaining loving and caring. It did not work at all. There are more things I got upset about, but the laundry is better off in the closet. This reminds me of C.S Lewis’ quote ‘You never know how terrible you are until you try very hard to be good’. I am not loving and caring towards a lot of people in my life, because I hate faking. Be mean to me, be a bitch, be a monster, but don’t pretend to like me if you don’t. Okay now, too much about me and my philosophies.

As a reflective person I wondered whether I was being fair to this person and to myself. As I already said, I didn’t want to be bitter. So I prayed and scuffed and rolled my eyes some more. I even took this thing down to an altar call. To those of you that don’t know what an altar call is, it’s when the pastor/preacher calls people that need prayer at the end of a sermon. So I told my pastor (who is loving and caring) that I had trouble loving someone I promised to love. And he gave me the example of the cross, that Christ willingly got crucified regardless of what my response to His crucifixion would be and even though He knew the Father would turn His back on Him there. In other words keep on loving.

‘Ugh’ I thought. I went back home, got the message, but it couldn’t sink in deep enough to influence my actions towards her and other people I am disappointed in. I think that anyone who can rise above disappointment (hurt) and still give their hearts are heroes. But I wasn’t willing to do that. It is not in my nature. I have seen myself change and becoming a better person after having prayed, but this time it just didn’t seem to work. But to get back upon the subject, today I asked myself ‘what if I really forgot that thing that happened’, ‘what if I really let go’? You see, I was really about showing this girl that she was not going to do this to me and get away with it as if nothing happened. But right now, I’m the one ‘suffering’. This ‘little thing’ is an important thing in my loving and caring career on this planet. You see, for me it is very easy to write people off. If I don’t like you, you’re out! And if I like you a lot, you ain’t going nowhere. No, I ain’t that insane.

For a moment I thought today that I want to go back to the old us. But I’m not so sure I want that. She’s married now, is a mom and there are things she and I will definitely disagree on. She has changed, maybe not drastically, but she has changed. And me, I don’t want to keep chasing phantoms. I actually am a phantom hunter, yes I am. I get nostalgic over lots of stuff. But apart from that , I think I can love her. I won’t love her in the same dedicated, die hard way. Maybe I don’t need too. Maybe the die hard love was for back then, when the pregnancy hit and folk were talking and she needed to attend doctor’s appointments while her baby daddy was working, when she needed to move out, get married, talk (a lot! She talks so much that I get dizzy sometimes) and when she needed a shoulder.

I am grateful for who I was back then. But the experience has marked me unpleasantly. If someone else I know would get in the same position today, I don’t think I will be that driven to be involved. Maybe I will, but the voices in my head and the background music will sound different. It’s a good thing that I could give as much or as little as I had given back then. This has thought me to keep my heart and my mind in the right order and use them for the right things when needed. And I guess this was a lesson about letting people live their own lives and not think I am that much of a big shot.